Some thoughts on fear and violence…
I’ve come to believe that there are two broad categories of violence. Social and predatory. I’ve written about this before in this thread, so I’ll keep the distinction concise. Predatory violence is when someone’s out to seriously hurt you, kill you or take something from you. That’s always scary and I’ve never been in such a situation without a lot of adrenaline pumping and profound feelings of fear. Fortunately only two events in my life truly fit that bill, plus the only dangerously violent encounter I was involved with as a bouncer where social violence morphed into predatory violence against a person I first bounced and later ended up protecting.
Social violence is when someone gets violent or aggressive not because they want to take, kill or maim, but for other reasons. This is FAR more common than predatory violence. Perhaps they want to seem like they’re in control of whatever’s happening. Perhaps they want to seem dangerous to impress others. Perhaps they have difficulty controlling their emotions. Perhaps they’re just a bully. Perhaps they’re acting like an asshole and someone comes along to check their behavior, then things escalate. The reasons for assholes getting violent can be endless.
My experience with this obviously stems from being a bouncer at a cool little dive bar, but the same kind of situations can materialize at weddings, graduation parties, or any other situation where people interact with each other. Alcohol is often involved, but not always. In my 20’s I would have been too frightened to confront someone who is exhibiting social violence in most situations. I would have been the guy standing back while things played out or filming whatever’s happening on my cellphone.
In short, my fear of failing, looking stupid or getting hurt prevented me from taking action in several situations where I wished I could have done something. In all honesty, I don’t think I was even equipped to produce a better outcome if I were to take action. Rough-housing, backyard scraps and play-wrestling as a child can go a long way towards keeping yourself safe from bullies growing up, but that’s a different sort of game than controlling violent adults if you’re the type of person who wants to avoid assault charges. You can’t just go around decking people if you want to stay out of jail as an adult. You have to be able to respond to someone else escalating violence.
Two years of jiu jitsu training, four years of strength training and several years of bouncing later, I find that the side-effects of fear have melted away when it comes to social violence. That’s not to say I’ve become reckless, but it is to say that I’m better at reading the situation, watching people’s hands and staying calm when I take it upon myself to go up to an asshole and say that he (or she) needs to leave, then handling whatever happens after we have that conversation.
To be clear, the fear is always there. What can melt away with training and experiencing violence are the side-effects of fear. You can speak clearly, calmly and without a shaky voice. You can stay calm in tense situations and have the presence of mind to keep yourself protected against aggression (see prayer stance and combat footing) while you tell the asshole that he can’t be an asshole anymore. You gain the confidence to be the guy who tells someone else to stop, whether it’s grabbing women’s asses, being aggressive with other guys or just being an all-around jerk.
I suppose it’s possible that some people are born with the ability to step up, do the right thing in tense situations and back it up with appropriate force, but I sure wasn’t. It took a lot of training to make me into the kind of guy who can do that. Hopefully I don’t get killed or maimed because of it, but I’ll probably keep rolling the dice whenever I see a situation where I feel like I can produce an improved outcome.
Fear is always present to some degree or another, but the overwhelming majority of socially violent encounters I’ve dealt with in the last year or so have involved a level of fear that I imagine a Jr. High gym teacher feels when he’s breaking up a fight between two seventh graders. That doesn’t happen without training, not for me at least.
Train with purpose and as much controlled violence as you can. Get smashed. Smash others. Shake hands and grow together. Just watch the hands. Always watch the hands, and remember that there are no guarantees off of the mats.
