T Nation

The Return of Even More Movies You've Watched This Week III


#1951

SPOILERS

You wanna know what really gives Captain Marvel power? Her best friend tells her, You’re the best! The most greatest person ever!". Yes, this is really something like what she said. Then Annette Benning tells her, “You suck!”. BOOM! From almost zero powers to full fucking super saiyan! Fucking flies in space and destroys an entire spaceship.


#1952

Average Rating: 6.94/10
Reviews Count: 151
Fresh: 124
Rotten: 27

Wow. A 7/10 is a “fresh”.

Wtf.

I also like how RT hides this in "more info"instead of placing it at the front page of the given film like it used to.


#1953

SPOILERS

Oh God I can’t even rant corherently now.

So Cpt Marvel is known as “Vers” to Jude Law’s alien gang. You know why? Because he found part of her name tag after she lost her memory. Carol Danvers. Vers. Geddit? She later finds out her full name.

At the end, Annette Benning calls her “Vers” just before she(Vers) turns against her and the Jude Law alien gang. You know what she says??? You really wanna know???

“Call me CAROL!”

FUCK!!!


#1954

I truly and deeply am looking forward to your more coherent rant about this … Call me CAROL … hahahaha … I can see why that cuck of a reviewer was inspired … I got chills


#1955

It was like a fucking parody. Like that South Park episode where Christopher Reeves turns into a super villain and tells Gene Hackman, “From now on, I won’t be known as Christopher anymore! Call me…CHRIS! AHAHAHAHA!”.


#1956

Why do I get the bad feeling that it makes BIack Panter look like Citizen Kane?


#1957

I can see you too are a man of sophisticated culture.


#1958

Watched part of the documentary about Matt Kroc on Netflix last night regarding his transformation.


#1959

Worth watching?


#1960

It makes Bumblebee look like Citizen Kane.


#1961

Alright, let me try again.

Captain Marvel

This was the writing process for Captain Marvel:

Step 1: Write out checklist with SJW points.

Mansplaining
Daddy won’t let young girls do boy’s stuff
Women are more emotional
Women in the military
Single mothers
Motherhood vs vocation
The patriarchy creates conflict, war and suffering
Female empowerment
Women are independent
Male codes of honor are funny and the stuff of parody

Which can all be brought up and explored in a good script like Mad Max: Fury Road while making a fucking GOOD MOVIE. Which, obviously no SJW understood because they’re so high smelling their own farts you need to literally use crayons to spell it out for them.

Which brings us to why this movie fails:

Step 2: Figure out ways you can visually depict these points using random plot threads and scenes from every other successful action movie.

Step 3: Write a story around these points.

Step 4: Finally, write script. *IMPORTANT: USE CRAYONS.

E.g,

ACT 1

Captain Marvel goes through shit:

5 SECOND FLASHBACK:

Montage establishing backstory:

Young girl falls down driving go-kart; girl in bootcamp falls down, woman falls down. (All filmed in slow-mo with *Michael Bay spinning shot)

ACT 3

Captain Marvel overcomes shit and finally gets full powers:

Mar-Vell overpowers Captain Marvel.

Mar-Vell: “Brie, you suck! You are a failure!”

5 SECOND FLASHBACK:

Montage:

Young girl in overturned go-kart gets up, girl in bootcamp gets up, woman gets up. (Slow-mo, *Michael Bay spinning shot.)

Captain Marvel goes SUPER SAIYAN.

*Michael Bay spinning shot:

ACT 2

Captain Marvel has self doubt:

Stands in field alone looking in the distance for 3 seconds.

Captain Marvel overcomes self-doubt:

Single mother black best friend fighter pilot: “Brie, you’re the best! The greatest, bestest, most amazing human being alive!”

Captain Marvel: (Grateful glance. Embraces single mother black best friend fighter pilot. Realizes what she truly is.)

Captain Marvel overcomes 3 second struggle with self-doubt. Ready to kick ass!

FUCK THIS SHIT.


#1962

:clap::clap::clap:

Bravo, shills! Bravo!

image

Memento??? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind??? LMAO!!! How do you come up with this shit?


#1963

These two things kill me every time … if women are independent why do they need to be empowered? Independent people do not need empowering …

Also, those reviews are cultish …


#1964

Captain Marvel Review

First off, the cat needs to have it’s own movie. It is wasted in this piece of garbage.

Now, about the way SJW movies are written. The problems with this movie all revolve around this. The tone is inconsistent while the narrative is confusing and sometimes incoherent, with the entire 3rd act looking like a massive copout. I’ll explain.

You have to look at the main message of this movie. Women possesses power but they are held down by the patriarchy. Only when they break free of the artificial confines that this patriarchal society has imposed upon them can they fully express this power. I fully agree with this since I come from a more traditional Asian society. However, the message here takes precedence over proper screenwriting, leading to a complete narrative clusterfuck.

What should have been a proper origin story of Captain Marvel growing up while getting told she shouldn’t do guy stuff, entering the military and getting insulted by men, developing a kinship with another self-dependant woman and getting mentored by a woman who has worked her way to a high position, acquiring her powers, getting played and seeing through all the bullshit… this is all sacrificed to push the agenda. It should have been a journey with the audience following along.

Instead, Captain Marvel starts out already having powers(see what I’m saying about the message?). Her entire backstory is told is rapid flashbacks, with none of them explored or expanded upon later. All these things are simply TOLD to us, with each of them simply an SJW point from off of a checklist.

We know she has a best friend but we don’t buy their relationship. There’s simply a scene of them bantering before boarding their fighter planes, with one of giving the other a thumbs up. We know she has a mentor but we don’t appreciate her importance on her development as a person because all we see is her mentor telling her some empowering woman shit, nor do we give a fuck when she loses this mentor. The oppression she has faced does not resonate because they are told in individual almost random montages in her flashbacks.

Which means that Captain Marvel essentially behaves like the same person from start to finish. There’s no growth, no sudden moments of revelation, no real internal conflict, nothing. Which brings me to the worst part of the movie. Brie Larson. She can’t fucking act. She could have single-handedly ruined the movie even if the writing and directing didn’t suck. To pull off a character like this, you need someone identifiable and likeable coupled with charisma since the story gives you no reason to root for her.

So, after the clusterfuck of the first 2 acts, we get to the part where she finally gets to display her powers and it’s the ultimate Mary Sue moment. Remember, we have not followed her journey as she goes through shit to acquire them since she has had them all along. What happens is a simple flipping of an ideological switch told through exposition, which shows all a woman needs to do is believe in herself, let go of the artificial confines of society and all the inert powers she has can be expressed. Now this happens at a pivotal point where she and the other characters are put in rather shitty situations because of the bad guys who have easily overpowered them.

Since Captain Marvel is the most powerful character of all, she goes from almost normal to fucking flying in space and fucking up spaceships in a matter of seconds, immediately resolving all the situations the rest of the characters are in. It isn’t satisfying; it is cheap and unearned, and without understanding the intent of the writers, looks like a massive copout.

This is what you get when you write movies putting an agenda first. They suck. The worst thing is this is a Marvel movie. Marvel has been consistently upping the ante when it comes to their movies, with the exception being Ant Man and the Wasp. Even the latter had some good CGI moments and a decent amount of spectacle. The action scenes here suck. They are worse than Black Panther’s. The fight scenes are filmed with horrible shaky camerawork so you can’t see what’s going on. They can’t decide whether to go with a semi-serious Iron Man tone or Guardians of the Galaxy. The dialogue is crap, with ridiculous one-liners that nobody laughed at.

Captain Marvel is a massive step back for Marvel, and right before the conclusion to Infinity War for fuck’s sake.

Fuck it. I’m done.


#1965

How does her butt look?


#1966

There were no butt scenes. This ain’t Underworld.


#1967

Flatter than a pancake


#1968

Whoa! That poor woman may develop knee issues with that lack of glute development.


#1969

I read she does hip thrusts with 400lbs.


#1970

I’d have to see video documentation of this - I’m skeptical - unless you’re joking in which case I’m an idiot :slight_smile: