T Nation

The Return of Even More Movies You've Watched This Week III

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I think I’ll check it out.

I have no idea. My wife is fawning over him and to me he gives off a strong “affluent rapist” vibe.

From a small sample size of women (n=3, my wife and my two sisters) who think this is hot. I thought it was creepy as fuck.

Also, Mad’s movie Another Round is pretty good. First world Danish problems, but good nevertheless.

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These two things are not unrelated.

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I been thinking that about him since I saw “The Hunt”. Probably more a testament to his talent than anything else, but still…

Yeah, she told me about that one too. As far as Mads “foreign” movies it’s 2 for 2 now so I’ll check it out for sure.

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I watched half of Code 8 and it’s pretty good so far. It’s something about a future where some guys are born with various types of telekinetic powers and are turned into second class citizens in a dystopian police state or something like that. Don’t really care. The movie is engaging enough to not give a shit. I have no idea where they’re going with this. Governments and corporations used to use them to improve efficiency for manufacturing and production but they’ve been replaced by automation. Now drones with some kind of scanners patrol the city to check if these guys are using their powers “without a permit” but it’s too expensive for the average person to afford one. Weird shit.

These guys are reduced to waiting at the sidewalk like illegals waiting for a truck to swing by to give them work in the form of manual labor. One dude has very special powers and gets involved in some kind of heist syndicate which also sells some kind of new drug that’s caused a meth-like epidemic of users. This is only HALF of the movie lol. Will probably finish it later.

It was originally a short film if anyone wants to give it a shot:

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I went and re-watched The Nun because I needed a good laugh. It didn’t disappoint.

For the love of all things holy, they even stole that silly “swing away!” twist from Signs.

“Mary points the way”. HAHAHAHAHA.

The Vatican sends the world’s dumbest priest to determine if a church or whatever they call it in some part of Romania has become “unholy” after nun commits suicide there. He enlists a rookie nun. A French Canadian guy becomes their guide as he was the one who discovered the body.

How does one determine if a place is “unholy”? What are the standards that have to be met for “holiness”? Why did he get a rookie nun to come along? What the fuck is a French Canadian guy doing in some rural area in Romania in 1952? Why does everyone converse in English? Who gives a fuck?

On the first night, the dumbest priest in the world sees the kid whom he let die during a botched exorcism in the past in the graveyard surrounding the church. Then he gets pulled into a coffin in an open grave and gets buried alive. He’s only saved because there’s a bell attached to the outside which he can pull on from inside the coffin because people used to get buried alive during era of The Plague.

Does this make the place unholy? HELL FUCKING YEAH IT DOES. Way beyond any reasonable standards. What more does he need? Does the nun have to get raped by the trees while Sam Raimi rides around getting POV shots with a camera mounted on a fucking bicycle?

But since he’s the dumbest priest in the world, he decides to stay another night instead of getting the fuck out of there when it’s already been established that both he and the nun can be easily physically harmed or killed. If the event that occurred was a dream or illusion, it wouldn’t be so dumb.

Then it gets even dumber. This “church” was originally constructed by evil Satanists or something who created a portal for some demon named “Valak” to enter our world. You know, that “nun” that we all saw in The Conjuring 2. Only that fucking specific demon. No one else. Why? I don’t fucking know. I’d have unleashed Hell’s Army if I was a Satanist capable of constructing something like that.

Just as Valak is about to emerge, soldiers from the Vatican storm the church like a fucking anti-terrorist squad, kill all the Satanists and seal off the portal with a vial containing THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. How did they get it? I don’t know. Why did they leave the vial there? Does this mean they have ample supplies of Christ’s blood in their stash along with all their real estate? Fuck it.

Why did they leave a bunch of nuns there to keep the “evil sealed” by praying every single minute of the day instead of destroying it? “Perpetual adoration” is what they call it. Shit, these guys were even dumber than the dumbest priest in the world.

It turns out that that Valak has now escaped through the portal because of STRUCTURAL DAMAGE caused by bombs falling in WW2. STRUCTURAL DAMAGE??? I thought this was about the blood of Christ? Structural damage shouldn’t be in the fucking equation. At least place a fucking technician there along with the nuns. Not even a fucking janitor? You expect a bunch of broads in habits praying on their knees all day to also know how to do basic structural maintenance?

HOLY SHIT.

Then it gets EVEN DUMBER.

Valak needs a conduit to escape. Which means we’re going by Conjuring rules. Which means he/she/it needs to fuck around with you until you’re mentally broken enough to be possessed. Which is why the fucker goes around in a nun outfit.

Which doesn’t fucking explain why the fucker is STILL DRESSED AS A NUN in The Conjuring!!!

And then it’s revealed that ALL THE NUNS ARE DEAD, presumably either KILLED by Valak or they just died of boredom from praying all day, and the one that committed suicide at the start of the movie did so because she was the LAST ONE and she was sacrificing herself so she couldn’t be possessed and let Valak escape the place.

And we’ve now established that Valak is the DUMBEST FUCK IN THE MOVIE AND THE ENTIRE CONJURING UNIVERSE.

Why would you dress up as a NUN to scare a bunch of FUCKING NUNS??? You wanna break them, appear as the Prophet Mohammed or something and fuck with their faith. Appear as Chris Hemsworth and make all of them reconsider their vow of celibacy. Fuck, dressing up as a dancing clown would still make more sense.

“OMG there’s a new nun that dresses just like us in our HOLY GARMENTS! But this one looks like Marilyn Manson and has funny teeth. I’m BROKEN!”

It’s at this point where the movie FINALLY realizes how fucking dumb it is and the French guy comes back to save the day with… A SHOTGUN.

Then they find the blood of Christ and Valak is supposedly vanquished after the rookie nun SPITS IT INTO THE FUCKER’S MOUTH. Why the fuck didn’t the Vatican soldiers do something like that in the first place?

BUT Valak somehow manages to not be vanquished because nothing is supposed to make any sense and possesses the French Canadian guy, who eventually ends up as the possessed dude the Warrens were showing a clip of at the start of the first Conjuring movie.

20 fucking years later.

What was Valak doing in his body all this while?

HE SHOT HIS WIFE IN THE ARM.

That’s it.

Holy fuck, THIS what the Satanists built a fucking church along with a portal to unleash which the Vatican tried to keep sealed away for CENTURIES with THE BLOOD OF CHRIST?

THIS?

This fucking lameass, dumbshit of a demon who’s greatest feat of evil was SHOOTING A WOMAN IN THE FUCKING ARM???

I fucking loved it.

If it were made by one of those old Italian schlock horror directors, it would be remembered several decades later by fans of bad movies. But, alas, the production was too “polished” for this.

8/10 for badness.

Disney + has finally expanded their Star Wars collection to include treasured Ewok made-for-TV movies from my childhood.

I’m halfway through Caravan of Courage and the memories are flooding back. I’m totally immersed in this gripping tale rife with lessons in courage, and other things similar to courage.

I say 7 stars out of 10. Best Ewok spin-off I’ve seen in over 30 years.

(Just catching up on this thread.)

I wanted to flame this but I’ve decided that I’ll just hold in my opinions and think less of you from now on.

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But he’s right!

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I can’t handle horror movies, but this review makes me want to watch it.

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It’s not scary if that’s what you mean. This I can guarantee. The reason why I don’t have much to say about movies like Annabelle and the like is that they are just 90min compilations of various JUMP SCARES! without any real stories nor any forms of logical setups to justify them. That shit irritates my wife so much we’ve had to leave the cinema on one or 2 occasions.

She even decided to leave the cinema during that La Llorona movie to go shopping after about 45mins as I was reluctant to because I can almost literally smell it when a movie is going to get fucking hilariously dumb after watching so many of those HK horror comedies produced by Sammo Hung. It happened in the 3rd act. She missed that part.

And FWIW, she found the FRIGHT NIGHT remake scary. She got scared by fucking COLIN FARRELL but she wasn’t scared of the Marilyn Manson nun in this movie LOL.

I forgot to mention there’s an unintentional “tribute” to Michael Jackson’s live performances of “Smooth Criminal” in a scene that’s supposed to be scary. One dude actually yelled out, “Oh shit! It’s Michael Jackson!” in the cinema when I watched it the first time and I fucking lmao-ed. So did the entire theater.

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@dt79 Me watching original 1974. My wife walks by - what.in.the.hell. are you watching? Me - Godzilla vs Mothra was over…

Didn’t even know they had made a Conjuring 3 - thank you for the heads up. I will of course watch, even if your review did not get my hopes high. Totally agree with you on the first one, probably the best horror movie ever. And the second one was quality too.