Thought I would share since 55 has me feeling my mortality. Just a heads up - if you’re not into dudes being all emo and shit, you probably shouldn’t read this.
If you’ve followed my log, you know most of this already. I’ve suffered major depression for the last two years, low grade depression for the last thirty, lol. I started on a spiritual journey almost two years ago, and frankly it just made things worse, trying to figure out why I was depressed, looking at my childhood and trying to figure out why I was so miserable.
I’ve read a lot of shit, about cPTSD, about being an empath, about depression. I’ve done a lot of shit - Reiki, Empath Academy, breathwork, Buddhism, meditation, Kundalini yoga, the woowoo shit.
I separated from my wife a year ago, moved out, got a girlfriend, lost said girlfriend, traveled, and now am alone. Miss my kids, my house, my dog, my old life.
And I turned 55. Wow.
The last five months have been fucking brutal, no other way to describe it.
On the outside, everything looks pretty good. I’m a tenured teacher, make good money, have a pension, think I look good.
On the inside, any criticism has me catastrophizing life. My boss was a little critical during my last observation and I immediately had myself getting fired, evicted, my kids being homeless, all of us living in a shopping cart in front of a Walmart.
That’s just how my mind works.
I have been reading Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff, M.D. It’s about transforming your life so you can connect and get in the flow, woowoo shit.
And then I turned 55.
And, all of a sudden, I just don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. And I am okay being alone. And life is good.
Of course, this too will change.
And that is why I am posting this emo shit.
Hoping this will touch somebody, whether it moves you to think about your life, or moves you to laugh your ass off.
Either way, enjoy it.