T Nation

The "ONE" for You


I was wondering how many of you believe that there is a person (of the opposite sex mind you) in the world that is the "ONE" for you. Some people use the term "soulmate", but I seem to realate better to 'the one'. You see I've was with a girl for 10 years (married for 5) up until December of '03. I finally came to the conclusion that she wasn't 'the one'. I mean I loved her dearly, but I don't believe that she felt the same about me. Now before you finish thinking about all the fine flaming remarks you'd like to type right about now, let me explain myself. I was raised to believe that you only have sex after marriage. Well, that didn't happen. What did happen is that I stayed with the first girl I ever slept with. As well 'I' believed she was 'the one'(partially due to my upbringing), but there were many signs that made me believe that I wasn't 'the one' for her. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else other than me, but I need the woman that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with to be 'the one' as well I need to be 'the one' for her.
Sooner or later she would have left me. She was just afraid of not having anyone, that's why she hadn't yet. Now, if you do believe that there is such a person out there for you, what if they were born in China or Brazil? Do you believe that if you were meant to be togther that some way some how you'd meet? I'm not to sure about it. Anyway just wanted to see what you guys/gals thought.



There is no "ONE"; what a bunch of crap. There are many compatible people out there for you. There is no one perfect person for you. That is a fallacy. It sounds like some magical bullshit that once you find the "ONE" you will live happily ever after. Guess what? You actually have to continue to work on you're relationship once you find someone you love. Love is an action first, feeling second. It's a verb, not a state of being. Time changes people, unless you're willing to work at the relationship and change together, the person you thought was the "ONE" all of a sudden years later isn't.


THe only thing I can tell you is stopping looking for her and she will just show up. That is exactly what happened to me and my wife. Every girl that I was interested always used that your are such a sweet guy, and a great friend and then would run off and screw the biggest assholes and then come cry on my shoulder. I finally just said screw it and went about my everyday life having a good time and chasing after the ones that I thought could be the one, and then she magically appeared in the most unlikely circumstances. We dated for 5 years and have been married almost 4.


I don't think so. If that was the case, why would women outnumber men? Where is the 'one' for the excess women?


There is a part of me that like to romanticize everything, and occasionally I engage in fantasies about a perfect "one". I am after all a leo, and boy do I loves me some love.

However, back here on planet earth, I don't believe in "the one". I do think that when a realtionship doesn't work out it is easier to chalk it up to the other person not being "the one".

But, personally, I think that there are millions of individuals that you could potentially have amazing relationships with. I don't think that a relationsip has to last forever to have been worthwhile. As painful as some relationships and subsequent breakups have been, I will never regret the experiences. Every man I've been with (even the assholes), had something that was uniquely individual that I loved about him and that I will never find in anyone else. Some of those relationships I entered into knowing they were finite, but I am so glad I didn't miss out on the experience because I was waiting for "the one". People constantly grow and change and occasionaly it is at the expense of a relationship, but it only makes the next one better.

I believe at some point you figure out who you are, you figure out what you need/want from another person and you try to find someone who fits the bill. It is my opinion that commitment is a concious choice and a successful long term relationship has alot more to do with making that choice than with finding the elusive "one". The best relationship in the world is still going to be a shitload of work.


Although my situation almost is the same as yours, I am not sure about this "soulmate" theory. I think in the world there are a number of potential mates that a very gratifying and fullfilling life can be maitained with.

I think it is more of a question of compatability. And if the meet a certain set of requirments that are equally shared to the same levels from both. Some of these being: support, honor, shelter, guide, serve, challenge, adore, and love unreservedly.



Your answer is other "excess" women.



I tend to think that there are many women who are compatible with you. I think "the one" is a myth.

Of course, the fun is trying to find those whom you are compatable with.


Well if there is one,I am just going to keep banging them all until I find her!

Sorry had to add aliitle comic relief to the tread,and Wideguy or P-Dog have not chimed in yet....


In sales we are taught that "it's a numbers game". Dating and love are no different. Guenther, if you are not talking to 3-5 new females a day, you are not serious about finding your "one". Just keep sorting and for pete's sake keep working on yourself (exercise, wardrobe, etc). In essence, you will find in time that it is much easier to attract than to "chase". Word to the wise.


"I believe at some point you figure out who you are, you figure out what you need/want from another person and you try to find someone who fits the bill. It is my opinion that commitment is a concious choice and a successful long term relationship has alot more to do with making that choice than with finding the elusive "one". The best relationship in the world is still going to be a shitload of work."

100% agree.

Is it wrong to break up if you believe that the person you are with does not love you the way you need them to? Example - They had to seriously think if she wanted a dog or me. (This should be no contest. Especially after being together for 8 years) or if there was a task (even a insignificant one) that you needed to be done (very important to you) and they said yes but didn't do it, and then didn't see what the big deal was. There were many examples.

Anyway, I no longer believe that there is such a person. Anyone can be 'the one'. As long as that person meets the certain requirements you need to feel loved unconditionally. Maybe it's completely my fault that we're not together anymore and I am an A-hole. I guess I made my bed. Now I'll have to lay in it, because it looks like she's moved on. I'm just glad we didn't have any children, I wouldn't have wanted to put them through this.


I think soulmate is a bit of a wider term... any number of people could be a soulmate... but there can only be one "the one"... not a wise move. Talk about never finding happiness.


one? i prefer at least three or four...


What a crook of shit to buy into.
"The One"??? Thats like fairy tale shit. You aint a fairy are ya?
Then stop thinking like one.
The fact is we are compatible with many different people and we most likely dont pursue the right ones because we dont know ourselves well enough to know what to look for.
Thats why young marriages and high school sweetheart marriages usually fail.
We're drastically different at 65 than we were at 18.


"I was wondering how many of you believe that there is a person (of the opposite sex mind you)"

BTW, I was wondering why you added that of the opposite sex part?
I'm no queer mind you, but to exclude gay relationships seems kind of narrowminded. I think their opinions are valid and I am pretty sure their mating rituals are pretty similar to normals.


I'd like to believe something like this exists. I also believe it's possible to have more than one soulmate. I imagine, like me, some of you have had that one friend who you feel you were meant to have in your life.

As far as dealing with the odds of finding this person. It only makes sense to me that if the universe sets you up with some other soul you're meant to be with, it also provides the nudges of fate and the chance to meet them.


considering the biggest indicator of whether or not a two people will marry is proximity, no, I do not think there is the "ONE", but I do believe that is it possible to find the person that would be most compatible for you in that proximity, especially considering that person in the closest proximity will have the largest chance of sharing your culture, beliefs, and mating rituals :)Impossible...no...improbable.....yes.


People who believe in that crap in the literal sense of the word (or idea perhaps) are a big part of the reason that some people will never be happy ("I'm holding out for 'the one'...") and why some people are miserable in their relationships/marriages/etc. ("I'm so unhappy right now, but I just KNOW he/she's 'the one' for me, so I can't leave her/him..."). Despite what people have been led to believe from movies, books, talk shows, "reality TV", or whatever else makes them think that theres only one person out there for them, there is no such thing as a perfect match. Relationships take a lot of WORK and PATIENCE. The fairy tale only lasts for a little while; you WILL have problems down the road. Get used to it.

I tend to believe in 'the one' differently, in that I think there is such thing as one person out there that can make you care enough about them to work through anything and make you want to stay committed to them (not cheat). But that is not to say you will never think "Man, can I handle this anymore?" or "Damn that girl is gorgeous..." To wonder and be tempted is only human and anyone who condemns another for doing so is a hypocrite (I don't care how RIGHTEOUS they think or say they are).

And, although one person can make you feel that way and that may be all you need for the rest of your life, there IS someone else out there who could make you feel the same way. Your personal desire to WANT to seek that person or NOT WANT to seek that person because of who you are with now is what defines 'the one' for me...


time doesn't stop for anyone, and people change, it's whether they change also or decide not to. What worked for you and your relationship in the past was good, but it's not working now because you are different. If you want to try and save your relationship, you or your mate might need to do some counseling or at least find a way to understand each other and see if things can work out. I thought i had the "one" and she left me this year and is now with another guy. We spent 4 1/2 years together and now she won't even talk to me. Pretty stupid. If you want to meet that someone special, make sure there is no unchecked baggage in your closet(mind) and then learn to communicate with people better, when you start to listen and look for things that you like about another person, you can almost make anything work, but they have to want it also. I did a little therapy after my break-up and then ditched the therapist because she wasn't helping me anymore. I just realized I had to be more patient and understand people better and not settle for anything less than i expect from myself, maybe i'm holding out for the "one" but you can bet i'm trying right now to do 2,3,4,.... I figure, if i get serious with the next one, then i might as well do all the things i wanted to and get them over with, like they say "No Regrets!".



there is the "one" just as there is never the "one".. the reality of this matter must be seen that "we" is Human... "I" is Divine. There is the "one" because you, me, is truly "I"... however.. "one" in Humanity.. does not exsist.. it is all relative to where you are