T Nation

The Moon Shot


#1

For you guys who are 50 plus, and something for the younger guys to look forward to.
Well it happened. At the urging of my doctor due to being 55, and his sick sense of humor I had a colonoscopy today.

First I had to starve for this thing. My last real food prior to the procedure was Wednesday night at 1015pm, a big honker glass of milk, and a third pound of turkey before bed. Then getting up at 5am for work Thursday I began the day of hell diet wise. All I could have was coffee, water, cranberry juice, and jello.Somehow I toughed it out, but wife wife began to resemble a sandwich, and the step kids hot wings. I now wonder if cannibalism would not make us better lifters???????

Then after work I had to take a magic pill, then drink liquid chalk, 1 glass every 15 minutes until the bottle was done. I did not make it. From 8pm until 1030 I spent more time in the bathroom than 2 women at a restaurant restroom. I read this months PLUSA, the newspaper, and 1/2 of the Book of 5 Rings by Musashi. Also burned 2 incense cones. Which brings up a point.

These moronic fan deals in bathrooms with the heater coils. What dope smoking child of Woodstock came up with them? They just bake the stink, not get rid of it.

At this point I would like to thank my wife for attempting to lift my spirits thru this. Honey, laughing at me each time I come out of the bathroom will not do it.
The a restless night of sleep, after taking my Lipitor tablet which was unusually filling. Restless because I did not know if I would have to go again.

So Morning comes and I am allowed to have a cup of coffee, the nector of the Gods.
It goes straight thru me.

So we get to the hospital and after checking in and my wife salivating at the prospect of having my wallet and cards, we got ready. They weigh me in and then look out, the gown with the anti drug message is given to me. I put it on, tie it in back and make anyone seeing me think twice about doing crack.
They begin the IV drip, after missing the vein 3 damn times. These women who could spot a sale on shoes at 4 miles cannot hit one vein in my hand.

They wheel me away from there into the room. I see this monitor and my mind questions, will I be asleep. I want to be. They give my a local damn anesthetic. So I decide to make the most of it. The doctor comes in with a student, and tell me to put my knees to my chest, I do it and suck my thumb. This amuses them. The cleaning begins and I ask if they want me to sing a song by the Village People, they do not. The probe goes in and I felt it, some anesthetic.

So I get even as it goes further I start singing the old beatle song Long and Winding Road. This does amuse them. Before I knew it I gave them the UPS slogan, "see what brown can do for you." I am told not to quit my day job, I have a clean bill of health, and he does not want to see me for 10 years.

So my day of fun was ended by stuffing my face with a huge Quiznos sandwich, cup of soup and juice.
Guys it is a necessary evil the alternatives to things going unchecked are too horible to go thru.
So Stay strong, take care of yourself, and learn songs like I do.


#2

Did this several months ago, and discovered it wasn't as evil as everyone said.

Yeah, the day before when I had to drink the stuff was pretty awful--not the actual drinking (lemon-flavored, and I mixed it with cold green tea), but the results. I swear I was flushing stuff I'd eaten in third grade. My wife was sympathetic,since she knows I'm insisting that SHE have one in due time.

Gotta say, however, that it was a great moment when the doc afterward told me I was clean.

It's an awful disease, but it's the one that can actually be caught and stopped with proper testing.


#3

Agreed I have seen too many with bags and such.

Yes the good news is better than racking a huge squat and getting all white lights.
Best part is the young guys have their first one to look forward too along with the night before.


#4

Gee, I can't wait to get old.


#5

Step over here and say that, punk!

(I'd come over there, but I left my walker at home.)


#6

I will never have that done. Some research shows that it can actually cause tears and do more harm than good!

Nope...NOT GONNA DO IT :wink:


#7

ZEB,

I know someone who was horribly ill after hers years ago; turns out she was bleeding internally for a week! Yeah, any procedure has potential for additional problems, and that did worry me going into the whole thing.

The doc I had spoke to me beforehand and explained everything, and said that there was a 1-in-5000 chance (I don't remember the exact odds, but they seemed acceptable to me) that the procedure would cause a tear, "in which case we will go right into surgery and repair it today." That wasn't an enormously comforting prospect, but I assume the scoping technology they were using would allow them to know if that were a problem.

Everyone must make a personal choice about this, but I considered the risk worthwhile.


#8

I had one a couple of years ago. And Zeb - if you're worried about it think about colon cancer then decide.

When I had mine my wife drove me home. On the way home we stopped and had lunch. I then went to bed. I woke up that evening and to this day I dont remember the drive home, lunch, or anything from the time they put me under for the procedure to the time I woke up. My wife says I was by all apparances fine (walking around, talking with her, making jokes, etc). Thats some powerful drugs!

Carlsbad


#9

Carlsbad,

I know what you mean! My wife joined me in the post-op, and I thought everything was fine and dandy (until the doc came in and handed me a clipboard and I had to sign my name, THEN I realized how out of control I was physically!).

I remember leaving the hospital, and having lunch with my eife, but days later we were out at breakfast and I made the comment about how I don't drink orange juice anymore.
She said "You just had some after the colonoscopy."
"What?"
"Yeah, they asked you if you wanted OJ or water, and you took the OJ."
"You're kidding!"
"You drank two cups!"
[mouth hanging open]

Then we started talking more about what I remembered, and she started filling me in on how much really happened while we were sitting there together in post-op.


#10

Hey!

This procedure isn't just for old guys; mine took place at 33. My Pop has had cancer of the lager intestine 4 times (a world's record); his first surgery was at 40, so they said I needed to have this done by 30. I put it off 'til 33. Too much fun!

The "Lemon - Ginger" fluid (that induced the extended time in the reading room) was fantastic - NOT! Short version - The doctor said I was fine.

Personally, I don't buy the "once a year - every year" hype. I don't eat, smoke, or drink like my father; but I do understand the concern (hense the difference in what I consume / ingest).

Eat healthy (which includes good suppliments) and stay away from bad things (include your favorite "vice" here - mine is dark chocolate) and you'll be fine.

(WARNING! beginning of a rant) But don't think doctors / surgeons 'cure' anything; they just remove or kill a portion of your body they was in the process of being attacked / dying, then try and get you to 'makle do' without the offending organ. If an auto mechanic worked in the same fashion that some doctors did he'd go out of business. But, (deep clensing breath) I digress...

You all know the drill (no pun intended), if it grows from the ground or crews grass - eat it. If it is wrapped in a thin sheet of plastic or contains the word "poly" in the ingredients list - run away!

MIKE


#11

My doctor has a great belief. He says any doctor whose area ends in ist is in there to make you well not keep you well.

The prostate is the one we check yearly. Ugly as it is we survive it. Two years ago I snuck my tape player in and when I turned around I hit the play button. I had found a Johnny Mathis tape. He laughed so hard we had a hard time continueing with the exam.

He is currently helping me with my diet for National Masters in May so I lucked out with a good one.

If you have a family history you might need to be checked more frequently. I know 2 of my coworkers who suffered from it and it was not pretty.

Good Luck to you. And to all the replies it is good to have a laugh now and then.


#12

When I had mine, I said, "Hey doc, hear about the nurse that brought the proctologist a can of beer? He got mad and said, 'No, you fool! I wanted a butt-light." They happily knocked me out for the duration:)

BTW: I also didn't remember anything from that afternoon. I apparently ate, and tried to 'hit it' with my wife and don't remember a bit of it!

Gotta have another one this coming year. Blech!!!


#13

Was there a particular song you played or were you just trying to "set the mood?" I think playing Bolero would be good for a laugh.

That's some damn funny writing. I think I have a history of colon cancer in my family so I'll be enjoying the same when I turn 50.