For you guys who are 50 plus, and something for the younger guys to look forward to.
Well it happened. At the urging of my doctor due to being 55, and his sick sense of humor I had a colonoscopy today.
First I had to starve for this thing. My last real food prior to the procedure was Wednesday night at 1015pm, a big honker glass of milk, and a third pound of turkey before bed. Then getting up at 5am for work Thursday I began the day of hell diet wise. All I could have was coffee, water, cranberry juice, and jello.Somehow I toughed it out, but wife wife began to resemble a sandwich, and the step kids hot wings. I now wonder if cannibalism would not make us better lifters???????
Then after work I had to take a magic pill, then drink liquid chalk, 1 glass every 15 minutes until the bottle was done. I did not make it. From 8pm until 1030 I spent more time in the bathroom than 2 women at a restaurant restroom. I read this months PLUSA, the newspaper, and 1/2 of the Book of 5 Rings by Musashi. Also burned 2 incense cones. Which brings up a point.
These moronic fan deals in bathrooms with the heater coils. What dope smoking child of Woodstock came up with them? They just bake the stink, not get rid of it.
At this point I would like to thank my wife for attempting to lift my spirits thru this. Honey, laughing at me each time I come out of the bathroom will not do it.
The a restless night of sleep, after taking my Lipitor tablet which was unusually filling. Restless because I did not know if I would have to go again.
So Morning comes and I am allowed to have a cup of coffee, the nector of the Gods.
It goes straight thru me.
So we get to the hospital and after checking in and my wife salivating at the prospect of having my wallet and cards, we got ready. They weigh me in and then look out, the gown with the anti drug message is given to me. I put it on, tie it in back and make anyone seeing me think twice about doing crack.
They begin the IV drip, after missing the vein 3 damn times. These women who could spot a sale on shoes at 4 miles cannot hit one vein in my hand.
They wheel me away from there into the room. I see this monitor and my mind questions, will I be asleep. I want to be. They give my a local damn anesthetic. So I decide to make the most of it. The doctor comes in with a student, and tell me to put my knees to my chest, I do it and suck my thumb. This amuses them. The cleaning begins and I ask if they want me to sing a song by the Village People, they do not. The probe goes in and I felt it, some anesthetic.
So I get even as it goes further I start singing the old beatle song Long and Winding Road. This does amuse them. Before I knew it I gave them the UPS slogan, "see what brown can do for you." I am told not to quit my day job, I have a clean bill of health, and he does not want to see me for 10 years.
So my day of fun was ended by stuffing my face with a huge Quiznos sandwich, cup of soup and juice.
Guys it is a necessary evil the alternatives to things going unchecked are too horible to go thru.
So Stay strong, take care of yourself, and learn songs like I do.
