The Kardashian Butt Must Die

Glutes: The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

Admiration of that famous big butt is ruining women’s backsides. Here’s why.

The Female Version of a Tractor-Trailer

In 2015, it was hard to differentiate American plastic surgeons from the Mayflower Moving Company.

What these plastic surgeons did was transfer the fat of over 15,000 women. They removed it from their bellies, packed it, and re-located it to the women’s butts, which must be like the plastic surgeon version of Texas, where taxes are low and jobs are plentiful.

Accompanying those fat transfers in that same year were over 4,800 butt lifts and over 2,500 butt implants, and the number is likely much higher now.

On the surface this practice seems benign, perhaps even great for males who appreciate a curvy bottom, but a large percentage of these women aren’t just buffing out their butts a bit; they’re having them enhanced to gargantuan, monstrous proportions. They’re not symmetrical, they’re not proportionate, and they sure as hell ain’t functional.

Much of the blame can be placed on Kim Kardashian, the female version of a tractor-trailer.

Countless females around the country have grown up with that thing in their faces, noticed how much attention it got, and have perversely wanted to have one of their own, too, whether by surgical intervention, marathon workout sessions geared solely towards butt development, adopting fashion styles that accentuate size over substance, or worse, freeing it from dietary restraint and letting it grow unfettered, all so they can be like Kim.

Butts on Every Street Corner, Begging for Change

This big-behind mania is reminiscent of what happened after the release of the Disney movie, 101 Dalmatians. After seeing it, thousands of children wanted to have their own spotted bundle of joy, too, and sentimental parents acquiesced. Months later, after the movie was nothing but a memory, many got tired of these dogs because of their low intelligence and difficulty in training.

They then ignored them, dumped them off at dog pounds, or simply abandoned them.

You wonder if the same thing will happen to all these augmented butts, spotted or otherwise. Maybe there will come a day when they’re out of fashion and the back alleys of cities will be filled with unwanted, homeless keisters hovering together for warmth and trying to earn some pocket change by cleaning windshields with one scoot of their ample butt cheeks.

Okay, that probably won’t happen, but I maintain that these disproportionate rear ends are just a passing fashion.

A Giant Pumpkin Smothered in Oatmeal

The problem is that right after Kim Kardashian started her media romp around 2007, many American females started to confuse the academic butt descriptors callipygian and steatopygian. The former is from the Greek terms “kalli” and “puge” and means beautiful buttocks, while the latter is from the Greek terms “stear” and “puge,” which put together means “tallow rump.” That’s right, lard butt.

In the eyes of these women who were awestruck by Kardashian’s backside, steatopygous was no different than callipygous. They valued substance, not style, and by substance I mean 100% pure butt-meat, the more the better.

By most barometers of beauty, a proportionate or somewhat proportionate posterior that has a surface you can see your face in, like a shiny new car, is great, but it’s an entirely different matter when said butt has the appearance of a giant pumpkin smothered in lumpy oatmeal.

Looking back, though, the quest for the big, proportionate, beautiful butt – the callipygous butt – is as old as civilization itself.

The History of Adding Junk to the Trunk

Using artificial means to increase the size of the derriere can be traced back to Ancient Greece where women would actually perform a dance where they literally kicked themselves in the rear to make it bigger and firmer.

While this questionable method didn’t survive the ancient Greeks, women in more recent cultures accentuated the size of their hindquarters by wearing bustles, hoop skirts, and dresses designed to grossly exaggerate the hips.

It wasn’t until the 1950’s that doctors got involved. That’s when surgeons from Brazil and Mexico started taking fat cut from the abdomen and transferring it to the gluteal area, but much of it was reabsorbed.

After the silicone breast implant was invented in the 70’s, a few doctors started cutting the implants in half and implanting them in the buttocks, but the result was too close to some weird, four-lobed, hemispherically symmetrical creature from those nuclear fallout movies.

The 1980’s saw the advent of the contact-lens shaped silicone implants specifically designed for the derriere, but there just weren’t that many women interested in having the procedure, at least in America, where breasts have been king of the hill, or hills, for a long, long time.

Most of the women that initially wanted butt implants were either Brazilian or Mexican, where the ass has always had more allure than the breasts. Enter the 1990’s. Enter J-Lo. My friend, the late plastic surgeon Bruce Nadler, one of the ass-implant pioneers, said, “J-Lo did for the butt implant what Pamela Anderson did for the breast implant.”

Suddenly, asses were in. They were so in that plastic surgeons and amateur aficionados alike spent a lot of time discussing the qualities unique to aesthetically pleasing behinds.

Keister Classification

Two Mexican doctors, Dr. Ramon Cuenca-Guerra and Dr. Jorge Quenzada, by request of The New York Times, studied 132 patients and more than 1100 photos and determined that a beautiful ass has the following characteristics:

  • Slight hollows on each side.
  • A curved fold where the butt meets the thighs.
  • A V-shaped crease that looks like cleavage.
  • Two dimples in the lower back.

Another expert, plastic surgeon Constantino Mendieta, was similarly tasked but he came up with a different conclusion. Dr. Mendieta believes that overall butt shape is more important. He concluded that they come in 4 different shapes:

  1. Square
  2. Round
  3. V-shape
  4. A-shape

“The prettiest buttocks,” he explains, “look like A’s, like upside down hearts with a wider bottom than top.”

Clearly, Dr. Mendieta never worked at a grocery store. Otherwise, he’d place more value on the square butt because of its stackability on shelves. But this current preference for mega-sized rear ends can’t be blamed on a moderately talented Latina with a pinata-sized butt. No, things got super-sized when Kim Kardashian’s butt breached the ocean of the media world.

Clearly, Dr. Mendieta never encountered the Kardashian butt, which, like Brody in “Jaws,” would have had him insisting on going back and getting a bigger boat.

Caveat Emptor

Granted, recent photos of Kardashian show a smaller version, but the butt is still preternaturally large. The origins of her mythic behind are many (bit by a big-assed radioactive spider, born on a planet with an enormous, red, butt-shaped sun), but most think it’s a product of injections.

Kardashian denies surgical or medical intervention of any kind, but she did, in 2016, admit to getting injections in her bottom for what she claimed was psoriasis. Plastic surgeon Aaron Rollins, however, has been rumored to have worked on her butt, no doubt with a work crew of 40 men with pick and axe, but even he thinks it’s gotten too big: “Let her serve as a lesson to anyone who wants to make a body part bigger.”

No Proportion, No Firmness, No Fitness

Many women, of course, eschew plastic surgery and instead try to augment their butt through working out. Fine, but they seem to base their entire workout on building the glutes to the exclusion of all other body parts, save perhaps the abs.

Imagine if there were men who only trained one body part, like pecs or biceps, or men that never trained their legs and had disproportionately large upper bodies…okay, bad example.

The worst part of this, not that it’s like nuclear proliferation or climate change or anything, is that the Kardashian butt has given a distressing number of women carte blanch to advertise their ample but not adorable bottoms on social media and the street. They post and flash away with no regard to proportion or firmness or fitness.

Further, they may delight in their God-given steatopygous ass (the “lard butt”) and choose not to “ruin it” through diet or exercise and instead devote untold hours posting pictures of said flabby butt on the internet, to which multitudes of male fat-ass enablers signal their electronic approval.

Years ago, women would not have been proud of these oversized appendages. Years ago, when a woman asked you if her “butt looks big in these pants,” the safe and expected answer would have been “no way.” Now the safe and expected answer is “hell yes.”