T Nation

The Immortal Ass Thread


#1

In response to popular (female) demand, I am hereby resurrecting one of the classic threads from back in the days when the Forum was wild and untamed. I won't take up too much space here, but will post the thread in several responses.

In order to preserve the narrative flow, please, no one post on this thread until I've posted my "final comment" reply.

Thank you.

[Clears throat] And now, on with our story...


#2

The thread started innocently enough. My man Dre (who has since become one of the Forum's Dearly Departed) asked a question about best body parts...

Dre
06/06/01
11:31 PM
Do others have any ideas of their most and least developed bodyparts? For my part my forearms would have to win best (they were 13' before I ever lifted with 13' biceps which brought a few popeye comments) and my pecs the worst (18 months' focus and just thickening now).

Dre got feedback from various people, some of whom you might recognize...

Timbo
06/07/01
08:52 AM
Another superb and unique post by Dre, quite possibly the Marv Albert of the forum--keeping the color commentary going, not biting, folks! For me, I'd have to say that my delts outshine all my other bodyparts. Not only do they appear more developed, I've been told and can tell they often come in and help out in other exercises.

Nate Dogg
06/07/01
09:28 AM
Shoulders, biceps, forearms and calves are my worst parts. Chest and back have come along well. Legs are decent, but have been bigger and stronger in the past. I'm trying to address imbalances. I've had to stop doing direct chest work because my chest overshadows my shoulders and arms big time. I hate having long, lean limbs and a short torso. It doesn't look right. But I'll do my best to correct it!

Goldberg
06/07/01
11:39 AM
I weigh around 225-230 and if my upper body was as big proportionately as my lower body i would weigh 250. Ive always fought to make my upper body bigger. I think it was because i was always careful not to be a pussy and work my legs hard. Plus when i played football, i needed strong legs more than anything.

JOEY Z.
06/07/01
02:16 PM
HAMS!...HAMS!...HAMS!...HAMS!...HAMS!...HAMS!...HAMS!...
HAMS!...HAMS!... HAMS!...HAMS!... HAMS!...HAMS!...HAMS!...
I hate to talk about myself,but my hamstrings look like
2-large, peaked, shelled Walnut halves! (and my quads aren't
far behind either.) It's kind of strange because my BF isn't
all that low (10-ish) and yet my LEGS are RIPPED shitlessly
go figure!What sucks is my waist line -I can't get rid of my
friggen LOVE-HANDLES.LOVE-HANDLES PISS ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!


#3

Then I chimed in:

char-dawg
06/08/01
06:29 AM
Yeah, Dre, nice post. Joey A, I hear you. I hate my friggin' handles too. Worst bodypart: quads. They look like Tara Lipinsky's. Best bodypart: Well, this gets a bit complicated. Bodybuilding-wise, I'd have to say upper arms. They grow very easily. But attractiveness-wise... well, I know there will be some who disagree and whose bubbles are burst, but I do have the best masculine ass on the planet. With aplogies to Dana Carvey, it's a perfectly-shaped geometrical object. Scientists all over Japan calibrate their instruments by MY ASS.

A fellow named styles responded:

styles
06/11/01
01:41 PM
Best bodypart? Got to be my penis. It's long, thick, and match in vascularity only by Casey Viator's forearms. My chest is pretty damn good and I could probably give char-dawg a run for his money in the glute department (people don't call me "pillow-ass" for nothing). As far as worst bodypart, it's my calves by far. I'm white, but my calves are set high, like many blacks' are. Got a question: I've also got really, really flat feet (almost no arch), and was wondering if anybody else had small calves and flat feet? just a theory. Peace.


#4

Needless to say, styles' query was ignored...

char-dawg
06/11/01
08:27 PM
Styles, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but a truly world-class ass is, well, more than mere convexity. From your description, what you have is a technical condition referred to as "hyperglutealmegaly", one unfortunately that means little in serious ass-rating circles. To be in my league, one must not only have basic mass (admittedly the first requirement), but beyond that "lift", a lumbar spine section with a "swayback" configuration, Grecian proportion and form, and a certain je ne sais quoi that drives the ladies insane with lust. Have you thought about cleft taper? No, I didn't think so. What about degree of arc under the gluteal curve? Thought not. Seasoned ass competitors can do the integral calculus necessary to calculate these values IN THEIR HEADS, bubba!


#5

Things quickly deteriorated from there...

styles
06/11/01
09:41 PM
char-dawg, I didn't want to admit it, but yes, I have let my gluteal curve slide a bit in the last few weeks, but my cleft taper was rated "top choice" in Ghetto Ass magazine just this past march (see page 34, you'll be pleasantly suprised). Honestly, we could debate all day about the fine art of ass geometry, but we all know that the ass is functional as well as beautiful. A well conditioned ass can be used to pick up anything. Loose change, not a problem. Dropped your fork? Got it covered. Small children? "I'll get you out, Danny!" the list goes on and on. Except gerbils, Never, ever pickup gerbils. Char-dawg, hopefully I have convinced you that my ass is not only a sculpted piece of rock, but also and polite and functioning member of society.


Monkeyboy Eric
06/12/01
08:39 AM
Styles you f'ing liar. You were not # 34 in the "Ghetto Ass" issue. You came in 35, but you're bitter cause you lost out to that guy in a wheelchair with the clear plastic bottom. I suggest you apologize to the T-forum. Lata.

"MB: Biology just took one perfectly ugly turn since 2 BC."

-Eric

styles
06/12/01
10:49 AM
Monkeyboy Eric, me, bitter? maybe I'm bitter becuase something that was oh so rightfully mine was taken from me in nothing more than dirty ass politics. I didn't want to bring it up, but we both know that kid in the wheelchair's ass was loaded with synthol. Why, that lumpy, oil-filled, "pump-n-pose" mass was a sharp stab to the heart to everything we hold dear. I also didn't want to bring up the "rumors" that the kid performed sexual favors to several of the judges, but the alternative would be to live in obscure shame in the world of assdom. Spot #34 is mine, damnit, I'll take that argument to my grave.

Monkeyboy Eric
06/12/01
12:39 PM
Well Styles, maybe if you didn't use the Costco size vat of posing oil on your can you wouldn't have blinded the camera man and perhaps he could've gotten your "good cheek", you know, the one you mused over in your interview in issue 27. The combination of oil on your backside and the gloss on the page are enough to rast a frozen turkey if placed in the midday sun. Little Johnny Hansen worked his ass off to have his ass on those pages, and your disgraceful diatribe against him is a pathetic display. As far as synthol, how do you suggest he injected it with only one "real" arm and that mechanical pulley thing? Hmm? Jelousy is truly ruining the sport of Assposing. As for the rumors of "favors", you can't honestly make a connection between Johnny's closeness with the judges and editors of "Ghetto Ass" and his subsequent 34th placement. Despite his nickname, "The Bionic Sperm Bank", I fail to see the correlation.

"MB Eric: pumpin' up, throwin' down, since 1676."

-Eric

styles
06/12/01
01:19 PM
Everything Monkeyboy Eric said is true. I'm a fraud. A Fake. My wonderful glutes? nothing more than two christmas hams duct-taped to an otherwise flat posterior. I can't squat anymore because the sweat it produces sends the honey-glaze streaming down my legs like a river of shame. My glorious super-penis, described in a few posts above? that, too, is a sham. I'm hung like a Western Arizona Prarie Shrew who just swam in the English Channel. I'm beginning to think the girls here on campus have seen through my ruse, for the last 20 friday nights I have done nothing but dry hump my mattress with my "half-inch wonder nub." The only thing I ask of this forum, please, please don't tell my parents. Why, they're so proud of me and my perfect ass, finding out the truth would do nothing but crush them.

Monkeyboy Eric
06/12/01
02:15 PM
Styles, c'mon, don't forget the overbite...

"MB Eric: F'ed up fun for everyone since 3 BC"

-Eric

char-dawg
06/12/01
09:59 PM
It's true, everyone, Styles' overbite is something to behold. He could easily eat a Big Mac through a set of venetian blinds. However, there is more to his story than young MB Eric knows:

While the March, 2001 issue of Ghetto Ass showed the shameful results of the New York and Upstate New Jersey Ass Classic, wherein the ham-taped Styles took a quivering 35th place (resulting in screams of contest-fixing and prompting the Congressional Ass Oversight Committee to investigate the matter), if you look into the past issues a different story emerges. Back in 1992, a fresh-cheeked young lad who called himself "Stools" debuted in the premiere issue of "Class Ass" with what were undoubtedly the most promising glutes seen in a decade. He flexed and posed and did tricks with them, the most impressive being pinch-lifting two 45-pound plates off a loading-dock palette at once. People talked abotu his "baseball buttocks". Clearly, this was an up-and-coming ass. However, in a tragic lawn-mower accident, Stools had both cheeks vertically sliced cleanly off at the juncture of his upper quads. He gathered them up with the intent of going to the nearest hospital to have them re-sewn onto his now pathetically flat derriere, but found that he could no longer walk or run. Circling buzzards, quick to spot a feast, swooped down and gobbled the still-fresh buttocks before anyone could stop them.

Needless to say, the trauma of seeing one's ass disappear bit by bit into a couple of ugly birds wreaked permanent damage in Stools' tender young psyche. Once he got out of rehab he lurked in supermarkets, stealing first oranges, then cataloupes, then full-fledged hams - all for the purpose of taping them to his backside to recall his days of glory. He changed his name and entered ass contests again, where sympathetic judges let him compete in spite of his handicap. Of course, they could not, in good conscience, award him any placing higher than 35th.

Styles is a broken man today. If you meet him on the street, give him a few coins and for god's sake, don't comment about the orange glaze dripping on his shoes.

Monkeyboy Eric
06/12/01
10:55 PM
Char, while you were dead on, and, might I add, very thorough in your historical account, Styles problems ruptured far deeper than the volitile surface which we've only begun to scrape away at. This is the continuation of the T-Hollywood Story:

STYLES: "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASSK FOR..."

Styles grew up in a family of rotund, if not extremely sedentary furniture makers. Papa Styles prided himself on the innovation of the "assurounder", a built-in cushion which molded and cushion the most ample buttock. Unfourtunately, Lazy Boy stole the design before Papa Styles could aquire a patent. This left him bitter, and the family nearly broke. Living in a cabin in Upstate New York, the Styles family subsited on pancakes and small game, all well blanketed, drowned even, in maple syrup. The sticky, sugary confection was a staple food in the Styles' home, and their carcasses thanked them by clutching on to every sugary drop, creating thick layering not unlike a bear in preparation of a long winter's hibernation. Young Styles, aptly named due to his being the youngest Style in the household, often bore the brunt of his father's wrath. Paddled as a boy for the littlest mischeivous act, Young Styles learned to appreciate the thick padding that his buttocks provided. Yet he yearned to defy his father, to shed the pounds and mold his ass into something his father could not turn into a fleshy jello jiggler. Young Styles' drastic life changes next, on the T-Hollywood story...

"MB Eric: Taking a sanity break, since 1966."

-Eric


#6

The final comment?

ironbabe
06/13/01
07:02 AM
This was better than Saturday Night Live.


#7

Ah, those were the days.


#8

Pretty funny, what the hell happened to Dre?


#9

Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement.


#10

Tsk, tsk.

Everybody acts like they forgot about Dre.


#11

'1/2 inch wonder nub'?!?!?!?!
holy shit.


#12

Great stuff, char!

Man, no wonder the old timers have little patience with some of the posts today and end up departing.

Makes one wonder. Where the hell are they posting now?


#13

Is business THAT slow Char?


#14

You must've been REALLY bored last night. Great shit, hilarious!


#15

Someone once told me that I had the best arse they had ever seen.

Mine is like a granite carved peach. I can make each buttock dance up and down alternately.

I like my backside. Its nice.Its pert. Its pretty.Its purrrrrrty.


#16

Thanks for revisiting that thread Char, it was a classic and very entertaining. BTW, I once had a woman approach me at a bar I was working in, after a college football game in which I had just played, and tell me she enjoyed watching my butt while I ran and described as "like two puppies frolicking under a blanket". I'm not sure if I was totally flattered by that description, but she got full points for creativity


#17

Thank you Char-Dawg, you have just made my morning.....


#18

OMG, Char! That is some goooood stuff! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Aah, the dear departed Dre and MBE... At least we still have you! Now, about those pics... When do we get to see them, dammit?!

Magnus: I've gotten the "two kittens" and "two bunnies" thing before. Don't know what it is about small animals tussling about that has anything to do with the look of an ass. I think I'd prefer a fruit reference to a multiple mammal reference.


#19

What happened to MBE?
That was one funny sumbitch


#20

MBE is alive and well. Still quite the wordsmith too.

And I'm another one that misses the good ole days around here. The popularity that T-mag has now is a double-edged sword. I'm happy that the word is out and Biotest is doing well, but I kinda miss the cozy nature of the forum of old.

Still love it here though.