The Great Upheaval of Beartrap

Hey, not gonna write a book explaining everything, but i’m 33, currently 204.5, down from 255 in Oct, looking to do a natural bodybulding comp at the end of April, run a marathon at the end of May and then train and compete in powerlifting again. I also train Bjj and I’m trying to do that as often as possible lately.

I’m just going to give you the play by play from the last few days.

Thurs March 22
8am- wake, have 2 cups of bulletproof coffee, smoke 2-4 ciagarettes, 1 joint, 2-3 bong hits, eat 1/2 tbsp weed oil. Sit in silence at kitchen table.
10am - finish coffee, 2k run. i’m supposed to be doing 5k but my feet and ankles are still kind of messy from running 22km last wednesday so I take it slow until I feel better.
1030-1115- drink more coffee smoke more cigarettes, eat a big spoonful of weed butter.
1115- shower
1130- Leave
1145- arrive/ change/ chew nicotine gum
12- BJJ blue class
→ 2nd class this week, I see bjj more about facing conflict, one of my biggest limitations, than I do about fighting, it’s a lot of teamwork and learning to relax and work through a problem together. I find it extremely difficult and I’ve skipped a lot of classes. I’m doing as many as I can now.
115- home - drink a tim hortons bullet proof coffee as a reward for doing class, this is basically my favorite thing right now and probably the main reason I’m behind on my diet, I smoke 1-2 cigraettes as I do this, once again the whole time sitting in silence by myself.
5ish - went to my moms, she cooks almost all of my food for me right now, I pick up some ground beef and sweet potatos and turkey and get some pretty bad news that my disability pension has been put on hold because I was late handing in a form since starting a new job, that I quit. This means I don’t have the money to pay my rent or bills this month.
8- training - on my way home I stopped by the gym to just do something rather than be miserable. Of course my ex best friend was there, who isn’t talking to me. This was great as it’s my fault she’s not talking to me and i’m such a disaster that there’s not much to do right now. So i did Dimel deadlifts, 3 sets of 20, really squeezing my glutes on each rep. She left as I got done and my motivation went with her, I got very tired.
9- Become fairly suicidal for about an hour and have my poor mother have to talk me off the ledge. This is happening more and more often.
1030ish - smoke weed until I can’t breathe and stabilize somewhat. Listen to Jocko podcast.
1115- 50 push ups, 100 band rows, with 15 lb dumbell, 100 tricep extensions, 100 chest flys, 100 curls, 20-30 lateral raise
12 - bed

Fri March 23
8- wake/smoke/ bulletproof coffee/ weed/ weed oil/ sit in silence
11- trained a friend
12- speed bench workout 100lbs band tension (135,145,155,165,175,185,195,205,215,225)x3, incline db bench 3 sets, incline tate press 3 sets, fat bar pressdowns, lateral raise, db curl
230- home, bulletproof coffee, cigarettes
415- laid down
545 - up, bong hits and weed oil.
7- BJJ blue class
8- movie/ bulletproof coffee/ smoke my little heart out
10- 100 rep workout: 50 push ups, 100 band rows, 100 db extensions, 100 chest flys, 100 dumbell curls
12 - bed/supplements

Sat March 24
8am- wake/ bulletproof coffee/ smoke/oil
8-930 - chill in silence
10- Kerry : I meet my running coach every 2 weeks and today we kept it short, 4x400m just on the street with a pretty big uphill at the end. I ran basically flat out each time, and I’d lightly jog back catching my breath saying to myself each time that I couldn’t do it again, then by the time I got back to the start I’d make a deal with God that I’d try as hard as I could and if he wanted me to get to the end, the rest was up to him. This is by far the best I’ve ever ran, considering where I started at i’m really happy with the progress.
11- Home : smoke weed, eat more oil, make bulletproof coffee
12- Gym: Speed Lower - band squat with 100lbs tension (225,235,245,255,265,275,285,300,315)x2, 345x1. Band deadlift (225,245,265,275,315)x1 conventional x1 sumo at each weight.
230- home : bulletproof coffee/weed
3- Nap : Laid down as I felt like I was going to die, as soon as i closed my eyes I felt totally normal, then i’d open them and want to die again. Did that for about half an hour.
330- errands : get shrimp, go tanning, get moe coffee
5- 111 squats with mini band below knee and a broomstick on back
5-7- watch jocko podcast smoke weed drink coffee
7- 111 band rows, 111 push ups, 11 band pull apart
7-930: more podcasts, try to read and still can’t concentrate enough to do it, bong hits
930: 111 tricep extensions, 111 chest flys, 111 dumbell curls
10- put on podcast and get in bed

Sunday March 25
7am - coffee/cigarttes/oil - no weed this morning
730 - work - I teach a circuit class in exchange for being able to take the classes myself, pretty good deal
11- home/chill/ attempt to lay down to rest and eventually just get frustrated
230- get to gym fully intending to try to beat my dip record, but I got to the door and my key fob was missing… I take this kind of stuff seriously, so I took it as a sign that I shouldn’t do the dips, I went to my car and looked in my bag and it was in and end pocket, if you saw the ring and how I’d handled my keys, you’d realize it’s near impossible for that to happen. So I went in the gym to do a back workout, started to warm up and music came on that goes against god… and while I like the music, i took it as another bad sign, and it kept coming on, so I just left. Chalked it up as a sign from God to rest today, I’ve come to trust this kind of stuff.
3- literally as soon as I decided I wasn’t going to work out my mom texted me so I went over and she made me a steak and potatoes and made me some chicken for the next few days. Thanks mom.
630- home: bong hits, podcasts, blog, guess I’m takinf it easy the rest of the night. Going to eat some ground beef and some shrimp and a protein shake.