Having recently partaken in the somewhat dubious pleasure of watching the LA Dodgers, I find I can contain myself no longer with regard to a certain "Eric Gagne" who pitches for them.
Evidently, he's been hanging around the league for a couple of years, and I'm willing to concede he might be a passably good pitcher, despite the fact that he is ... well, (there's really no nice way to say this, I fear), French ? or, more precisely, French-Canadian ... a distinction "sans" difference, mais oui? It just goes to prove the power of the American Dream ...
But I digress. Look, I'm old enough to remember a pretty fair ballplayer with the same last name who played for the Minnesota Twins ... Greg, as I recall now ... a REAL ballplayer, by the way ? that is, the type who plays every day and gets his uniform dirty, in contrast to, say, a relief pitcher. THAT Mr. Gagne had the common decency to pronounce every letter in his name, the way God intended Real Americans to do: i.e GAG-nee.
Now, however, this popinjay in Los Angeles (where else?!) has the temerity to affect some preposterous Eurotrash pronunciation: i.e. GONE-yay. Can you say "outr?," boys and girls?
(Excuse me while I take my glycerine pills ? I get apoplectic sometimes at the mere thought of it)
Anyway ... the state of America's game is arguably bad enough, what with that rum-runner Jones playing centerfield for the Atlanta Braves, the one who can't seem to manage to spell his first name properly. Moreover, I'm told some bumptious fellow with the Anaheim Angels is going by the (ahem) singular first name of "Chone," and I've been assured it's pronounced just like "Shawn"! This, just when I thought we'd heard the last of "Shay-Juan" Dunston.
Noah Webster, who first led us from bondage under the imperial dictates of "Merrie Oulde" England, must be spinning in his grave. Remembering how he freed our language from the "colours" and "flavours" of corrupt empire, I'll not stand silently by and suffer this abuse to continue unchallenged.
No, in thunder! This aggression will not stand. Surely it's enough that seventeen percent of the English language already is a direct result of the Francophile Invasion of 1066? One might usefully bear in mind the Plague: it, too, is ever-prone to disturbing reemergences in the gutters of Paris.
Eternal vigilance is indeeed the cost of freedom.
Ever Yr Humble Correspondent,
- A Special Contributor has enlightened us as to what, in any event, Brian Boitano would do, for which we are most grateful.