Well close enough. I did try to sleep but after little more than ten minutes I had to get up because I was completely overwhelmed by the emotions I was feeling. I got out in my garden and started to cry out loud. The fact is that I am not sure what I was crying about. I had a river of thoughts and emotions flowing through my mind and identifying the single ones is proving nearly impossible.
I started having memories of random things that would evoke me emotions. I thought about my journey with coach Paul Carter which just ended and couldn’t help but remember some of the mails I had from him during the hardest parts that motivated me. Then I thought about my mum and started to feel guilty about the times we fight and I treat her worse than she deserves. Then I had memories from last winter, songs and moments that I store as the most intense memories, some of which related to an ex girlfriend of mine as well. I also feel very lonely during these moments, although I never feel like that in a normal state.
Also all of this generally happens when I’m trying to sleep. I get fixated on the fact that I need to get at least x number of hours of sleep so I start to get anxious about not being able to fall asleep and all of this happens in conjunction with it. I haven’t slept normally in ages because I have always this stress of trying to get in more sleep but you know, I have to wake up early for school so it makes me even more anxious.
Now I’ve just gone for a walk, it’s 1am and my alarm is set at 6.50am. I’ve never just left my house like this in the night when I was unable to sleep. Right now I’m very calm but just because I postponed the problem. I fear a lot the moment I’ll have to get back to my bed. I wish I could just stay up all night so I don’t have to face the problem but I guess it wouldn’t help the sleep problem.
I don’t know, I am pretty messed up in this regard. I have been seeing a therapist over this and other issues but I feel like I haven’t accomplished much in the way of fixing this yet. Thanks for reading all of this.