T Nation

The Evolution of Masturbation

CMC to CGB [radio static]

Frequency of masturbation has remained the same since I was a newbie. I hope that when I’m your age I’ll find enough satisfaction in being able to regularly bang my wife and/or my busty secretary. That should be fun. Of course, I’m getting ahead of myself because I sorta have to date a girl for more than a month and get a job before that happens.

Over [static]

Take a “rest cycle” from masturbation for two weeks.

After that, staring at linoleum will turn you on.


Got any more euphemisms? I was laughing out loud - I hadn’t heard some of those before. My favorite is “playing a tune on the meat whistle.”

I masturbate much more now than I did when I was younger. For some reason, it never occured to me to jack off when I could just go fuck the quarterback or whomever else crossed my path. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten significantly more selective in my partners and as such, have to be understanding of our differences in urges. He may be tired, stressed, hurt (physical job), sick or simply unavailable. At times such as those, I just take care of myself. But even when I’m getting all the sex I can handle, I still average about 6 times a week. Mid-day is the worst thing for me…

CMC, boy have you got a lot to learn…

When you’re my age and you’re either married or have a girlfriend, you’ll be masturbating whether you believe me or not, for reasons that will someday become very aparent to you. I was once like you and day dreamt about nailing my future busty secretary, but then reality hit me and these days you can still find me locked in the bathroom, pants-around-the-ankle, pounding the meat to a stained, dog-eared newstand copy of Swank.

A story for the thread…


I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT?”

She proceeds to say the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each, to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I do think she was testing me though when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, once we got to the cashier, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”

You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during Spring 2006.

Heard that one before. Pretty funny, and so true.

To Karma,

I have heard that story before but its a bloody funny one.

I thought I was a horny little monkey but you got me beat hands down!! Women that masturbate and talk about it are the coolest!!!

Is it really a struggle to get through midday with doing the deed?

More euphemisms,


1.Strangle the one eyed trouser demon
2.Bash the bishop
3.Drain the vein
4.Whack your weed
5.Tug the monkey
6.Say hello to Mrs Palm and her
five lovely dughters


1.Open the hairy clam
2.Part the pubic sea
3.Stroking the hairy love taco
4.Fidget with your digit

First, I must say my dependancy cycle on porn has not only killed off my imagination, but has put me in that state in which I need some really bizare shit to get off. That’s normal I suppose.
One interesting thing I discovered last year was that I had been training so long, and with such frequency, that my sex drive goes insane if I take a few days off. During normal training periods, I whack ~2 times per day. During more intense periods, it drops to ~1.5avg per day. What is funny is that if I take three or more consecutive days off from training (eg injury) I end up whacking between 4 and 6 times per day for the next week or two until my balls readjust. It may be at least partly boredom or nervous energy induced, but regardless, I get a hardon just looking at my sexy little house plant. It is a genuine pain (it really does hurt). Am I the only one with that much variability?

Good luck everyone, I am pulling for you.

Karma that’s cool. Maybe it’s a genetically wired hunter brain thing. I’m always better than spotting the wild game than most of my car passengers. Maybe guys are pigs. Maybe we have lazy imaginations. Most guys i know don’t fantasize, but have to be really horny like Nate said. Who knows? Maybe it’s just an individual thing. I guess it doesn’t matter as long as we’re happy.

All I need is one of Karma’s posts. While I’m fairly visual like most men, for me, the imagination is so much stronger than the visual.

~karma~ - I didn’t know women “jacked off”, but that’s actually a really good term.

wait a damn second now… you get the burning sensations if you pee? is that a sign that you’re playin’ pocket pool to much ha? maybe i should beat off a little more then ill get hat burning sensation?

Heck when ever I try to yank it my kids come beating on the door. I can’t even get it done once a week.

My girlfriend get’s really pissed if I do it. She thinks it’s like cheating on her or something. ? anyone else have that problem?

folks you are all [pretty good at this.what happens when you get like me and go through that and say the hell with all of it.haha
hey i guess you could swap hands and it seem like something new ah.

My wife is the same way. OHwell.

One thing.

I’m struggling with whether these ‘expressions’ are euphamisms or not.

You see, a euphamism something you use in place of an expression that might potentially offend someone.

So I’m wondering if stuff like ‘Open the hairy clam’ and ‘part the pubic sea’ are more ‘acceptable’ than ‘masterbating’.

Either way, though, they’re still amusing. :slight_smile:

To vegita and Solo: That is when you tell her to get on her knees, or whatever position you prefer! You’re a T-man damnit!! You’ve got needs and desires. At least you’re not going to another girl and/or hooker.