T Nation

The Dating Thread

I don’t have a preference either way.

I just think that it shaped my views on physical intimacy

I dunno. My parents were also never affectionate - in fact, they seemed repelled by each other - and I’m extremely physically affectionate with a romantic partner.

I prefer that other people, with the exception of young children, not come too close, so it’s not that I’m super touchy. Just in the context of a relationship.

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I’m twenty. I don’t have a wife.

My experience with dating is limited to the one and only girlfriend I’ve ever had, a few casual dates in effort to navigate the potential for a future relationship

In the past I haven’t been particularly interested in a monogamous relationship, not that I was particularly interested in promiscuity either. Rather I essentially didn’t feel the need for emotional intimacy.

As time has passed, I have been started to perceive significant benefits associated with the idea of having a long term partner

It’s like having a best friend who will be with you through thick and thin, someone you can confide in. There’s also the aspect of physical intimacy that actually is free of consequence, but when on antidepressants that prospect tends to stay in the backburner less androgen index is cranked up a little bit. Not to say that I don’t enjoy sexual relations, but it’s not my mind 24/7 unlike many men.

I have intermittent experience with hookups, however that’s not dating and it’s been a while. Nevertheless, I will extrapolate.

Hookups serve as nothing aside from a means to satisfy desire, however that desire can be satisfied independently too. The ‘fun’ aspect of sexual relations is the notion of two partners communicating with one another, working together in unity. The focus isn’t only on you, it takes two to tango and in this case there’s also a sense of satisfaction associated with making someone else feel good. The sense of intimacy (even if casual) is heightened.

This is one of the few positives I attribute to modern era feminism. Bringing female sexuality/pleasure up to the forefront of modern relations. In the past female pleasure was considered taboo, degenerate and disgusting. The dynamic pertaining to sexual relations has changed. Foreplay is considered far more important than it used to be, and rightfully so. The build up is EXTREMELY important for the woman, and most women aren’t going to reach orgasm from penetration alone (statistically around 30%).

Women within sexually repressed religious communities (Inis Beag anyone?) saw sexual relations as a painful activity that had to be ensured… Tolerated. How sad is that…

That’s one of the problems I have with the idea of restricting what grown adults can or can’t do in the bedroom. If oral sex gets you off, as is the case for MANY women… how dare you tell me that’s disgusting and/or illegal! As if the stimulus required to elicit pleasure is too degenerate.

Physical and emotional intimacy are required for a healthy relationship

I’d tend to disagree, not in part due to the religious element as I have no opinion one way or another. I think there are positive and negative aspects associated with religion. I suppose it depends… What religion? How much are we restricting in order to adhere to scripture? How does this religion shape our views of others that don’t abide by our standard of living? I’ve found a portion of the hyper religious crowd are rather judgemental, condescending and abide by a “holier than thou” narrative.

I have another way of thinking about it. If you’ve got a big family, you’re at an advantage from my perspective.

Having friends and/or family scout for you can be incredibly helpful, they can pick out a nice women, man or triangle from a respectable background/of apt character and get the wheels flowing for you. You still need to initiate/ask the girl out, however if through family/friends talking to her it is obvious interest is apparent the chance of rejection is minimal.

After this, you can go out on a date… Navigate the waters, see if you are compatible. I’ve known quite a few relationships to be set up this way, particularly in the Jewish community (not JUST the orthodox community either). These relationships based upon seeking out two partners who seem compatible, allowing them to date and going from there tend to have a decent chance of being successful.

I think that’s better then walking into a church, a synagogue and looking for a woman to ask out. That’s arguably the same as cold approaching. Not that I think cold approaching can’t work, it’s especially beneficial within secular society. Rejection is a part of life. We can’t live in a happy, sheltered environments wherein everything always goes our way.

What I don’t agree with is going out on one or two dates… Then getting married a month after you meet. In a modern society, where lifespans are infinitismally longer than they used to be, where career trajectories and educational attainment standards are night and day in terms of difference… This isn’t the optimal grounds for finding your soulmate.

I’ve done it before, I’ve also had dates set up for me. At university I sometimes initiated conversation out of the blue that led to a date. Granted I’m not really the type for one night stands. When I date, I’m going out with someone because I’m looking for a potential girlfriend. Covid in Australia has made this tremendously difficult for me though. In the few months this year I’ve had free I’ve been on three dates.

It should be noted I legitimately don’t mind being turned down, it doesn’t shatter my ego… Not that I have an ego to begin with.

I was picked relentlessly on for years… And years… And years… One more kick in the teeth isn’t going to knock me down.

Cold approaches don’t worry me, neither does the prospect of rejection. As specified before, a lifetime of rejection will numb you. Have no expectations and you’ll never be disappointed :sweat_smile:

Was this just the way you looked (genetics?) Or were you a troublemaker? Don’t answer if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. Ted Cruz for instance has a creepy looking face, there’s even some hilarious science behind it.

I always assumed you would have been a good kid on the basis of how you’ve turned out.

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My therapist did say that I might have an avoidant attachment style.

And I’m on the spectrtum, so that may also play a role?

I said what I would do.

I agree with this
especially

What do you think about my idea re family/friends setting the wheels in motion?

It’s 100000000000000x better than going to a bar and asking for random numbers

How I met your mother had some hilarious skits on this. Granted that show would NEVER pass cancel culture today.

Yes… The show had one very unscrupulous main character, but throughout the series he (Barney) reforms. The entire premise of the sitcom is the story of a man looking for his soulmate.

I found it hysterical, even if there were times I would be watching and would think to myself “that’s fucked up!”.

Doesn’t hold a candle to South Park though. But South Park was based on the precipice that the creators took everything that was and is wrong with society, they’d amp up the insanity ten fold and showcase all toxic social constructs in a manner that’d make them appear normal.

It’s absolutely hilarious BECAUSE of how obviously antisocial it is. Whereas in HIMYM (aside from Barneys antics) the concepts that I thought were “wrong” were treated as if they were actually normal, and not in a satirical manner either.

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You THINK he likes you?

If a man is willing to drop his partner prior to breaking up in a civil and respectful manner in order to pursue someone else, this reflects horribly on his character.

If he’s willing to flirt with you while he has a GF, who is to say he wouldn’t do that to you? Albeit with some other girl.

My gut instinct tells me this guy is a bad option if he is willing to stray.

Same goes with girls.

If you are like me, you don’t actually “not want a relationship”, rather the prospect of emotional intimacy scares you. Over time there’s a good chance you’ll start seeking out a partner.

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What if the person they’ve arranged for you to marry is a total asshole? Or a fat slob… Or twice your age?

That’s why I don’t like arranged marriages. Not everyone is compatible, and just because an arranged marriage results in the wife popping out a few kids and raising them… It doesn’t mean the wife is happy. It doesn’t mean the father is a good father, it doesn’t guarantee the kids are treated to an optimal home environment. A resentful/unhappy adult doesn’t make the greatest parent.

Well, he could be like my brother, who has many female friends and treats them better than most ppl treat their actual partners

He’s not an option at all. He’s just a guy who’s very nice and we help each other with homework

Yes

I trust my parents enough to know that they wouldn’t do this. They are VERY picky about character, especially my mum
I wouldn’t mind the twice my age thing if it were in the context of a family business connection

So you wouldn’t mind having to hop into bed (marriage entails this) with a forty year old man?

Sometimes arranged marriages are assigned between two at birth. It’s impossible to ascertain the character of an infant.

I’d infinitely prefer not to, but if I had to, I’d do it- if only for my parents

I complain a lot about my parents, but at the end of the day, she sacrificed more than I can fathom to give me the life I have.

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WHY though… Why not hop into bed with someone who you’ve been dating for a while. Someone you know you love, someone you are comfortable being intimate with.

As opposed to someone who others have chosen for you, someone you might not know very well… Someone who you very well may not be attracted to (physical attraction is important, but not quite as important as emotional attachment)

Your parents making sacrifices for you doesn’t give them the right to say “you sleep with this person! You have his children!”

They can introduce you to someone, they can tell you they don’t want you seeing someone… If you’re like sixteen… But I vehemently disagree with arranged marriage

It’s not about the marriage type per se, so perhaps we are misinterpreting one another. Marriage related outcomes are heavily mediated by the level of influence one has over partner selection. If an arranged marriage allows for the adolescent or adult to have input, the outcome doesn’t necessarily skew towards an adverse outcome

This study covers women, but the same results are typically seen with men too

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I’ll answer in my log to prevent derailing this thread further

We aren’t derailing. We are talking about marriage.

Marriage is the desired result associated with dating.

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Consolidation of power and control of resources dude.

I know you don’t like it, but it works. I’ve seen it in action with a few construction companies in my region. Between a few intermarried families, they have hundreds of millions of dollars worth of work hemmed up very neatly.

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The incentive being millions of dollars

Do you support arranged marriage where individualistic input is tossed aside?

I mean… If I had an arranged marriage set up that would guarantee me 100 mil i’d do it too… Without hesitation

You have arranged marriage and you have forced marriage. Not all arranged marriages are forced, but the ones that are have a high likelihood of resulting in at least one seriously unhappy partner.

Arranged marriages aren’t always authoritarian in nature, and sometimes they’re culturally appropriate. Forced marriage is a barbaric practice that entails legitimate oppression, denial of free will and abuse.

If someone REALLY doesn’t want to get married to the person they’re getting married to, but they don’t have a choice… Now they have to have sex with their partner or risk being ostracised or worse… killed

Is that not rape? If someone tells me ‘no, it isn’t because they’re married’ I feel fully justified in skewing the narrative and posing the question “are you okay with sexual assault? How is this any different?” @SkyzykS

Because believing forced marriage under the threat of homelessness or death is equitable to affirmative consent is some Taliban style logic.

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I’d say wear the ring and bang who ever you want.

Practically speaking.

On the romantic loving and caring side, sure, that’s bad.

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Wouldn’t that be grounds for marriage termination? Getting disowned by one (or both) families.

Don’t know, but it Doesn’t appear to be. I’m broke white trash. Nobody is arranging any marriages around my fortune or faith.

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