In honor of two great minds, Linnaeus, and Chuck Jones, I propose a taxonomy of gym types, both good and bad.
Gymus Squattus Assesgrassis:
A rarely spotted specimen, known for sizable thighs and scabs about the back of the neck, Squattus Assesgrassis can be easily recognized by a purplish face during a workout, and a strange, trepidatious walk afterwards. Not to be confused with Squattus Partialis, who is assesgrasses’ nemesis.
Gymus Squattus Partialis:
Frequently spotted, often in the Smith Machine, this particular gym denizen will squat, but, believing that permanent, crippling damage will result from straying below parallel- possibly a tibia exploding out from the shin or a femur snapping - Partialis stays in the upper quadrant. There is a inverse correlation as well between the weight and the degree of the squat, so that as the weight increases, the range squatted decreases.
Gymus Gruntus Extremis:
A cousin of Squatus Partialis, Gruntus Extremis will call out loudly during any particular move and there is a relation between the weight, the range, decibels, and how many people are in the gym. For example: if SP above is squatting with three plates a depth of three inches, he (or she, though unlikely) will yell at about 90db at the top of the rep. Often known to leave the weights on the bar (cf: Egois Leavis)
Gymus Dankus Trogolodytus:
A breed of gym goer who makes his or her home in underground places or dark holes with little or no amenities. Noted for a general pastiness, Troglodytus idolizes Dorian Yates.
Gymus Biggus Mofous:
An impressive beast of a gym goer, Biggus Mofous will wait for you to finish andwarm-up with the weight you maxed out on. When feeding, it is best to remain at least 10m away from the central area, lest you be confused with the meal and quickly eaten.
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