T Nation

The Beastiary

In honor of two great minds, Linnaeus, and Chuck Jones, I propose a taxonomy of gym types, both good and bad.

Here goes:

  1. Gymus Squattus Assesgrassis:
    A rarely spotted specimen, known for sizable thighs and scabs about the back of the neck, Squattus Assesgrassis can be easily recognized by a purplish face during a workout, and a strange, trepidatious walk afterwards. Not to be confused with Squattus Partialis, who is assesgrasses’ nemesis.

  2. Gymus Squattus Partialis:
    Frequently spotted, often in the Smith Machine, this particular gym denizen will squat, but, believing that permanent, crippling damage will result from straying below parallel- possibly a tibia exploding out from the shin or a femur snapping - Partialis stays in the upper quadrant. There is a inverse correlation as well between the weight and the degree of the squat, so that as the weight increases, the range squatted decreases.

  3. Gymus Gruntus Extremis:
    A cousin of Squatus Partialis, Gruntus Extremis will call out loudly during any particular move and there is a relation between the weight, the range, decibels, and how many people are in the gym. For example: if SP above is squatting with three plates a depth of three inches, he (or she, though unlikely) will yell at about 90db at the top of the rep. Often known to leave the weights on the bar (cf: Egois Leavis)

  4. Gymus Dankus Trogolodytus:
    A breed of gym goer who makes his or her home in underground places or dark holes with little or no amenities. Noted for a general pastiness, Troglodytus idolizes Dorian Yates.

  5. Gymus Biggus Mofous:
    An impressive beast of a gym goer, Biggus Mofous will wait for you to finish andwarm-up with the weight you maxed out on. When feeding, it is best to remain at least 10m away from the central area, lest you be confused with the meal and quickly eaten.

Please help expand this encyclopedia.

Chuck Jones? As in Looney Tunes Chuck Jones?

  1. Gymus Menshealthus Metrosexularus

Perfoms ludicrously high volume workouts suitable for juiced up monsters, not 150lb weeneys. These will often include squat rack curls. Will leave water bottle/towel/gloves (Gloves!) on bench you need to use, some 10ft from where he’s working, and act all prissy when you touch his stuff. If you perfom snatches, cleans or push presses in his vicinity, will look at you like you’ve set yourself on fire.

[quote]malonetd wrote:
Chuck Jones? As in Looney Tunes Chuck Jones?[/quote]

Maybe. Perhaps he just hid his love of taxonomy from the general public!

[quote]malonetd wrote:
Chuck Jones? As in Looney Tunes Chuck Jones?[/quote]

He usually started the Roadrunner cartoons with these types of descriptions.

[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
malonetd wrote:
Chuck Jones? As in Looney Tunes Chuck Jones?

He usually started the Roadrunner cartoons with these types of descriptions.[/quote]

Yes, of course he did! So he didn’t so much hide it as shout it from the rooftops. D’oh.
Right. 3 replies on this topic is the limit, I reckon. To the gym!

[quote]Jonny James wrote:
…will look at you like you’ve set yourself on fire. [/quote]

And how I love getting that look. It almost, almost makes going to a commercial gym worthwhile.

Gymus Bimbouous Hawt-Assus:
You can often observe this veriety of gymus specimen mainly on the abductor machines. They like to perform hundreds of slow reps in the hopes of attracting Gymus Menshealthus Metrosexularus.

  1. Gymus Wussius Wifebeaterus

Easily spotted due to their garment choice of white underwear tank tops, the younger of the species tend to carry on in packs of 2 or more and can be spotted most frequently near squat racks, where endless repetitions of curls are performed with the olympic bar, usually with tremendous spinal arching and calls of approval and encouragement from others in the pack.

Their migration patterns are sporadic; some groups have been know to have been spotted frequenting the same area on a regular daily basis for up to a full month, but then usually disappear en masse only to reappear several months later.

Since there are no females of this species, it is speculated that the wussius wifebeaterus interbreeds with genetically compatible females outside of the gymus family (see Whitetrashius Trailerparkum).

Although known for his diminutive size and strength, a wifebeaterus can often be seen flexing his his barely visible muscles while looking into a public mirror (Note: a wifebeaterus has never been documented performing this ritual when he thinks he is not being observed).

  1. Gymus Exercisus Enigmus

This species can be seen across all lines of age, gender and ethnicity, and their classification as a species is difficult to pin down, as they are also clearly members of other species as well, which will be discussed later in this entry.

Most gyms have one or more of this species who perform bizarre (perhaps ritualistic) exercises, the fitness benefits of which are, at best, dubious. Such “exercises” often involve Swiss ball-balancing and/or one-legged standing of some kind while holding/moving dumbells of 5 lbs. or less (neoprene coated are a prefered choice of this species) in extensive, repetitive patterns.

Many other members of the gymus family cross over into the enigmus species. Most notably, a wussius wifebeaterus was recently observed performing activity which more than qualified him for enigmus status:

http://www.T-Nation.com/readTopic.do?id=1080443&pageNo=0#1086149

The gymus bimbouous hawt-assus is also a frequent cross-over into this species, usually the result of reading too many so-called “fitness articles” in “women’s magazines”.

  1. Gymus Highus Fivus:
    A flocking species, Highus Fivus are, like lemmings, seldom seen alone but usually in groups of three or four. As well, it seems to be a beast which disappears quickly, either by death or perhaps by exhausting the short supply of willpower. Highus Fivus is marked by the herding instinct around all types of gym equipment and it is a helpful species, often doing group effort work while one specimen is exercising. This is particularly obvious at the bench press, but seen wherever it is possible to have three people rather than one lifting. The species name derives from the congratulatory signal given at the end, which is a loud, raised palms open slap, coinciding with the call of “dude, sick set”.
    Note that Highus Fivus is a cousin of many of the above species and it is hypothesized that when separated from the group Highus Fivus may actually mutate into one of the other. This has never been spotted due to the secretive nature of life beyond the gym but we are currently tracking a few. Mostly, however, they spend time together at the GAP, Abercrombie and Fitch, and the Olive Garden.
  1. Gymus Adviceum Knowitallus

This species of the gymus family can frequently be seen giving his unsolicited opinions on exercise to gym goers of all types.

Although usually unimpressive in size, strength, or body composition, the knowitallus has even been known to dispense training advice to the gymus biggus mofous. Whether this is a hereditary lack of self-preservation instinct or a propensity towards near-sightedness is unclear at this time.

Dammit I thought this thread was gonna have links to beastiality!

Seriously, nice ones.

This thread is gold. Gold enough to claim my first post.

Keep it going guys.

Gymus Adviceum Beneficius
The opposite of Adviceum Knowitallus in everyway, despite being of the same species, Beneficius will not readily dispense advice; choosing to exemplify the maxim that actions speak louder than words, he lets his strength do the talking. If given reasonable complements such as ?nice pull/squat/lift?, Beneficius? ego will not inflate but he may say a humble thanks, and if asked sensible questions about form or advice, he or she will often offer thoughtful, worthwhile advice. Solid conversations may develop as well as camaraderie. Sadly, however, Adviceum Beneficius is seldom seen in anything other than the spaces frequented by Troglodytus (cf.), since the nature of his lifts generate a most pleasing clanging and banging that is, all to sadly, mere noise to the inhabitants of most facilities. Moreover, he is the subject of ridicule, staring, and whispering of many of the above species since he generally gets about his work in solitude and with focus.

Note: dedicated to the guy at the gym on Wednesday, the only other person I have ever seen deadlift, who was pulling 405 for reps, willing to share the only squat rack, and who gave me his bottle of chalk. Thanks.

Note: Not dedicated to the f**kwit who complained at my last place that the weights were too loud and scared him. He was a fine example of Gruntus Extremis.

Gymus Biggus Bonus

This husky fellow is most often seen with one or two much smaller training partners. Unconcerned about his bodyfat percentage he spends most of his time making loud egocentric comments (such as 'Man, these 45’s are heavy but I think I’ll use 50’s for the next set and just do 3 reps) in the hope that Gymus Bimbouous Hawt-Assus will take notice of his manly prowess.

Modesty is a foreign concept to this specimen, believing that having natural strength allows him to deride anyone not lifting as much as him. Anyone lifting more has obviously been lifting much longer and is probably on roids. When questionned about how many reps he can perform of any chosen bodyweight exercise, he will claim that his extra bodyweight (fat, to everyone else) puts him at a disadvantage.

Once again, members of this category often cross over into others, such as Gymus Squattus Partialis and Gymus Gruntus Extremis. It is also interesting to note that Gymus Biggus Bonus stops being quite so vocal when Gymus Biggus Mofous enters the vicinity.

Gymus Trainerus Boneheadius

An all too common species, the boneheadius can be spotted in gyms at all lattitudes dispensing outdated, false, and, at times, outright ludicrous training and nutrition advice to his clients.

Not to be confused with adviceum knowitallus, the trainerus boneheadius only dispenses his “knowledge” to those who monetarily compensate him for the “privilege”. Some examples of such advice may include, but is by no means limited to such statements as:

“That soreness you’ll feel tomorrow is lactic acid building up in your muscles.”

“If you want to get cut, just use light weight and do more reps.”

“You should do a lot of cardio to lose the fat you have first, then start lifting weights. Otherwise, you’ll be all bulky.”

“The smith machine is better for squatting because it’s less stress on your knees/lower back/etc.”

When challenged, the boneheadius is often quick to point out that he is “certified”, and thus anything he says is the gospel truth regarding weight training. Upon closer inspection, however, the boneheadius’ “certification” is often granted after attending a one-weekend seminar, or, more commonly, via an internet “certification course”.

It should be noted that the boneheadius seldom uses even the scant knowledge imparted by his certification course, and chooses instead to rely on outdated, debunked training principles, and oftentimes anatomical folk tales he was taught when he first began training (see above example statements). He seldom, if ever, broadens his knowledge base by reading any reputable source material on resistance training or nutrition, and, aside from the occasional set of light dumbell curls, usually restricts his clients to machines so they won’t get “too big”.

Gymus gloveus underarmor-snugum

Usually seen at around 167lbs. and sporting a skin tight underarmor like shirt. Typically seen learing at any female in the vacinity while doing epelectic lat pull-downs.

[quote]carter12 wrote:
Dammit I thought this thread was gonna have links to beastiality!

Seriously, nice ones.[/quote]

I’m glad i’m not the only one who thought that!!! LOL

Gymus athleticus jumpus
Easy to mix up with Gymus squattus partialis, since Gymus athleticus jumpus is fond of partial squats, too. There is nevertheless a notable difference. Where Partialis is satisfied with partial squats, Athleticus jumpus accompany quarter-squats almost always with jump-squats, step-ups and step-ups with a jump on top. A powerful stomp is a charasteristic sound.