T Nation

The 51 Funniest Things About 9-11

The 51 Funniest Things about 9-11
The BEAST 5 Year Fun-A-Versary Tribute!
by Ian Murphy

  1. According to a Washington Post poll, 30% of Americans don’t know in which year 9-11 occurred. Zing!

  2. Knock, knock. Who’s there? 9-11. 9-11 who? You?re unpatriotic.

  3. Two planes walk into a building… Ha-cha-cha!

  4. Take my civil liberties, please.

  5. What is the deal with the Pentagon? Who are these people?

  6. The Patriot Act was written before 9-11. Is this thing on?

  7. The NSA first contacted US telephone carriers about data-mining well before 9-11. Can you hear me now?

  8. Why did the chicken cross the road? … to escape debris falling from the north tower.

  9. Freedom Walks: “Ah! Where’s it going?”

  10. Encouraged by the White House shortly after 9-11, the EPA released a report glossing over poor air quality in lower Manhattan, entitled “Coughing up is freedom.”

  11. The NORAD blooper reel:
    WATSON: What?
    DOOLEY: Whoa!
    WATSON: What was that?
    ROUNTREE: Is that real-world?
    DOOLEY: Real-world hijack.
    WATSON: Cool!

  12. We actually are infidels. Yes! You are correct, sir!

  13. You have since been beaten into fearful submission. Ba-dum-bum!

  14. Every time the phrase “post 9-11 world” is uttered, Rupert Murdoch involuntarily craps a solid-gold Jack Bauer action figure.

  15. The 28 redacted pages of The 9-11 Commission Report were likely used as kindling for a “wicked-awesome” bonfire at Bandar Bush’s semi-annual Saudi collusion beach party and wet T-shirt contest.

  16. Despite staying 7 long minutes in a Florida classroom reading to second graders after being told of the attack by Chief of Staff Andy Card, George W. Bush has yet to finish The Pet Goat, deciding instead to wait for the movie.

  17. That time Little Eichmann stirred your coffee with his junk: oh man, you should have seen the look on your Reichstag - classic!

  18. “I’ll take ‘Idiotic Ideas,’ for $500, Alex. Unveiled in 2002, this colorful farce helps to spread the fear, but also alerts terrorist to when the government will be dedicating more manpower to foil their plans. (beep-beep-beep) The Homeland Security Advisory System. I’m sorry you forgot to phrase your answer in the form of a question.”

  19. Osama bin Laden and Scotty Pippen have never been seen in the same room together: coincidence?

  20. The upcoming ABC miniseries “The Path to 9-11,” largely obfuscates blame of the Bush administration, instead focusing on the failures of accused JonBenet Ramsey killer John Mark Karr.

  21. In honor of the fifth year anniversary, Tom Bergeron will horrify viewers of “AFV” by adding sound effects and hackneyed falsetto commentary to a 9-11 montage: “Looks like somebody needs a few more flying lessons…BOING!” The 9-11 clip will lose to a rottweiler chewing its own genitals.

  22. Psychic Sylvia Brown really dropped the ball.

  23. Many Afghani children are haunted by the ghost of Pat Tillman’s grotesquely muscular neck.

  24. In the 5 years after 9-11, American workers have seen their wages decline to the lowest percentage of GDP since 1948. And you wondered why you couldn’t afford that “freedom isn’t free” bumper sticker.

  25. There are more terrorists now than before 9-11. Wait: let me start over there are more terrorists now… shit! There are more… goddamn it! This one isn’t funny.

  26. While US occupation forces are fond of blasting “Flight of the Valkyries” during missions, occupation-borne Iraqi death squads operate to the tune of “Yakety Sax,” although this has nothing to do with 9-11.

  27. Many conspiracy theorists, following the principle of qui bono, have taken to alleging the involvement of airline stock short-sellers, as well as Toby Keith and Clint Black.

  28. In a comic afterlife mix up, the “falling man” received a divine reward of 72 virgins, leaving United 175 hijacker Marwan Yousef al-Shehhi with only one dog-eared copy of Swank.

  29. Compared to the devastation of Hiroshima, 9-11 looks like a puddle of goldfish spit. Funny because it’s true.

  30. The United States is still the world’s leading exporter of terrorism. U-S-A! U-S-A! We’re #1! We’re #1!

  31. Yo momma’s so fat; she went to Dulles airport and got hijacked by Islamofacists with box cutters!

  32. Yo momma’s so inept at fighting terrorism; she got promoted by the FBI and the CIA!

  33. Yo momma’s so easy; she’ll go down for fewer logical reasons than WTC 7! “Oh no he d-in’t!”

  34. You ever notice the white 9-11 be all “um, pardon me, sir” and the black 9-11 be all “nigga, please!”

  35. Of the people who recorded the 2nd WTC impact, many wish they had said something profound like “oh the humanity,” rather than repeatedly shouting “fuck,” “shit,” “holy shit” and “holy fucking shit.”

  36. Able Danger: Top secret military intelligence program begun in 1999 to gather info on transnational terrorism,
    “specifically al Qaeda,” identified Mohamed Atta and 3 of the 19 hijackers prior to the attacks, contradicting the willfully uninformed findings of the 9/11 Commission. We would feel a little less suspicious about the program had it been called Disable Danger, perhaps. Heyo!

  37. No fly lists: protecting us from infants with names similar to known terrorists.

  38. Somewhere in America, a bowling league team has “Let’s Roll” embroidered in cursive across their breast pockets.

  39. What did Paul Wolfowitz get when he first heard of the attacks? An erection!

  40. Seriously folks, Dick Cheney’s underground bunker is so deep (Senate Subcommittee on Intelligence: “How deep is it?”), it is so deep the door is in China! That’s China, folks (crane neck, loosen tie, make uncomfortable nasal sound).

  41. If you still think Saddam Hussein had any involvement in the 9-11, you just might be a redneck.

  42. If you succumbed to Rovian tactics of fear-mongering and repeatedly voted against your own interests, you just might be a redneck.

  43. In the 12th dimension, which is predicted by string theory, 9-11 was merely a puppy tussling with an old pair of slippers, in the mind of a gnat riding a raft made of string beans into the center of the Milky Way.

  44. Since the invasion of Afghanistan toppled the Taliban, opium is so readily available that one could easily postulate that in the 12th dimension 9-11 was merely a puppy tussling with an old pair of slippers, in the mind of a gnat riding a raft made of string beans into the center of the Milky Way.

  45. Due to advanced hearing loss, an elderly couple in New Hampshire spent a good portion of that morning believing that the terrorists flew airplanes into Tyrone Power. (crickets…)

  46. Although some eyewitnesses claim to have smelled Cordite (a compound used for ammunition) at the attack on the pentagon, the source of the distinct odor has since been linked to Donald Rumsfeld’s aftershave.

  47. In response to the attacks, US military planners worked diligently on a scheme to nuke the moon because, as Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Douglas Feith put it, “Who gives a fuck about the moon anyway?”

  48. According to a Rasmussen poll, most Americans believe the “Downing Street Memo” is a dry, deadpan BBC comedy. “Care to discuss fixed intel over tea, Nigel? (pregnant pause) Yes, quiet (canned laughter).” But again, this has nothing to do with 9-11. Am I right folks, or am I right?

  49. You ever notice whenever you go to the grocery store; you always get the shopping cart that crashes in a field in Shanksville, PA?

  50. 911 is the only prime number which can be divided by fear. Wocka-wocka-wocka!

  51. Okay, seriously folks: you’ve been a great, docile and totally obedient audience; give yourselves a round of applause or the terrorists will get you! Good night!!

I found nothing funny about 9/11.

Are you retarded or something? Why do you continue to post all this bullshit about 9-11? Just trying to stir up some angry replies? Seriously…go lift some wieghts or something. This is pathetic.

  1. If you still think Saddam Hussein had any involvement in the 9-11, you just might be a redneck.

LOL my favorite.

Please grow up. If anything about September 11th amuses you then you have probably failed as a human being.

I only made it about halfway through this, but my opinion of your post, and of you, was justified.

You are a troll.

Finding 9/11 funny isnt the point.
Being able to joke about a tragedy helps heal the effects it caused.
A healthy sense of humor is an asset.

Anyway, i enjoyed some of the jokes. Dont think I have the balls to post them on a website, but hey, we are all grown ups.

I find NOTHING about 9/11 even remotly ammusing.


You are a troll.[/quote]








Mentally disturbed.

[quote]Avoids Roids wrote:
Mentally disturbed.[/quote]

Avoids: Please do not post on this thread, as the person who started it just gets off on creating havok. That’s what a troll is. Ignore it, and it will go away.

Maybe I didn’t post enough pictures?

Why can’t the mods stop this shit from being posted…?


Hmmmmmmmmm? Lot, how is your posting 8 times or 50% of the total replies on a thread ignoring it? It must be my Monday morning senility cloudy my cognitive abilties again. Therefore, I humbly apologize for thinking that someone who smears the memory of some of our friends may be mentally ill.

Do we have a #52?