I don’t think this has been posted before; I did a short search for it and didn’t find anything.
(972): so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
(214): so how much did i say i owed you?
(972): $5 and a new fuck buddy.
(508): dude, the building’s fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn’t move
(617): that’s ok, when I’m passed out drunk I’m impervious to flame
(949): who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
(1-734): what was she crying about?
(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
(403): found a dugout with weed in it in dad’s car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
(210): so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it…
(512): oh shit that had to have been awkward
(210): i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
(770): I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
(775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy’s little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy’s little sis digs anal.
(502): So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies… at the same time
(337): I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
(813): I’m fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She’s next.
(703): my mom walked in on my vaccuming…i wasnt vaccumming
(209): dude, you’re never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch 'em all
(925): i think i just met the girl of my dreams. someone made a serious statement about rape and she said “pish posh, i love surprise sex”
(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession
(703): I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
(702): Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
(1-702): Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
(626): What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
(1-626): You have mice?
(626): no why?
(314): Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
(573): I cant tell if your joking or not, but I’m picking her up
(314): Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
(509): went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i’m down.
(614): The way white people respond to them, you’d think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
(484): I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
(484): I’m in love
(773): Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying “Get a condom cuz I can’t afford an abortion right now” last night. He didn’t run. He’s a keeper
(612): hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you’re really good
(651): who is this?
(612): jesse’s little brother
(251): Call me “white mamba”
(334): Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
(251): It is white.