T Nation

Text Message Jokes


#1

We all get them - those witty(!?) short jokes by text that mates send us at random times during the day.

Post them up here.

To start off ...


Two men at airport. First man says "I cant find my wife"
Second says "I cant find mine either, what does yours look like?"

1st man says "She's 6' tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, stockings, high heels and a boob tube. What's yours look like?"

2nd man says "Fuck her - lets look for yours"


Husband finishes reading the book 'Be the man of your house' and says to wife "From now on my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptuous desert. Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want. You will bathe me as I relax, towel me dry then massage my feet and back. Then tomorrow, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?"

Wife says "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess"


What's the difference between a cow and a crisis? You'll never catch a scouser milking a cow.


A wife moans to her husband "A bull can have sex 365 days a year!"

Husband replies "Yes but it doesn't have to fuck the same cow every day"


Dad takes home some deer meat and cooks it but doesn't tell the kids what it is. As a clue he says "It's what mummy calls me sometimes"

Just before her brother takes a bite, his six year old daughter screams "Don't eat it - it's a fucking arsehole"


Sure you can all come up with more.


#2

I personally find these to be really fucking annoying. Kind of like text messages in general.


#3

It's great when someone's dislikes match their screen name.

I too miss getting these jokes by carrier pigeon.


#4

ROFL! I think analog needs to lighten up.


What do the factory workers give tickle-me-elmo's before they leave the factory?

A test-tickle


How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

HEY! WANNA GO RIDE BIKES!!??



#5

hahaha, you're the man.


#6

Burn you cell phones.....haven't had one in a year and 3 months....saved over a thousand dollars and don't have to worry about being available 24/7...it'll make you mysterious if you get rid of yours...trust me..I'm never wrong.


#7

IDK. I think their gr8, IMHO


#8

"Hi (Insert Name)it's me your mobile. There's no message, I just wanted you to take me out of your pocket because your cock stinks. Thanks mate."


#9

But you've never been near my cock - how did you know?


#10

hahaha


#11

I like test message jokes, I am sonetimes amazed at how fast they get out Like when Diana died while the nation mourned, some proper funny jokes were buzzing around on text before she was even buried, and text jokes are always the sickest's jokes heres one I received recently:

Winner of the Thompson Kids club Hide and seek competition 2007 - Maddy McCann


#12

I ditched mine as well over two years ago. Definitely was a good move.


#13

After recent outbursts on breakfast TV, a psychologist has denounced Heather McCartney as unbalanced. Sir Paul has phoned in a couple of times to say that a couple of beer mats under her left foot usually does the trick.


#14

the worst part abou raping a deaf kid is having to break their wrists afterwards so they can't tell anyone about it


#15

Here in Italy during the holidays (mostly xmas) there are text messages special promotions and all the kids start forwarding these jokes so much the lines get slow! it's crazy,but it's only for short periods


#16

Just got this from my brother ...

A man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful woman sat next to him was reading a book titled "Strange but true - sexual facts"

"Interesting?" he asks.

"Yes" she replies. "for instance did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and Scotsmen have the thickest? Oh - I'm sorry" she said, "my name is Helen - And yours?"

"Tonto McPherson babe"


#17

Did you hear about the skinny kid who went to Alaska, came back a husky fucker...