T Nation

Telling Other People How to Parent


#1

What is your line in the sand before you step in and comment on someone's parenting?

I assume we'd all stop blatant abuse, whether it be physical or mental torture, but is there anything short of that you'd comment on?

Let's assume this is face to face, and not e-warrior keyboard commando for the time being. Or even some sort of family intervention (if people to those for such things.)

If no one asked you for advise, at what point would you say something on your own?


#2

At work someone was telling me they were giving their kid Benadryl for sleep and I told him flat out prolonged use of anti-histamines is bad for the brain and he should try chamomile tea, especially if it is colic, for sleep for the baby. So I don’t know. I think it is one of those situations that happens in the moment. And I don’t have a kid (or plan on having one in the near future) so maybe Im wrong.

At the same time my ex-girlfriend has a kid now (not mine) and her kid was seriously neglected. I told her flat out someone should call CPS on her for the conditions the kid is raised with. I almost did myself.


#3

[quote]countingbeans wrote:
What is your line in the sand before you step in and comment on someone’s parenting?

I assume we’d all stop blatant abuse, whether it be physical or mental torture, but is there anything short of that you’d comment on?

Let’s assume this is face to face, and not e-warrior keyboard commando for the time being. Or even some sort of family intervention (if people to those for such things.)

If no one asked you for advise, at what point would you say something on your own?[/quote]

I have made my views on peaceful parenting vocal to ANYONE and everyone, including employees and even my supervisor/boss whenever anyone initiates a comment about their children/parenting.

However I always present this as a piece of relevant information backed by evidence and don’t escalate into chastisement unless they mention something directly abusive, cruel, etc…

This has had mixed results. Some people respond by backing off and getting quiet, even supervisors sometimes. Some people have developed deep conversations with me and show no hostility. some people are passive aggressive(subordinate employee with the worst parenting, single mother of 5 or 6 kids, divorced with boyfriend who has threatened their 2 year old in front of me before).

1 guy in particular(great guy, 3 exceptionally bright and well behaved kids that he has almost never used any kind of force to parent) has taken my advice to talk to his kids about whether they feel he keeps his promises,etc…

Some people have become closer to me and some people have retreated away, but I have no problem with that because you can’t help people if they don’t want to listen to evidence and get angry when confronted with questions about their parenting.


#4

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

Seriously. Mind your own fucking business.

Unless you have evidence of abuse or neglect (not suspicions, not “opinions” of what a parent “should” be doing - EVIDENCE OF LAW BEING BROKEN), keep your meddling nose out of someone ELSE’S personal business.

Even then, think long and hard before you fuck with someone’s kids/custody situation. You may very well bite off more than you can chew.

Unless you are specifically asked for help. By the parent or the child. Then you have been involved and INVITED into that situation. But unless you are INVITED, stay off their fucking lawn. Some people take that shit kinda personally, and I have NEVER met a situation where injecting “government” into it, made it any better in the long run for anybody.

If “the state” ever tried to take MY kids (for whatever fucking reason), I would hunt down those responsible and put them in the ground, then I’d work my way up the food chain. Don’t fuck with people’s kids. I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. Best to leave it alone and mind your own fucking business.


#5

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

Seriously. Mind your own fucking business.

Unless you have evidence of abuse or neglect (not suspicions, not “opinions” of what a parent “should” be doing - EVIDENCE OF LAW BEING BROKEN), keep your meddling nose out of someone ELSE’S personal business.

Even then, think long and hard before you fuck with someone’s kids/custody situation. You may very well bite off more than you can chew.

Unless you are specifically asked for help. By the parent or the child. Then you have been involved and INVITED into that situation. But unless you are INVITED, stay off their fucking lawn. Some people take that shit kinda personally, and I have NEVER met a situation where injecting “government” into it, made it any better in the long run for anybody.

If “the state” ever tried to take MY kids (for whatever fucking reason), I would hunt down those responsible and put them in the ground, then I’d work my way up the food chain. Don’t fuck with people’s kids. I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. Best to leave it alone and mind your own fucking business.[/quote]

I agree with the government side of your argument as CPS is almost ALWAYS a worse situation.
However, if you bring up anything related to parenting or make a joke about smacking your kid or something, I will call you out on it immediately regardless of the situation.
If you respond with yelling, name calling, etc… then I will immediately cut all ties with you and make sure anyone who asks why knows exactly why.

In other words deep committed ostracision instead of government involvement.


#6

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

However, if you bring up anything related to parenting or make a joke about smacking your kid or something, I will call you out on it immediately regardless of the situation.
[/quote]

You must be great at parties…

I’m going to bet, that whole sale (like 90%) of people agreeing with you in any of the comments you’re making on this thread are people without kids.

Like a boxer trying to listen to people who have never boxed talk about what so-an-so should have done, should do. Or a engine mechanic listening to a art major tell him how to rebuild a tranny…


#7

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

However, if you bring up anything related to parenting or make a joke about smacking your kid or something, I will call you out on it immediately regardless of the situation.
[/quote]

You must be great at parties…

I’m going to bet, that whole sale (like 90%) of people agreeing with you in any of the comments you’re making on this thread are people without kids.

Like a boxer trying to listen to people who have never boxed talk about what so-an-so should have done, should do. Or a engine mechanic listening to a art major tell him how to rebuild a tranny… [/quote]

FUCK PARTIES!
I work 60+ hours a week and if I can spend my free time improving the lives of kids I don’t need social approval.

Not having kids isn’t an argument, it’s a logical fallacy people throw at you when they can’t respond with a rational rebuttal.

It’s the same bullshit people throw at you when you tell them that male privileged is bullshit or that the root of black poverty and crime isn’t primarily racism.

They will say things like “you wouldn’t know because you’re not a woman”, or “you wouldn’t know because you’re not not black”. writing someone off because they aren’t a parent is the same stupid bullshit.

In fact, if you didn’t do research and really think about how you and your spouse would parent before becoming a parent, you should have never become one in the first place.

If there is EVER a time to be prepared with as much evidence and research as possible, it’s for being a parent(the most important thing you could ever do in your life).

Also for the record, it’s way more than 90%. the vast majority of parents NEVER think about their parenting styles, they just react to their kids in the moment and fall back to doing what their parents did with them.

Who gives a shit what people agree with. I certainly don’t give a shit unless they have evidence. This goes for work and science and especially for parenting.


#8

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

Also for the record, it’s way more than 90%. [/quote]

Yes, as most parents understand what being a parent is like, unlike someone without kids, so they reserve judgment.

Anyway, you’re fucking up the thread, so please stop. I had forgotten about your Nazism when it comes to pretending you know what being a parent is. Had I remembered I wouldn’t have started the thread.


#9

I am 100% in the camp of mind your own business. Most of us do the best we can. Best is almost never good enough but you learn and hope to respond better next time. I do believe that you need to be a parent to truly understand what it means to parent. It’s like any other situation. You can make hypothetical responses to a number of imagined situations but until you actually live that moment, you can never truly know how you will act.


#10

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

Seriously. Mind your own fucking business.

Unless you have evidence of abuse or neglect (not suspicions, not “opinions” of what a parent “should” be doing - EVIDENCE OF LAW BEING BROKEN), keep your meddling nose out of someone ELSE’S personal business.

Even then, think long and hard before you fuck with someone’s kids/custody situation. You may very well bite off more than you can chew.

Unless you are specifically asked for help. By the parent or the child. Then you have been involved and INVITED into that situation. But unless you are INVITED, stay off their fucking lawn. Some people take that shit kinda personally, and I have NEVER met a situation where injecting “government” into it, made it any better in the long run for anybody.

If “the state” ever tried to take MY kids (for whatever fucking reason), I would hunt down those responsible and put them in the ground, then I’d work my way up the food chain. Don’t fuck with people’s kids. I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. Best to leave it alone and mind your own fucking business.[/quote]

This, 99% of the time. I generally don’t give enough of a fuck about other people or their kids to interject my opinion.

Safe sleep practices is the 1%, and I would only say something about that to people I know and care about.


#11

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

Also for the record, it’s way more than 90%. [/quote]

Yes, as most parents understand what being a parent is like, unlike someone without kids, so they reserve judgment.

Anyway, you’re fucking up the thread, so please stop. I had forgotten about your Nazism when it comes to pretending you know what being a parent is. Had I remembered I wouldn’t have started the thread. [/quote]

No dude, you are the one fucking up this thread with your illogical bullshit. Only shitty parents reserve judgment just like any other people who behave immorally don’t point out the immoral behavior of other people.

People who are actually concerned with the well being of their kids and who their children will grow up playing with make an effort to help improve the parenting of the reasonable people willing to listen, even if they don’t agree.

Taking a moral stand on parenting with evidence to back it up and calling that “Nazism” is childish name-calling.

You’ve just lost ANY AND ALL semblance of credibility by attributing an argument you disagree with to “Nazism” and nobody should take you seriously.


#12

[quote]ouroboro_s wrote:
I am 100% in the camp of mind your own business. Most of us do the best we can. Best is almost never good enough but you learn and hope to respond better next time. I do believe that you need to be a parent to truly understand what it means to parent. It’s like any other situation. You can make hypothetical responses to a number of imagined situations but until you actually live that moment, you can never truly know how you will act.[/quote]

Actually no, most mothers hit their kids reactively, regret it and then continue to escalate. this is a matter of FACT based on research:
http://www.repeal43.org/research/

This is precisely because they don’t work out the deep seated emotional turmoil within them and WAIT until they “actually live that moment”. If you don’t know whether you’ll smack your kid or remain non-violent when you’re overloaded with stress, YOU HAVE NOT PREPARED and that is NOT THE SAME as “doing the best we can”.

If you fail a test because you didn’t prepare or you fail to perform CPR correctly because you didn’t prepare or you fail to prepare in ANY other situation in life and someone gets hurt, The blame is SQUARELY on you.

ONLY parents get a blanket pass at failing to prepare and hurting their kids and THAT is total immoral bullshit.

Edit: Forgot the link to research.


#13

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.


#14

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

[quote]ouroboro_s wrote:
I am 100% in the camp of mind your own business. Most of us do the best we can. Best is almost never good enough but you learn and hope to respond better next time. I do believe that you need to be a parent to truly understand what it means to parent. It’s like any other situation. You can make hypothetical responses to a number of imagined situations but until you actually live that moment, you can never truly know how you will act.[/quote]

Actually no, most mothers hit their kids reactively, regret it and then continue to escalate. this is a matter of FACT based on research:

This is precisely because they don’t work out the deep seated emotional turmoil within them and WAIT until they “actually live that moment”. If you don’t know whether you’ll smack your kid or remain non-violent when you’re overloaded with stress, YOU HAVE NOT PREPARED and that is NOT THE SAME as “doing the best we can”.

If you fail a test because you didn’t prepare or you fail to perform CPR correctly because you didn’t prepare or you fail to prepare in ANY other situation in life and someone gets hurt, The blame is SQUARELY on you.

ONLY parents get a blanket pass at failing to prepare and hurting their kids and THAT is total immoral bullshit.

[/quote]

Agree to disagree.


#15

[quote]ouroboro_s wrote:

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

[quote]ouroboro_s wrote:
I am 100% in the camp of mind your own business. Most of us do the best we can. Best is almost never good enough but you learn and hope to respond better next time. I do believe that you need to be a parent to truly understand what it means to parent. It’s like any other situation. You can make hypothetical responses to a number of imagined situations but until you actually live that moment, you can never truly know how you will act.[/quote]

Actually no, most mothers hit their kids reactively, regret it and then continue to escalate. this is a matter of FACT based on research:

This is precisely because they don’t work out the deep seated emotional turmoil within them and WAIT until they “actually live that moment”. If you don’t know whether you’ll smack your kid or remain non-violent when you’re overloaded with stress, YOU HAVE NOT PREPARED and that is NOT THE SAME as “doing the best we can”.

If you fail a test because you didn’t prepare or you fail to perform CPR correctly because you didn’t prepare or you fail to prepare in ANY other situation in life and someone gets hurt, The blame is SQUARELY on you.

ONLY parents get a blanket pass at failing to prepare and hurting their kids and THAT is total immoral bullshit.

[/quote]

Agree to disagree.
[/quote]

No the way this works in the real world is you have evidence and/or a rational counter-arguments or you’re wrong.

“agree to disagree” is what dishonest and immoral people use as a crutch when they have no relevant evidence.

Here’s another argument for you. You’re a bad person because you apologize for the lack of preparation of parents and subsequent violence against children.


#16

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

You’ve just lost ANY AND ALL semblance of credibility [/quote]

lol…

Anyway, back to sane conversation


#17

[quote]Steel Nation wrote:

Safe sleep practices is the 1%, [/quote]

Can you elaborate please?


#18

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.


#19

Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

Proverbs 13:24


#20

[quote]Steel Nation wrote:

Safe sleep practices is the 1%, and I would only say something about that to people I know and care about.[/quote]

Can you elaborate on this (if not too personal)? I’m guessing you’ve had an up close experience with this. It seems odd that you might mind your own business if you see a parent smack his kid upside his head but would speak up about something like sleeping with a baby or putting a kid to sleep with some kind of choking hazard.