Tales from the Club 1.0

[quote]JonEightPackGuy wrote:
Never been to a club, love all the unique interesting stories.[/quote]

As a giant fat nerd… x2.

Here one that happened on New Years. This girl lost everything she had. Her purse, and even her fu**ing shoes. She was sitting in the stairs crying and all her friends had left the bar. I mean what do you say to a person whos in this situation? She was in real bad shape. Where I work, it takes for ever to get these people out of the place as many spend big bucks and somehow that means they get to stay longer (of course I`m not being paid for this time…)

Anyway, my boss sees her and tells her "Listen, I know youve had a bad night, but you have to leave, now!" It was probably close to 4am (bar closes as 3) So she was given some plastic bags to put on her feet and some sort of towel for her to stand on while she waited outside for her mom to come pick her up. I live in Montreal and its cold outside, so she was there with no jacket, plastic bags on her feet standing there crying and waiting for her mom. Kinda funny, but pathetic as well.

But one thing about girls in clubs. They often take their shoes off and that serves her right for doing that. I truely have 0 sympathy for these people. They can be puking your brains out in an alley and I wont even look twice to see if theyre ok.

Bodyguard you live in NJ, you seen The Situation around at your club/s?

Seen anyone beat up the beat?

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:
Alright, we have several bouncers here on T-mag. Let’s do a “shaking my damn head” thread about what we witness in our respective clubs. I have dozens of them already and I’ve only been back at this for 6 months. I’ll start the ball rolling with a rather mild, amusing tale, which I shall title…

“Your pussy smells really bad”

A typical Saturday night 2 months or so ago. The would-be patrons are lining up outside in the cattle gates in eager anticipaton of the debauchery that is to follow. All dressed in their relative finery. Standing in the cold, girls dressed for summer when it’s winter, some without coats as usual, actually complaining that it’s cold…DUH. Line snaking down the block - which is good for business for when other prospective patrons pass by in their cars. Lines are good…and like most clubs, we hold ours to build it.

Well, the security staff usually stands outside until we actually open and go to our respective posts. So I’m standing near the front of the line, chatting with some regulars when a young lady maybe 3rd or so in line wanted to use the bathroom - she was fidgeting like a 5 year old does when he has to pee. Anyway, I’m normally accommodating - probably the most diplomatic of the staff I might add (which is NOT hard to be), but while requesting to use the bathroom, she said something wise ass so I told her, “now you can fucking stand there and pee yourself” and I turned my back on her (I’m somewhat bipolar in this regard - capable of exhibiting the diplomacy skills of a United Nations peacekeeper one moment, and equally adept at barbaric verbal and physical assault in the very next breath LOL).

Now, this young lady was fairly attractive with a nice body. Of course, some time later, she catches the attention of one of the other staff when I must have walked away. She probably batted an eye lash or two, used a flirtateous smile or, at least used a better delivery than she used with me, but the next thing I know, Amin (who has anger management issues but I love him) asks me to escort her inside so she can use the bathroom.

Not wanting to cock block my brother-in-arms, I begrudgingly escort this smart ass back to the bathroom. She hasn’t been yet searched for contraband and she has not yet paid to get in the club, so I stand outside the ladies room which has no door in the opening. The door is kept open for obvious reasons in a club of this type. I park myself discretely about 5 feet from the door to give the young lady adequate privacy.

And I’m standing there…waiting, having believed she needed to pee when I being to sense that it’s taking a bit long to just pee…aah women, typical. I peak around the corner to see if she’s bullshitting in the mirror when I still see feet in the stall so I back away again and wait…when moments later, my olfactory senses are assaulted by the unmistakable funk of unwashed pussy. I am at least 10 feet from her stall and I can smell her as if I am in the stall with her. If one ever needed proof that all that glitters is not gold, this was it.

So I’m standing there, waiting. And waiting. Surely she must be taking a dump and I’m babysitting her dump. Eww. Finally, she emerges. Me, being the smartass that I am and already having been annoyed with her from earlier, casually say, “what the fuck were you doing, taking a shit?”. LOL. To which she replies, “no, I’m on my period”. Fucking…Ewww.

Now, I’m a grown man. Been married. Cohabitated with women. Dated dozens. They all had periods. They all at one time or another had to use a bathroom in my vicinity. And never, ever, had I inhaled such an offensive female odor in all my experience with women. For the rest of the night, I lie not, whenever I had to make my way thru the crowd for whatever reason, if I passed by her, I could smell that odor - and SHE WAS WEARING JEANS! This was an attractive girl mind you. 8.5 out of 10 at least. Body, 10.

Fast forward. End of the night. Staff cleaning up. Owners in the back counting the nights take, settling up with promoters. DJ’s packing up. Bar maids cleaning up. The rest of us sitting around bullshitting about the night when one of the promoters confesses his crush on said girl. Well, you know I had to relate the story to him. The question is, armed with this information, could any self respecting man, ever “go in” knowing that her ass smelled like Oscar from Sesame Street?[/quote]

It`s not so bad. At least you got to smell some pu**y…

[quote]pushharder wrote:

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:

…I’m somewhat bipolar in this regard - capable of exhibiting the diplomacy skills of a United Nations peacekeeper one moment, and equally adept at barbaric verbal and physical assault in the very next breath LOL)…[/quote]

You gotta be kiddin’ me.[/quote]

I`m actually very similar, so I have no problem believing that.

early 1990’s i was a bouncer at a club in a university town frequented by the football players. now this is a SEC D-1 college town. they grow them boys big and fast. well, whatever, a defensive end, 6-6 255lbs(at least that is what the roster listed him as) did not want to pay cover and called me a short-fat-hairy asshole. hey, im not an asshole… wtf? so i am 5-6 about 270, and i hit him high on his shoulders and launch him about 10 feet and he lands on his ass.

i figure he will back down now, but he gets up to his feet, and assumes a fighting stance. as big as he looked before, he now looks much bigger. i figure to get close enough to grab him and have a chance, i am probably gonna have to eat a few shots, so i decide to dive in and take my medicine. turns out he is a southpaw, and he open hand slaps me on the right ear. that ear was ringing for 2 weeks after.

despite my 20lb weight advantage and a foot shorter, he manages to get low enough to get under me and drive me into the nearest wall. he pancakes one of those metal cylindrical ashtray/garbage cans between me and the wall. i have a huge bruise from my hip to my calf on my right side for a month, and bruise in the shape of his giant hands underneath each armpit and my chest.

he grabs my by my neck and pins me against the wall and proceeds to punch me in the head. i figure i am dead now, so i did the manly thing tried to poke him in the eyes. i missed my target and ended up putting my thumb all the way up to my knuckle in his nose. this got him off off of me and allowed me to get behind him and get a choke hold. i got him down and by this time i was in crazy retard strength mode and i was intent on killing him.

now the cops and the rest of my crew finally arrive…after i have been taking a severe ass-kicking for the vast majority of this conflict. they have to pull me off of him, they have a hard time getting me to let go…to the point the cops were going to mace me. the cops arrest him and thats that.

well, weeks later i found out that the charges on him were dropped, as you cant throw a starting football player in jail in that town.

oh well…

[quote]Gettnitdone wrote:
Bodyguard you live in NJ, you seen The Situation around at your club/s?

Seen anyone beat up the beat?[/quote]

The Situation, or anyone like him, has about as much chance of hanging and surviving in our club as a cat has of surviving an encounter with a pitbull. LOL The answer is no and the club is in Philly.

[quote]pushharder wrote:

[quote]ritch1 wrote:

[quote]pushharder wrote:

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:

…I’m somewhat bipolar in this regard - capable of exhibiting the diplomacy skills of a United Nations peacekeeper one moment, and equally adept at barbaric verbal and physical assault in the very next breath LOL)…[/quote]

You gotta be kiddin’ me.[/quote]

I`m actually very similar, so I have no problem believing that.[/quote]

You don’t understand.

My ol’ chum BG will though.[/quote]

I understand perfectly Push lol.

[quote]ritch1 wrote:
Here one that happened on New Years. This girl lost everything she had. Her purse, and even her fu**ing shoes. She was sitting in the stairs crying and all her friends had left the bar. I mean what do you say to a person whos in this situation? She was in real bad shape. Where I work, it takes for ever to get these people out of the place as many spend big bucks and somehow that means they get to stay longer (of course I`m not being paid for this time…)

Anyway, my boss sees her and tells her "Listen, I know youve had a bad night, but you have to leave, now!" It was probably close to 4am (bar closes as 3) So she was given some plastic bags to put on her feet and some sort of towel for her to stand on while she waited outside for her mom to come pick her up. I live in Montreal and its cold outside, so she was there with no jacket, plastic bags on her feet standing there crying and waiting for her mom. Kinda funny, but pathetic as well.

But one thing about girls in clubs. They often take their shoes off and that serves her right for doing that. I truely have 0 sympathy for these people. They can be puking your brains out in an alley and I wont even look twice to see if theyre ok. [/quote]

I’m a softy. We had 3 girls stranded this past winter when one locked the keys in her late model car. Breaking the window was out and noone had a slim jim. She had AAA though. They won’t be there for at least an hour. It’s North Philly and they are from the Burbs. It’s winter. It’s 3 am and there are no businesses nearby that are open. The rest of the staff drove off like they were giving something away free nearby. So yea, that’s me with 3 chicks in my car, waiting for AAA, delaying my departure to my bed by at least an hour because I’m too stupid to drive away like the rest. And no, before you ask,I was not trying to get laid.

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:
It’s North Philly and they are from the Burbs.
[/quote]

WTF were they doing there? Honestly, I worked in N. Philly for a couple years (broad daylight hours) in college and I can say with confidence I hope I never go back. Different breed of people there, and not in a good way.

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:
It’s North Philly and they are from the Burbs.
[/quote]

WTF were they doing there? Honestly, I worked in N. Philly for a couple years (broad daylight hours) in college and I can say with confidence I hope I never go back. Different breed of people there, and not in a good way.[/quote]

They were hanging at the club of course!

Seriously, it never gets old. They come from out of town, with the club as the goal, and forget or don’t really know where they are at. Two weekends ago, a group from DE come up and had the bright idea to park on a side street a block away and get this: leave all their valuables, including a diamond engagement ring, IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR. Well, I don’t have to tell you what happened. End of night, window broken, contents of trunk AND ring, gone. You just know someone was watching these 3 innocents carefully placing all their valuables in the trunk before walking off to the club for the next 3 hours.

All their money was gone and I heard one say they don’t even have toll money. Well, being the softy that I am, I offered toll money to which one of them replied, “fuck that, I lost bla bla bla bla” to which I responded by telling my guys, “fuck them, let’s get out of here”. I know they were upset, but don’t cut off a hand extended in aid.

“The Cats Came Back”

Been a long time since I worked in a bar, but I’ll never forget one night I went in to do a bathroom check (to make sure nobody had passed out, died, etc.) I go in and hear two people going at it in the only stall. Ok, whatever, boss says none of that in the bar so I pound on the door and tell them to either go and rent a room in the hotel or go fuck in the alley like everyone else. Well, I pounded a little hard and the door swings open and I see one of our regulars blowing the other one. Yep, both guys. I tell them to zip up and get the fuck out and they close the door and tell me to fuck off they’ll be done in a minute.

So, I go out to the bar and fill a pail with ice and water and head back into the shitter to cool things off. The young lovers get 5 gallons of ice and water over their heads and get told the fuck out for the rest of the night. They come out of the stall, soaking wet, and walk back to their table, sit down and try to order another round. Obviously the message was not getting through, so they got a little assistance out the door. Two hours later their back, in dry clothes trying to get back in. Out they go again.

Next morning as soon as I unlocked the doors and opened up who do you think were the first two through the door…

[quote]blackhand wrote:
“The Cats Came Back”

Been a long time since I worked in a bar, but I’ll never forget one night I went in to do a bathroom check (to make sure nobody had passed out, died, etc.) I go in and hear two people going at it in the only stall. Ok, whatever, boss says none of that in the bar so I pound on the door and tell them to either go and rent a room in the hotel or go fuck in the alley like everyone else. Well, I pounded a little hard and the door swings open and I see one of our regulars blowing the other one. Yep, both guys. I tell them to zip up and get the fuck out and they close the door and tell me to fuck off they’ll be done in a minute.

So, I go out to the bar and fill a pail with ice and water and head back into the shitter to cool things off. The young lovers get 5 gallons of ice and water over their heads and get told the fuck out for the rest of the night. They come out of the stall, soaking wet, and walk back to their table, sit down and try to order another round. Obviously the message was not getting through, so they got a little assistance out the door. Two hours later their back, in dry clothes trying to get back in. Out they go again.

Next morning as soon as I unlocked the doors and opened up who do you think were the first two through the door…[/quote]

Ewww dude. Rubber gloves. LOL

We get a rave crowd once a month which is really “easy” work (no fights), but they are like 12 year olds and unbelievably annoying. They are all fucking happy, drinking PBR after PBR and all X’d out. Never any real fights :frowning: But what I hate the most, is that they like to TOUCH you. They have been partying all night, bopping around like 8 year olds in need of an IV Ritalin drip and they end up funky and sweaty and their breath stinks. They insist on TALKING to you.

Me? I took a shower before I came there. I have not been sweating. I am clean. And you want to fucking TOUCH me? They want to HUG you. They want to thank you for watching out for them. Dudes want to shake your hand and get all hurt looking when you offer the fist bump. Chicks that are drenched in sweat insist on hugging, talking in your ear, and touching you. EWW. DO. NOT. FUCKING. TOUCH. ME. They ask if you are “having a good time”. No jerkoff, I am not having a good time. I am not part of your tribe.

This is not where I’d be unless I’m getting paid. I am standing here babysitting you so you don’t run with scissors or something else equally stupid. They actually try to SMOKE in the club and then HIDE the cigarette when you track the source of the smoke. I rather you fucking HIT me than act like I’m fucking stupid.

I have never seen a crowd consume as much PBR and smoke (outside) as much in my life.

[quote]ritch1 wrote:

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:
Alright, we have several bouncers here on T-mag. Let’s do a “shaking my damn head” thread about what we witness in our respective clubs. I have dozens of them already and I’ve only been back at this for 6 months. I’ll start the ball rolling with a rather mild, amusing tale, which I shall title…

“Your pussy smells really bad”

A typical Saturday night 2 months or so ago. The would-be patrons are lining up outside in the cattle gates in eager anticipaton of the debauchery that is to follow. All dressed in their relative finery. Standing in the cold, girls dressed for summer when it’s winter, some without coats as usual, actually complaining that it’s cold…DUH. Line snaking down the block - which is good for business for when other prospective patrons pass by in their cars. Lines are good…and like most clubs, we hold ours to build it.

Well, the security staff usually stands outside until we actually open and go to our respective posts. So I’m standing near the front of the line, chatting with some regulars when a young lady maybe 3rd or so in line wanted to use the bathroom - she was fidgeting like a 5 year old does when he has to pee. Anyway, I’m normally accommodating - probably the most diplomatic of the staff I might add (which is NOT hard to be), but while requesting to use the bathroom, she said something wise ass so I told her, “now you can fucking stand there and pee yourself” and I turned my back on her (I’m somewhat bipolar in this regard - capable of exhibiting the diplomacy skills of a United Nations peacekeeper one moment, and equally adept at barbaric verbal and physical assault in the very next breath LOL).

Now, this young lady was fairly attractive with a nice body. Of course, some time later, she catches the attention of one of the other staff when I must have walked away. She probably batted an eye lash or two, used a flirtateous smile or, at least used a better delivery than she used with me, but the next thing I know, Amin (who has anger management issues but I love him) asks me to escort her inside so she can use the bathroom.

Not wanting to cock block my brother-in-arms, I begrudgingly escort this smart ass back to the bathroom. She hasn’t been yet searched for contraband and she has not yet paid to get in the club, so I stand outside the ladies room which has no door in the opening. The door is kept open for obvious reasons in a club of this type. I park myself discretely about 5 feet from the door to give the young lady adequate privacy.

And I’m standing there…waiting, having believed she needed to pee when I being to sense that it’s taking a bit long to just pee…aah women, typical. I peak around the corner to see if she’s bullshitting in the mirror when I still see feet in the stall so I back away again and wait…when moments later, my olfactory senses are assaulted by the unmistakable funk of unwashed pussy. I am at least 10 feet from her stall and I can smell her as if I am in the stall with her. If one ever needed proof that all that glitters is not gold, this was it.

So I’m standing there, waiting. And waiting. Surely she must be taking a dump and I’m babysitting her dump. Eww. Finally, she emerges. Me, being the smartass that I am and already having been annoyed with her from earlier, casually say, “what the fuck were you doing, taking a shit?”. LOL. To which she replies, “no, I’m on my period”. Fucking…Ewww.

Now, I’m a grown man. Been married. Cohabitated with women. Dated dozens. They all had periods. They all at one time or another had to use a bathroom in my vicinity. And never, ever, had I inhaled such an offensive female odor in all my experience with women. For the rest of the night, I lie not, whenever I had to make my way thru the crowd for whatever reason, if I passed by her, I could smell that odor - and SHE WAS WEARING JEANS! This was an attractive girl mind you. 8.5 out of 10 at least. Body, 10.

Fast forward. End of the night. Staff cleaning up. Owners in the back counting the nights take, settling up with promoters. DJ’s packing up. Bar maids cleaning up. The rest of us sitting around bullshitting about the night when one of the promoters confesses his crush on said girl. Well, you know I had to relate the story to him. The question is, armed with this information, could any self respecting man, ever “go in” knowing that her ass smelled like Oscar from Sesame Street?[/quote]

It`s not so bad. At least you got to smell some pu**y…[/quote]

You must’ve not smelled seriously rank pussy before, bud.

What I don’t understand is how girls don’t smell that and not take care of it. Especially, if you can smell it when they still have their pants on.

That’s a problem.

[quote]imhungry wrote:
You must’ve not smelled seriously rank pussy before, bud.

What I don’t understand is how girls don’t smell that and not take care of it. Especially, if you can smell it when they still have their pants on.

That’s a problem.
[/quote]

I think the best part is me mentioning it. “I’m on my period” LOL. So now she knows that I know, that she knows that I know, that her pussy stink.

[quote]imhungry wrote:

You must’ve not smelled seriously rank pussy before, bud.

What I don’t understand is how girls don’t smell that and not take care of it. Especially, if you can smell it when they still have their pants on.

That’s a problem.
[/quote]

Lol, I’m pretty sure you missed ritch’s sarcasm.

But I can see how that’s possible, most people with BO never realize it.

“I’ve been to clubs all over the world man and never been treated like this” (apply English accent)

Rave night. The cumstomary cross section of eclectic goof balls - 18 to 40 something, straight, gay, weird, hot, “club kids”, freaks and some normal people in the minority. Racially diverse, but mostly white. I’m roaming when I hear a commotion in the bathroom. One of our security staff has caught red handed, some Indian kid urinating in the bathroom. This is customary in most civilized countries, to urinate in the bathroom, except Hadji here has other customs that are apparently repugnant to our staff.

You see, Hadji has decided to urinate ON THE FLOOR, like a fucking 7 year old. Well, needless to say, “not in our house”. Now understand, our standing orders from ownership is to be very easy and diplomatic on this crowd as they are the kind that will (1) file charges and (2) take their business and never come back. However, this transgression so insults our collective sensibilities that Hadji is promptly swept from his feet (and not in a lover’s sort of way) and pushed back into the kitchen area where we “interrogate” him for the next 10 minutes.

The owner is beyond pissed. He tells Hadji that he is going to go in the bathroom and clean that piss up. And, that Hadji is not going to do it with HIS mop. Hadji is instructed to remove his shirt and mop it up with his own shirt. The rest of us stand there, stifling laughter. Hadji is incredulous. He thinks it’s a joke. The owner raises his mighty hand and holds is there, suspended above Hadji’s delicate head and he tells Hadji, “remove your shirt or I’m going to slap the shit out of you”.

Hadji sputters (english accent - imagine it please because it makes it so fucking poetic), “what gives man, I’ve been to club’s all over the world and never been treated like this”…to which, with my usual precise comedic timing retort, “have you been pissing on the floors of clubs all over the world too? you’re not in London chap, you’re in N. Philly, now take off your fucking shirt and go clean that shit up - he’s not kidding”.

Hadji is still balking…the boss is mumbling “I got something for your ass” and he walks away…to where and for what none of us know. He returns with a tazer and now the joint is “jumping”. The taser is angry and spits and snaps with each warning push of its on button. And he approaches the young club hopping prince from London. Snapping. Spitting. And next think you know, we’re watching Hadji on a “hot tin roof” - broadway entertainment at its finest. Or at least, off broad st., north philly entertainment at its finest. Snap. Pop. Snap. Pop.

And Hadji is a hoppin. Hadji is a poppin. Hadji is runnin circles around the kitchen, dancinand pop lockin like Michael Jackson - it’s as if Hadji has forgotten the art of walking hot coals. I’ll give it to Hadji though. He would not remove his shirt (probably embarassed). The boss’s son, thinking better of continuing this tact, instructs us to get our Indian pissing prince outta there…and we escort him to the side door, into the night air, and push his pissy ass out onto the sidewalk and send him on his way.

Bunch of pussies in NJ and Penn. lol