T Nation

Tales from the Club 1.0


Alright, we have several bouncers here on T-mag. Let's do a "shaking my damn head" thread about what we witness in our respective clubs. I have dozens of them already and I've only been back at this for 6 months. I'll start the ball rolling with a rather mild, amusing tale, which I shall title....

"Your pussy smells really bad"

A typical Saturday night 2 months or so ago. The would-be patrons are lining up outside in the cattle gates in eager anticipaton of the debauchery that is to follow. All dressed in their relative finery. Standing in the cold, girls dressed for summer when it's winter, some without coats as usual, actually complaining that it's cold...DUH. Line snaking down the block - which is good for business for when other prospective patrons pass by in their cars. Lines are good...and like most clubs, we hold ours to build it.

Well, the security staff usually stands outside until we actually open and go to our respective posts. So I'm standing near the front of the line, chatting with some regulars when a young lady maybe 3rd or so in line wanted to use the bathroom - she was fidgeting like a 5 year old does when he has to pee. Anyway, I'm normally accommodating - probably the most diplomatic of the staff I might add (which is NOT hard to be), but while requesting to use the bathroom, she said something wise ass so I told her, "now you can fucking stand there and pee yourself" and I turned my back on her (I'm somewhat bipolar in this regard - capable of exhibiting the diplomacy skills of a United Nations peacekeeper one moment, and equally adept at barbaric verbal and physical assault in the very next breath LOL).

Now, this young lady was fairly attractive with a nice body. Of course, some time later, she catches the attention of one of the other staff when I must have walked away. She probably batted an eye lash or two, used a flirtateous smile or, at least used a better delivery than she used with me, but the next thing I know, Amin (who has anger management issues but I love him) asks me to escort her inside so she can use the bathroom.

Not wanting to cock block my brother-in-arms, I begrudgingly escort this smart ass back to the bathroom. She hasn't been yet searched for contraband and she has not yet paid to get in the club, so I stand outside the ladies room which has no door in the opening. The door is kept open for obvious reasons in a club of this type. I park myself discretely about 5 feet from the door to give the young lady adequate privacy.

And I'm standing there...waiting, having believed she needed to pee when I being to sense that it's taking a bit long to just pee...aah women, typical. I peak around the corner to see if she's bullshitting in the mirror when I still see feet in the stall so I back away again and wait...when moments later, my olfactory senses are assaulted by the unmistakable funk of unwashed pussy. I am at least 10 feet from her stall and I can smell her as if I am in the stall with her. If one ever needed proof that all that glitters is not gold, this was it.

So I'm standing there, waiting. And waiting. Surely she must be taking a dump and I'm babysitting her dump. Eww. Finally, she emerges. Me, being the smartass that I am and already having been annoyed with her from earlier, casually say, "what the fuck were you doing, taking a shit?". LOL. To which she replies, "no, I'm on my period". Fucking...Ewww.

Now, I'm a grown man. Been married. Cohabitated with women. Dated dozens. They all had periods. They all at one time or another had to use a bathroom in my vicinity. And never, ever, had I inhaled such an offensive female odor in all my experience with women. For the rest of the night, I lie not, whenever I had to make my way thru the crowd for whatever reason, if I passed by her, I could smell that odor - and SHE WAS WEARING JEANS! This was an attractive girl mind you. 8.5 out of 10 at least. Body, 10.

Fast forward. End of the night. Staff cleaning up. Owners in the back counting the nights take, settling up with promoters. DJ's packing up. Bar maids cleaning up. The rest of us sitting around bullshitting about the night when one of the promoters confesses his crush on said girl. Well, you know I had to relate the story to him. The question is, armed with this information, could any self respecting man, ever "go in" knowing that her ass smelled like Oscar from Sesame Street?


man, there's a funky ass chick in my spot too, she's FINE! I remember I got a grind going on with her that had me about to puke all the Incredible Hulk I'd had on her back. There was a combination of smells I'd never faced in my life, for real. Weird shit is, she had perfect face paint and fresh looking french braids. So, obviously she spent hours getting ready for the night...no shower though.

I got a huge whiff when she started to "drop it". The sad part is, I was still trying to hit it...tl I realized my boys would never let me forget hitting the salmon and probably wouldve given me a fish related name. lol

This thread should be hilarious. We see and hear shit that NOBODY comprehends when we tell it.


Disgusting. Any girl that smells that bad has something way more serious than just a dirty pussy. She needs a doctor, not a shower.


Really? Never would have guessed. (Imagine an overwhelming amount of sarcasm in my voice)


I've played in some hellholes and bucket-o-blood dive bars. I have the utmost respect for all the bouncers that have fended off thrown beer bottles from hitting the band, pulled sloppy drunks off the stage, disarmed angry gangsters and broke up all the barfights. Thanks, you're wonderful.


This girl might be the perfect opportunity for a guy too get a girl way hotter than they could normally expect too. Kind of like a guy being able to get an eight because she has a couple of kids when he would normally have to settle for a four. I wonder how much upward social mobility a stinky pussy will allow to the odiforously indifferent chump?


Lol, yeah that smell would definitely turn me off of that chick.

I was bouncing one night in a local bar (not a club) in the Fox Chase area of Philly. At the end of the night this chick kept trying to buy more beer after hours so my buddy and I kept trying to shuffle her out the door. Finally she explodes on us, literally trying to tear our life apart. "Fox Chase sucks, you guys will never amount to anything (obviously not realizing we have other careers, lol), you're both losers and ugly, blah blah blah." For 5 straight minutes she's ripping our lives apart. Being immune to personal insults we just kept telling her to STFU and get out. Finally, we shuffle her out the door and this drunk bitch doesn't realize she has to step down outside of the door and falls face first into the pavement! It was beautiful. My buddy and I start laughing, lean out the door and yell "Fox Chase rules!" before closing the door and cracking up for another half hour.

When we left for the night she was still on the bench outside crying. Sweet, sweet justice.


I'll title this one....

"My lawyer knows the owner"...

End of the night, lights on, we are directing people to the front and rear doors. As much as any other part of the night, this is when it can get violent; the night is over and there is no loss getting "kicked out" b/c the party is over. As I'm wandering around, telling the assorted hooligans and hoes to get the fuck out (but nicely), I notice a big dude with arguing with a little dude with long braids wearing the tell tale signs of a blood. He's decked out in his red cap, red plaid shirt, red doo rag in his pocket, red laces in his sneakers.

Bigger kid is / was obviously a jock going about 230, maybe more, little guy, no more than 170 dripping wet if that but standing his ground daring the other guy to jump it off with a sincerely amused look on his face. I immediately intercede and step between the two. The blood is obviously a regular as he has immediately acknowledge the staff's propensity for instant violence to anyone that would disturb the relative peace of the club.

The other bigger kid is a little slower to back up so I immediately direct my attention to him and get in his face. He puts his hands up and puts them on my vest to get some space from me - not quite a shove, but he put his hands on me - first mistake. I grab him under his armpits and quickly move his dumb ass a good 15 feet and end it with a little shove and tell him to get his ass out the door. He backs down. Or so I thought. I turn to tell other people time to leave and all of sudden there is a commotion heading to the door behind me.

Dumbass somehow pissed off the staff and now there is a struggle with him and 2 staff. I'm already pissed at him, but like I've said, I spend alot of time making sure the staff doesn't go overboard so I immediately get in the fracas so I can take the kid down (which is the safest place for his dumbass to be). I take him down outside and I still have 2 staff attached to him and they are about to commence beating his ass. I tell them to back off as there is usually a cop on the corner. I have him pinned and he's pleading his case. "My lawyer knows the owner, my lawyer knows the owner". I assure him that his very health depends on him getting up when I let him and that he best walk to his car expeditiously. He assures me he's "cool". As I try to help him up, he's not moving.

Mind you, he's still talking the "my lawyer knows the owner, he's going to hear about this". Well, puzzled by why he can't rise, I finally realize the OWNER has his foot firmly planted on this kid's leg. The owner is a good 6.5 and 300 lbs., not fat. Now he's combining his "my lawyer knows the owner" with, "he's standing on my leg", to which, with perfect delivery and comedic timing tell him, "that's the OWNER on your leg motherfucker". LOL. Owner gives him a speech about coming in his club and showing his ass, we get him on his feet and send him on his way, into the night - luckily for him, the kid with the braids and his friends would not disrespect the club and was well on his way instead of waiting for him.


If you go back to the beginning this blog has some good stories


I'm sure NY/NJ guidos are tame compared to North Philadelphians.


I bounce at a very popular club on the strip in Vegas, but people here are all out trying to have a good time and get laid. Not enough violence to make my job any fun =(

Most of my time is spent dragging drunks out and telling people to take off their baseball caps.
The most interesting thing that happened to me this weekend: I had to tell the same guy to take off his hat TWICE.


I haven't bounced in a club/bar since 02 but I have done some security work for concerts. Police at Fenway, Monster Jam and the like

I was at G Love and Special Sauce(didn't even know they still performed), and I watched this guy just start a fast walk toward the stage, and my senses went up so I followed. I watched as he got by a fat ass waste(more on him later) and as he is trying to get over the gate I closeline him and he fell....hard.... and I thought "aw shit I killed him". You could here the clunk of his head on the pavement and even the people around me went ohhhhh. Well I look down at him and start smacking him across the face going "don't you die you sonofabitch" he wakes up but no one was home. I grab fat ass and say "let's get him out of here" I tell him to grab the guys other arm I have one and we or at least I think we have him dumbass let's him go and I lose balance and he falls again face first this time, now I know I've killed him I pick him up and again and see the lights are out the birds are tweating. I go are you all right? and he mumbbles something like "i jus wan my fone" or something to that end I go whatever and before I can get him to first aid a bunch you know because I've pretty much killed him I get a crowd of drunk "do gooders" who start shouting leave him alone and the like I look over to fat ass thinking at least I've either a have a little back up or b like a zombie movie I can leave his ass so I can escape and get help, no go fatty has gone back to the stage. As the crowd desended on me I threw punchy at them and ran to get some real help.

I also have stories of under age girls getting so totally drunk one I had to hold her by her belt as she vomits what looked like a weeks worth of food and whatever from her stomach, I got her id and her cell and called "home" to get a parent to pick her up and I hear "not my daughter". Nooooooo your little darling was an angel someone stole her phone purse id and did identity theft all during the concert.

Another time I was at the harbor and I was away from the crowd talking to my mom(she was in the hospital very sick) and as I'm talking I get this kid that looked like the one from high school musical ask to get backstage. I say "i'm on the phone with my mom give me a second" to which he screams "FUCK your mother" I smile, say "ma I'll call you back I love you too yes I'll be careful" hang up the phone and grab the mother fucker by the throat and let him know I was going to throw him into the harbor(it was a concert at harbor point in Ma by the aquarium). You can insult me all day long as soon as you insult or disrespect my mother you die period. So as I'm walking him to the edge his buddy starts sating "we got money please" practically in tears the scuffle brought over my boss who asked what was up? I reply "I'm going to throw this asshole into the harbor" he shrugs and says "ok" beautiful. So finally my cooler head prevailed and I asked "how much money ya got?" they had $50 each I took it split it with my boss and kicked them out. As we got them outside they claimed they would tell the details we stole their money. I said go ahead who they going to believe you looking like docuhebags or me who helps the cops? I know that was a dick move but come on they disrespected momma.


I followed his blog for a while but it died. He had some hilarious stories about guidos. Shit was truly funny. Unfortunately, I don't get to have guido fun.


This one is called...

"Violence is deadly business"...

Few months back, we have a borderline melee. 12 or more guys fighting...hard. As soon as I can grab one combatant and toss him to the sidewalk, I'm running in to grab another. After my third trip, I'm actually out of breath...need to do some more conditioning work lol. I run back in, try to grab another, and I'm winded enough that I couldn't hold him and he's back in the fray. Lights come on, and we get it under control and get everyone outside.

Truly, "everybody was kung fu fighting" hah, "them cats was fast as lightening"...hooh, "and don't ya know it was a little bit frightening" hah. Brawling in the club, combatants getting worked outside the club from security...it was a mess - the kind of mess that makes $25/hour no longer fair pay LOL. Anyway, the combatants were quick to leave b/c they apparently desired to continue this "discussion"...later that morning, in Camden NJ, one of the combatants is shot dead. Game over.

In an odd twist of 7 degrees of separation, the murdered kid fathered a child with an in law of my son's mother's cousin. A week or so after the incident, I stopped by an affair to pick up my son, made chit chat and soon was talking about the melee and the subsequent shooting within earshot of the bereaved ex girlfriend (with whom the dearly departed fathered a child/small baby that she was actually holding) when I met with those "shhh don't talk about it looks". The relation was later explained to me.


LOL she at least needed a prescription.


I don´t remember many funny stories about the job.

However there are of course a lot of extreme things you witness and sometimes take part in.

One night there was a quite drunk guy and me and my colleague discussed whether he should stay out. We allowed him and a couple of minutes later were called by the staff. I saw him taking a piss in the stairhouse of the club.

I worked at a techno event with many fights, most of them on the parking lot. Since I did the entrance, I was not having much trouble though.
A co worker later told me that someone came to him with a large piece of glass in the eye socket and the rest of what was supposed to be in there was hanging out.

I threw someone out who then alternatingly claimed to fuck everyone up and to have done nothing wrong and being a nice and friendly fella.

Last Saturday I was at a strip club and a couple of airforce soldiers came in wearing shorts. The only persons in a strip club allowed to wear that are strippers, so they had to go.
The funny thing is they were surprised about this.

Sunday I worked at a basketball game, guarding the block in which a few prominent politicians were sitting.
Since I try to be a good man, I allowed 2 persons in a wheelchair to watch the game from the aisle next to the block.
Then one of them started an argument claiming I was blocking his view.
I told him that I have a job to do there and that fucking idiot wouldn t listen. He even insulted me.
Then I shouted at him. A couple of people saw it and thought I was an arrogant ass for talking that way to a disabled person.
I ignored him and he just went on talking.
I still don t know what to think about this. I usually try to be kind to disabled people and don t know how to react to such behaviour from a guy in a chair.
I was already more than nice to even let him park there but that wasn t enough for that ungratefull sob.
Any other guy I would have grabbed by the collar and thrown out.


Never been to a club, love all the unique interesting stories.


i'm worried that one of these days i'm gonna be one of these stories. i'm a nice enough guy, I just don't know when to shut up.


Now would be great.


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