Alright, we have several bouncers here on T-mag. Let’s do a “shaking my damn head” thread about what we witness in our respective clubs. I have dozens of them already and I’ve only been back at this for 6 months. I’ll start the ball rolling with a rather mild, amusing tale, which I shall title…
“Your pussy smells really bad”
A typical Saturday night 2 months or so ago. The would-be patrons are lining up outside in the cattle gates in eager anticipaton of the debauchery that is to follow. All dressed in their relative finery. Standing in the cold, girls dressed for summer when it’s winter, some without coats as usual, actually complaining that it’s cold…DUH. Line snaking down the block - which is good for business for when other prospective patrons pass by in their cars. Lines are good…and like most clubs, we hold ours to build it.
Well, the security staff usually stands outside until we actually open and go to our respective posts. So I’m standing near the front of the line, chatting with some regulars when a young lady maybe 3rd or so in line wanted to use the bathroom - she was fidgeting like a 5 year old does when he has to pee. Anyway, I’m normally accommodating - probably the most diplomatic of the staff I might add (which is NOT hard to be), but while requesting to use the bathroom, she said something wise ass so I told her, “now you can fucking stand there and pee yourself” and I turned my back on her (I’m somewhat bipolar in this regard - capable of exhibiting the diplomacy skills of a United Nations peacekeeper one moment, and equally adept at barbaric verbal and physical assault in the very next breath LOL).
Now, this young lady was fairly attractive with a nice body. Of course, some time later, she catches the attention of one of the other staff when I must have walked away. She probably batted an eye lash or two, used a flirtateous smile or, at least used a better delivery than she used with me, but the next thing I know, Amin (who has anger management issues but I love him) asks me to escort her inside so she can use the bathroom.
Not wanting to cock block my brother-in-arms, I begrudgingly escort this smart ass back to the bathroom. She hasn’t been yet searched for contraband and she has not yet paid to get in the club, so I stand outside the ladies room which has no door in the opening. The door is kept open for obvious reasons in a club of this type. I park myself discretely about 5 feet from the door to give the young lady adequate privacy.
And I’m standing there…waiting, having believed she needed to pee when I being to sense that it’s taking a bit long to just pee…aah women, typical. I peak around the corner to see if she’s bullshitting in the mirror when I still see feet in the stall so I back away again and wait…when moments later, my olfactory senses are assaulted by the unmistakable funk of unwashed pussy. I am at least 10 feet from her stall and I can smell her as if I am in the stall with her. If one ever needed proof that all that glitters is not gold, this was it.
So I’m standing there, waiting. And waiting. Surely she must be taking a dump and I’m babysitting her dump. Eww. Finally, she emerges. Me, being the smartass that I am and already having been annoyed with her from earlier, casually say, “what the fuck were you doing, taking a shit?”. LOL. To which she replies, “no, I’m on my period”. Fucking…Ewww.
Now, I’m a grown man. Been married. Cohabitated with women. Dated dozens. They all had periods. They all at one time or another had to use a bathroom in my vicinity. And never, ever, had I inhaled such an offensive female odor in all my experience with women. For the rest of the night, I lie not, whenever I had to make my way thru the crowd for whatever reason, if I passed by her, I could smell that odor - and SHE WAS WEARING JEANS! This was an attractive girl mind you. 8.5 out of 10 at least. Body, 10.
Fast forward. End of the night. Staff cleaning up. Owners in the back counting the nights take, settling up with promoters. DJ’s packing up. Bar maids cleaning up. The rest of us sitting around bullshitting about the night when one of the promoters confesses his crush on said girl. Well, you know I had to relate the story to him. The question is, armed with this information, could any self respecting man, ever “go in” knowing that her ass smelled like Oscar from Sesame Street?