T Nation

T-Nation Reader's Digest Versions

EDITS:

  1. Explanatory paragraph deleted. Yeah buddy!
  2. Thread title edited.

Random digest of a few T-Nation reads, on themes recent and recurring:

TAGS: straw-man, alien abduction, douche, ad hominem, sexual insecurity, douchery, hillbilly frat-boy, nut-hugger, inbreeding, deliberate misinterpretation, mutant monkey, nut-hugging, STFU, tits, internet penis.

((((1))))
“I think gymnasts’ biceps look cool. I’m not interested in any of the other work they do, but I’d like biceps that look like that. Suggestions?”

“If the biceps is all you want, curl and do other biceps stuff.”

“Dude, gymnasts are strong.”

“How dare you say that about my mother! And then rape the family dog?!”

“That’s right – leave his dog out of this.”

“My dog was stronger than most gymnasts – and stood taller!.. before you raped him.”

“No really, gymnasts are strong.”

“They are not. They’re short.”

“They’re, like, way strong.”

“My brother, who likes Cheetos AND IS EATING SOME RIGHT NOW, is stronger. Being a gymnast makes you weak. Also, it makes you a troll – like an actual troll who lives under a bridge – and impotent. I know, because I just now imagined my girlfriend sleeping with a gymnast (they had to do it on the floor because he was so weak and short), and then afterwards she told me I was better. I imagined that, too. Actually, now that I think about it, I imagined the part about having a girlfriend. Wait a minute… Do you think she was lying to me?”

“Try doing an iron cross, asswipe!”

“Try deadlifting your mom. The average untrained man would have less trouble doing that than an Olympic gymnast.”

(Pause)

“This isn’t working out. I’m leaving you.”

((((B))))
dIMsUM27: Hi! I’d like to gain 5 pounds of muscle and get a little more defined so I can feel better around girls. Also, I’m feeling tired and depressed a lot lately and I’m worried I’m eating too much (1200 kcal/day). I’m 14 years old, 6’3", and weigh 108 pounds.

WARBEASTVIOLATOROTRON69: You tiny homosexual! I order you to either quintuple your food intake and start shitting at least 5 times a day RIGHT NOW or kill yourself!! I want to slap the shit out of your dog!!!

dIMsUM27: Rover?! Nnnnoooooooo!!!

(((©)))
1: Umm… so there’s this girl at the gym. We talk sometimes. Her rear deltoids are more defined than mine. Also, I think she has better range of motion in her ankles. Is it okay if I ask her out?

2: Vagina dentis, man. Vagina dentis.

1: What?

2: She’ll eat you up!

3: No, that’s unlikely, number two. Don’t be alarmist. But, if he came to prison, it is likely that he would be my bitch.

1: Actually, I kinda think she could break me in half…

SmallFerociousDog: Man up. Ask her out. You’ve only your pride to lose. Maybe a tooth or two, but probably just your pride. Maybe not even that.

2: Chicks with dicks, man – chicks with dicks!

4: Woohoo!

1: Guys, I’ve been inspired. I’m going to ask her out! Will let you know how it goes…





.

((((D))))
MultipleO: Do you guys totally internet want me?
Ran&Spanky: You know we do!
MinuteMan: I could totally internet do it to you, girl.
MultipleO: I bet you could! You make me so internet hot, you big stud! You make me want to real-life sexually humiliate a man right now and scream (S-C-R-E-A-M!) your name while I do it!
Ran&Spanky: Wowee! I volunteer!
MinuteMan: Easy, Sparky…
Ran&Spanky: Spanky.
MinuteMan: Whatever. I’ve got dibs on all the internet hoohah within typing distance of this place. I’m the electronic alpha, and I get first text-projection…
MultipleO: Project and Serve!
Ran&Spanky: Pick me!
MinuteMan: …of my throbbing, digitally rendered member…
MultipleO: Render me hot! Render me unconscious!
Ran&Spanky: Oh boy!
MinuteMan: …into the inbox of any internet lass…
MultipleO: In my box!
Ran&Spanky: Zoinks!
MinuteMan: …who so much as types her face around here.
MultipleO: Render me yours!
Ran&Spanky: !
MultipleO: Oh, MM, baby, that sounds great! Do it, do it, do it!!!



Ran&Spanky: Boss?
Multiple O: MM? Honey?
MinuteMan: Sorry… My, uh, connection went down for a moment there.


That’s it for now.
-F

Cocaine is a hell of a drug…

[quote]pachell wrote:
Cocaine is a hell of a drug…[/quote]

I’ll take that as a compliment of sorts, since I was sober (though not necessarily in the most even-keeled state) when I wrote these. Life is my drug, bra’, just like it was for Jimi Hendrix (except that for him drugs were also his drug).

Incidentally, I like your avatar – looks like an old (or at least old style) woodcut of the Devil playing a fiddle. There’s some bit of folk-lore connected to that (or several) but I don’t recall how it goes or where it comes from now.

Think I might’ve given this thread an unfortunate name – people might think it’s about the actual Reader’s Digest condensed books you see for 10 cents at library sales. Wonder if I can edit the subject?.. (edit: yep)

Huh?

That last one reminded me of this, which is still hilarious even though I hadn’t read it in a while…

http://www.ubersite.com/m/28016

Edit: Scroll down to read hilariousness.

[quote]Feist wrote:
pachell wrote:
Cocaine is a hell of a drug…

I’ll take that as a compliment of sorts, since I was sober (though not necessarily in the most even-keeled state) when I wrote these. Life is my drug, bra’, just like it was for Jimi Hendrix (except that for him drugs were also his drug).

Incidentally, I like your avatar – looks like an old (or at least old style) woodcut of the Devil playing a fiddle. There’s some bit of folk-lore connected to that (or several) but I don’t recall how it goes or where it comes from now.

Think I might’ve given this thread an unfortunate name – people might think it’s about the actual Reader’s Digest condensed books you see for 10 cents at library sales. Wonder if I can edit the subject?.. (edit: yep)

[/quote]

Yes on all three, nice work.

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
That last one reminded me of this, which is still hilarious even though I hadn’t read it in a while…

http://www.ubersite.com/m/28016

Edit: Scroll down to read hilariousness.[/quote]

Okay, that is some of the funniest shit I’ve ever read. I was having kind of a down night, but that helped. Thanks.

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
That last one reminded me of this, which is still hilarious even though I hadn’t read it in a while…

http://www.ubersite.com/m/28016

Edit: Scroll down to read hilariousness.[/quote]

I am reading this while my boss is sitting at the table with me and I am almost crying. I will have to wait to read the rest of this. Funny shit.