T Nation

T-Man Scientific Analysis


#1

The scientific name for T-Man (ti-m?n), "Liftus maximus," is the Latin form of Lift Large Weight, relating back to the Lewis and Clark expedition of 1804-1806, when T-Men were first collected for science. The T-Man is a member of the order Testosterone, amongst the smallest and rarest group of mammals in the world.

An adult T-Man has been known to weigh as much as 1000 cans of tuna or in T-Man terms, a week's supply of the tasty protein and measure upwards of 6 feet from heal to top of bald head. It can sometimes be found covered in thick, matted, unkempt hair, however, some of the species have been known to exist hairless. Its body can be a variety of colors, although pale white is common in the extremes of the Northern Hemisphere, contrasting sharply with its southern counterparts which tend towards dark brown to even shiny bronze during certain parts of the season. Its hands tend to be large, with heavy claw-like properties, which possess strong grip and good dexterity for lifting, feeding, occasional grooming, and lodge construction. Legs tend to be large, thick and muscular, which propel it through crowds in grocery stores and gyms. Its head is generally broad and rounded, and its eyes are fairly large and focused. The T-Man possesses a specialized digestive tract to help it process up to 8 meals per day.

These specialized physiological and morphological adaptations serve both positive and negative functions; they have made the T-Man well suited for the gym environment and limited outdoor renegade activity, but have also restricted it to very narrow habitat tolerances i.e. malls, fast food outlets, kitting bees, Tupperware parties and the like do not appear to be conducive to the T-Man?s survival.

From the early 1970?s through the mid 1980?s, the T-Man ranged over much of the world, populating gyms and iron pits. However, the onset of aerobics, yoga, pink weights, Richard Simmons, Tony Little, Flex Magazine and more recently Pilates, resulted in a reduction in population and a concomitant increase in non-T-Man-type sub-species, such as the fitness bunny, the soy boy and the chest and bicep weekend athlete. Excessive steroid use resulting in the ?freaky look? has also worked to drive the T-Man further underground where to this day he persists in iron pits, garages, basements and occasionally in 24 hour fitness centers much to his chagrin. Fortunately there is no shortage of T-Men in Alberta, where they range freely throughout the province, scavenging for protein, vegetable matter and the female of the species, the T-Vixen.

Mating rituals amongst the species is poorly understood, but is thought to occur, when the training and eating regimen permits or more frequently when an individual is consuming Tribex or MAG-10. Copulation is fast, furious and often over before the T-Vixen realizes she has encountered a T-Man, but this needs to be further studied.


#2

I would like to be the first T-Vixen to offer her services to the study of the mating rituals of the T-man. I am sure there is much to be learned.
I have a case of tuna, free range chickens, freezer full of Venison and Perch and a new bikini to bait the trap. I will leave my straps in the Power Rack waiting for the first to arrive.

Great post!! Thanks for the smiles.


#3

T-Men don't use the Gazelle glider? Are you shitting me?


#4

boarding plane to Pittsburg now . . .


#5

Tony Little scares me. The guy's on amphetamines 24/7.

DI


#6

IronMaiden - I'm in St. Louis and you always have a place to stay. I'm younger than you, but damn baby....


#7

What happens to a T-Man who can't find a readily available T-Vixen? Does he eat even more protien than normal and start fights with soy boys beating them to a pulp and wearing them over his shoulder as a display of his T-nature? Can T-Men round up large groups of fitness bunnies as an unsatisfying but distracting harem? What are some of the mating rituals of the T-Man and T-Vixen? Do they try to outlift each other, then out eat each other, then out screw each other? Are you doing studies on T-Vixens at this time? Any field analysis?


#8

The T-man needs to be further studied. RS, at present I am looking into conducting some field work involving the mating rituals of the T-Man and T-Vixen. This field work will be arduous and the girlfriend will perhaps object, but in the name of science, I am sure she will be understanding. Ahem.

Iron Maiden, perhaps we have discoverd a new subspecies here- the willing T-Vixen. Until now it was thought these only existed in the wet dreams of young T-Men. Perhaps not.


#9

A "new" subspecies - the Willing T-Vixen?!

Wouldn't it stand to reason that all T-Vixens would be as highly competitive, assertive in their environments and aggressive in their manner of fulfilling needs as a T-Man is? Granted, some T-Vixens may prefer to gain and maintain dominion over/with a solitary T-Man while some seek to create a pool of T-Men to draw from as her needs demand. Nonetheless, the "Willing T-Vixen" seems to be the only type of T-Vixen that would survive the rigors of life.


#10

CGB will probably use you in his field study Karma as you must be a T-Vixen by the fowardness of some of your posts. Are you of the "willing" subspecies? If so would you care to demonstrate some T-Vixen skills for me? Since I'm a T-Man of average-medium build I may take flight if you try to wrangle me. But if you caught me and tied me up, though I don't really like it, I think I could be subdued into adapting to that behavior. You may tempt me with a cheat meal and bare your naked body to fool me into thinking the scene was safe. CGB, is telling T-Vixen how to trap a T-Man, yourself included, some sort of anti-defense move brought on by peaking levels of T and lowering IQ levels?


#11

CGB, what kind noises do they make when they get shot in the head with paint balls????(inside joke people)


#12

or was that a mating call?


#13

You guys are a hoot. I'm currently working on additions that will eventually form a T-Dictionary. All varieties of people including the dreaded gym lounge lizard (as previously covered on here by someone else that I can't recall), cell phone addict, naked guy in the change rooms, squat rack abuser etc. If anyone has any ideas, please add. This could get good.

Field Study of the Work Out Regimine of the Blond-Tipped Bar Crew.

Vol. 1: Chest, Biceps and Abs.


#14

You did read that atomic dog with the gym dictionary didn't you?. . .

STU


#15

"The Book of Great T-Vixen and Thier Heroic acts"-
-Chapter 1- When the T-Vixen clears the GYM for her T-Man (see thread on Patricia "Wonder Woman" beating the crap out of squat rack curlers for the mighty Ko and herself)
-Chapter 2- "My 16 year old olypimic speed skater shits bigger than you!" (see article by CT on bringing little T-Vixen to the GYMs to outlift the dreaded "Post Workout Beer Swilling Loudmouthed Lounge Lizards, and thier leader Big-Gonad")


#16

CGB: Maybe if you started conducting your OWN field research in the mating rituals between yourself and your OWN T-Vixen, that might help you delve deeper into understanding everyone elses mating rituals. I'm sure for science sake, you wouldn't contest. AHEM!!!


#17

CGB and better half:

I'm sure things will pick up for you two. Craig's bound to maintain an erection one of these days. If Cupcake can do it...

Hehe.


#18

Stu, I read about 1 in 5 Atomic Dog articles. I'm too busy trying to keep up with all the training and nutrition stuff. The world needs more silliness. The more the better.


#19

Whooooweeeee! Does someone need some chocolate or what?! Sorry, CGB, time to run home and make the lil' missus happy. Try some Tylenol and a foot rub, too.

RS: Me? A T-Vixen? Naaahh. :wink: Regarding a demonstration of skills, what did you have in mind? You claim to be a T-man so what would cause you to take flight in the face of an attempted wrangling? Wouldn't a true member of the T-species wrangle back, and win?

Also, how T-manly of you would it be to be "subdued into adapting to that [being tied up] behaviour"? Subdued?! While a T-man may discover a new fondness for alternative food sources (Poontang is not only healthy, but delicious too) and alternative training regimines, to think he could be "subdued" would tend to disqualify him from T-brotherhood.

And as we know the true T-man is a very wiley creature and wary of any trap, the thought of "fooling you into thinking the scene was safe" by merely creating a nude distraction, again would point to disqualification from T-brotherhood.

True T-men have no need of trapping or enticement and fall prey to none. They see what they want and proceed to gain it. These are T-characteristics. Perhaps you've become confused with an intermediary specie's characteristics - those of the Poseur T-man. Now, the Poseur T-man is in actuality much more common than the true T-man but the differences between the two are such that only a highly trained individual could tell the difference (just a tad more difficult than lifting by the tail and seeing what lies beneath). I suggest you go back and reread the T-manual to reacquaint yourself with the true T-man characteristics.

:wink:


#20

Dude, that was totally hilarious, and I'm not just saying that to be a 'forum buddy' like it seemse some people do (not in this post thank GOD), I was laughing my ass off. favorite line - 'The T-Man possesses a specialized digestive tract to help it process up to 8 meals per day.' haha, as if we have to eat that much to live or we'll die. also, scowering the countryside for protien haha, like we search so hard that we actually do physical damage to our environment in our quest. ALSO, Iron Maiden.... you are on a forum with a bunch of either juiced up or tribexized T-Men, you shouldn't have too much trouble, in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that guy actually DID board a plane to pittsburgh haha. whew, ok enough typing ~PorchDawg