The scientific name for T-Man (ti-m?n), "Liftus maximus," is the Latin form of Lift Large Weight, relating back to the Lewis and Clark expedition of 1804-1806, when T-Men were first collected for science. The T-Man is a member of the order Testosterone, amongst the smallest and rarest group of mammals in the world.
An adult T-Man has been known to weigh as much as 1000 cans of tuna or in T-Man terms, a week's supply of the tasty protein and measure upwards of 6 feet from heal to top of bald head. It can sometimes be found covered in thick, matted, unkempt hair, however, some of the species have been known to exist hairless. Its body can be a variety of colors, although pale white is common in the extremes of the Northern Hemisphere, contrasting sharply with its southern counterparts which tend towards dark brown to even shiny bronze during certain parts of the season. Its hands tend to be large, with heavy claw-like properties, which possess strong grip and good dexterity for lifting, feeding, occasional grooming, and lodge construction. Legs tend to be large, thick and muscular, which propel it through crowds in grocery stores and gyms. Its head is generally broad and rounded, and its eyes are fairly large and focused. The T-Man possesses a specialized digestive tract to help it process up to 8 meals per day.
These specialized physiological and morphological adaptations serve both positive and negative functions; they have made the T-Man well suited for the gym environment and limited outdoor renegade activity, but have also restricted it to very narrow habitat tolerances i.e. malls, fast food outlets, kitting bees, Tupperware parties and the like do not appear to be conducive to the T-Man?s survival.
From the early 1970?s through the mid 1980?s, the T-Man ranged over much of the world, populating gyms and iron pits. However, the onset of aerobics, yoga, pink weights, Richard Simmons, Tony Little, Flex Magazine and more recently Pilates, resulted in a reduction in population and a concomitant increase in non-T-Man-type sub-species, such as the fitness bunny, the soy boy and the chest and bicep weekend athlete. Excessive steroid use resulting in the ?freaky look? has also worked to drive the T-Man further underground where to this day he persists in iron pits, garages, basements and occasionally in 24 hour fitness centers much to his chagrin. Fortunately there is no shortage of T-Men in Alberta, where they range freely throughout the province, scavenging for protein, vegetable matter and the female of the species, the T-Vixen.
Mating rituals amongst the species is poorly understood, but is thought to occur, when the training and eating regimen permits or more frequently when an individual is consuming Tribex or MAG-10. Copulation is fast, furious and often over before the T-Vixen realizes she has encountered a T-Man, but this needs to be further studied.