Ok, I did the crime, I'll do the time. What surprised me was when the judge sentenced me to T-man prison.
T-man prison? What the hell is T-man prison? It actually didn't sound too bad. Possibly even a little fun.
My first sight at the prison were the guards. Damn they were big muthers. I couldn't wait to see the gym they had here, if they had to have guys this big to handle the criminals.
Then I heard a little screechy voice. "OH MY GOD! Look at the new man hunk."
I couldn't believe the scrawny little freak I saw. He looked like a wimpy version of Richard Simmons, but not as masculine.
"This is Bruno. He'll show you around." Said the smaller, 300 pound guard. Then they took off. I couldn't believe it.
Bruno quickly grabbed my arm and attempted to pull me forward. I reluctantly obliged, and followed him. I perked up when he said, "Let me show you the gym."
My happy expression quickly evaporated when I saw about 40 skinny guys in various pastel outfits dancing in unison to some 50's tune. I demanded, "Where are the weights?"
"EEEEEYEWWWW." He looked like he was in total disgust. "Those nasty things give you calluses. Quick, let me take you to the TV room. Three big screen TV's."
"Great, I could use some ESPN."
He laughed so hard he almost couldn't catch his breath. "There is none of that stuff here. One TV is for the Oxygen Channel, one for the Romance Channel, and the third has a continuous Oprah feed."
Suddenly there were three loud beeps. "Come on, time to eat."
Great, I haven't eaten all day, and I was starving. I followed Bruno down some carpeted stairs to find a whole auditorium filled with various skinny or fat? ok the only analogy I could come up with would be a blend of geek and transvestite, and not in the good way.
Well I finally got up to the buffet. "Soy burgers?"
"The best." Said Bruno. "They can do anything with soy. The chocolate soymilk is great here. And the bakery is absolutely fabulous."
I just sat down to a very gloomy meal when one positive thought popped into my head. I quickly stood up and yelled, "Who wants to be my bitch!" Hands shot up everywhere in the grinning crowd. At least that's one thing I won't have to worry about.
Realizing I am the biggest, toughest guy here kind of puts me in charge. This might not be all that bad. And as I was finishing up my second soy burger a new thought ran through my head. "I wonder what is on Oprah?"