T Nation

t-man love and sex

i need some serious t-people opinions on a subject that has come up in my life. i have been with this girl for nearly five years or so off and on. high school love carried over into college. things have been great, and not so great. after one of the not so great moments we decide to get back together and work things out. but under a condition that im not sure how to handle. she has found a new level of faith. the condition is no sexual activity at all now till marriage. this is at least another three years at best with school (you cant graduate in four years anymore if you have to be able to pay for it yourself). im a very sexual person and before this so was she. she was the perfect t-woman for a t-man. it was great and passionate and everything that it is when you are in love with someone. im not sure if i can be with her now because i feel like she has taken my favorite form of communication away. im not where she is at right now and i dont know when i will be. school is coming up and i will live a few hours away and its seems that the relationship will be doomed with the distance. am i wrong to feel this way?? i need some serious help bad here t-people. women and mens opinion are very appreciated because i feel lost… rob,h

What kind of a test is that?

I eventually evolved to practice abstinence UNTIL I found real love (i.e. no more quickies or one nighters), and, no, you don’t die in the process…but your situation…OUCH. Seems like rubbing salt in a wound, specially that you know what you are missing…

What a test…the real bummer would be that she would get some elsewhere in the meantime…

I guess you’d know for sure it wasn’t about sex…

That’s a tall order since you’ve already been together. How old are you both? Still, I wouldn’t necessarily challenge the notion of taking a sex break until marriage, I’d challenge the notion of waiting three years to do it. People in college get married all the time – and change schools, etc. to make it work out. What’s harder finishing school while married or keeping a relationship together over distance without sex for 3 whole self-abusing years?

On the other hand, I only know of one relationship where the couple “decided to get back together and work it out” that lasted.

It strikes me as odd that after you hit one of those rough spots in the relationship she all of a sudden found faith and doesn’t want to have sex anymore. In the future, is she going to insist that you must be neutered? You need to have a long talk with this chick, bro.

Its doomed, trust me.

This girl has issues. First of all, to expect that you would end a sexual relationship after having one is absurd. There is no intimacy there really; other than cuddling and whatnot. You are likely just to go insane.

Sounds like she needs to be with someone who has “faith” now because she’s going to let the dogma of antiquity control her life through fear of some divine retribution. She’s nuts. Let it go, go meet some new people, and get with someone that wants to have another compatible person in their life instead of someone who prioritizes the blindly accepted rantings of ages past.

Just an opinion.

And how does she explain all of this…except that she feels that way…any good reasons, more than one liners? ? ?

I think there is a deeper question here than just the externally obvious lack of sex thing.

For one, if you are truly considering marriage, you better make damn sure you and her beliefs are compatible. You really have to find out if you have the same beliefs on many issues. Having kids, raising kids, donating money to charity, going to church, types of friends, views on sex/drugs…

The seemingly sudden acquisition of faith can be seen in two lights.

  1. She is using it as a crutch, grasping at straws. This may be obvious if she does that in other areas of life, jumps around a lot, so on and so forth.
  2. She is truly going to convert and follow it, and will expect you to do the same. Believe it when I say it is extremely difficult for someone who is devoted religiously to successfully stay married to someone who is not.

Viz Run don’t walk, you think she’s hell now wait untill your married. There are too babes out there to mess with the mental cases and game players.

Be prepared for the huge guilt trip of “You must never have loved me if you’d leave me over sex, blah, blah, blah” when you do leave her.

i appreciate all of your input and look forward to more of it.

prljam- it is and is isnt worth it. once youve had it you cant give it up. at least i cant. and were talking three years at the earliest. besides not having sex, she would do as my best friend but she “can not be just my friend” so its like all or nothing here.

Dan C- i feel the same way about only being with people you love. i also “evolved.” it hurts a ton and im missing a lot here. the best love of my life by far. she is serious about the no sexual interaction between us. and adament about only wanting it with me. she refutes her actions by explaining that after all the arguments that this is “what is right for us.” and this will be a good thing. i have faith in something greater than i but do not conform as she does. we are total opposites and when its good (the entire scope of the relationship) its by far out of this world. but when its bad… its bad.

jimMCD-its not all about sex. we were best friends first. but after crossing that line and making it intamate i would never want to go back. the school i go to is the one i will stay at and i feel that my carrer comes before any woman at this point because before i can start a family i want to be able to support it. i have come from a not so well to do family and am one of the first to go to college. GO WMU!!!

CMC- she has always had some faith. always more than me. but then she just took this sudden leap. see DAN C for more details. and the neutering part… never. but she has also gotten upset with me when i told her i was going out drinking with the boys at some bar. so the sex thing is not where the line is drawn. she is stepping over into all the good stuff here.

deezlodog- you are pretty much saying exactly how i am feeling in the first part there. and your second part sounds just like my best friend who also attends the same school. he also says i can do better frequently but i can not choose who i love…

thanx for your opinions and dont hessitate to give me more of them. more women please!! rob, h

You’re young and have you’re whole T-life ahead of you.In 5 years your opinions and tastes are going change and you’ll realize that waiting for marriage was a waste of time.I’ve known several couples that waited for marriage and their sex life sucks.A guy I worked with waited til marriage and now gets it once every 3 months and his wife cries through the entire sex process…(I’m serious)
I’m rambling over here but my point is dump her…you’ll find someone else to love

Deez, that second paragraph is outstanding

I have been in exactly your position in the past. I wouldn’t take what she’s saying too seriously if I were you; whether it’s just a test of some sort for her or whether she really has “converted” (at least for the time being) to some sort of Christianity or whatever, I doubt it will last long. Especially if she was a very sexual person before.

He’s my advice. You really like this woman, right? Okay. Play cool with it for a while. Tell her that you’re not sure about all this new abstinence stuff, and that you don’t really think that you would want to be that way in your life, but that for her sake you won’t pressure her into anything. (If she asks you for more than this, then dump her.)

Then, next time you get together, make sure that the mood is as romantic as possible. Have a nice dinner made, candles, the whole bit. Take her out for a walk by a lake at night. Give her a massage, make sure that the two of you are alone. Do NOT initiate any type of sex, not even kissing, though. What you’re trying to do is make it so that she wants it and will re-think the abstinence thing. If she’s like you say she is, and if she really does still have feelings for you, then she’ll probably come around. At least, that’s what happened in my case.

Good luck.

Personally I agree with what was mentioned earier. If she’s tyruly converted, it won’t be long before she’s expecting you to follow the same practices as she is. And even if she doesn’t say anything negative there will be tension because of the contrasts of faith. If you stay, no more drinking with the boys, no more porn, etc. Good luck

WTF! That’s one of the oldest tricks in the book, old school all the way. Start dating other women now! I’m speechless, man, and hardly know where to start on this topic. To be blunt, this relationship is doomed anyways so get out.

VIZ: Just to be sure ideas do not get mixed, my change has no link to spirituality or faith.

I compared the intensities and aftertastes of girlfriend sex and one nighters/fuck friends and I decided I would be better off waiting for the Motherlode than to take the already been there, done that path. I have had sex without love, love without sex (well, really good one), and I chose to wait until both brains (big and small) were in accord before making myself ideas of ladies I met.

In short, I chose quality over quantity, and took the waiting time to think of everything. Good, long, introspection time. Thought about my motivations, experiences, etc. Beats following feelings and flying blind as an autopilot anytime. Best return on investment on time spent so far. And, FYI, I got the jackpot too.

Viz, you asked for more women to reply and I read this whole thread and was just stumped about what to say until I got to CharDawg’s advice. I cannot imagine a relationship that was sexual continuing on without sex.

You talk about being in love with her, but also not being where she is at right now. In a later post you say, we are total opposites and when its good (the entire scope of the relationship) its by far out of this world. but when its bad… its bad. Both statements made me think of myself and my husband. We are opposites and when we click it is great and when we don’t it can be so bad, lol. But you do love her and it is hard to find someone you care about that much.

I agree with Char. If you stick it out, saying yes to her wishes because it is what she has asked of you, not that you agree, I think she will be so moved that you might just be back in bed before you know it. How could she turn you down when she knows what she is missing!! Just let her initiate and then say, “Are you SURE?”

Maybe add in a few times how HARD this situation is for you! You are DYING HERE! (But willing to hang on because you love her and that’s what she has asked of you, of course.)

Slip her some yohimbe? LOL j/k

If she has reembraced her relationship with Christ…and it sounds like she might have; then you have to respect her decision. If you are a Christian yourself…you should understand. If not…maybe you two shouldn’t be together in the first place. The term is “equally yoked”. A believer and non believer don’t really belong together.

To all of you non Christians…you probably can’t comprehend this…so keep your mouths shut on what I am saying about the Christian aspect. Unless you are there yourself…your opinion isn’t valid and you probably don’t “get it” from a Christian perspective…

Montrosefan…

Yeah…I agree with my friend Montrosefan on this one…
BTW: to those people who are kind of putting her down or labeling her for her choice…is it possible that you are being a bit judgemental…closeminded and and INTOLERANT?..just a question…

Peace…