T Nation

Suicide on Webcam

It’s quite sad, someone posted the video of the police busting down his door on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcqG7KKry4k

He posted his note on another bodybuilding forum before ODing:

The Note
To Whom It May Concern,
I am going to leave this for whoever stumbles across my bookmarks later on.
I hate myself and I hate living. I think that if someone who knows me
reads this they will know who I am. So I will leave this unsigned. I am
an a@#hole. I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will never
change or never improve. I am in love with a girl and I know that I am
not good enough for her. I have come
to believe that my life has all been meaningless. I keep trying and I
keep failing.

I have thought about and attempted suicide many times in
the past. I used to think of my failure as some mystical way of telling
me that I was really meant for something meaningful. The only thing I
dread, besides the pain, is the way my family will suffer. I do not want
my mother or father to think that it was anything they did that lead me
to kill myself. I never really had any plans of leaving a note. I
thought that I would not be able to describe why I want to do this and I
am right.

There is no way to tell you or anyone else why I dread every
new day. My father had such high expectations for me and tried to give
me every opportunity to improve upon myself. I let him down. I think
that I am a major disappointment to him. I have a job but I?m always broke
and I am in college but barely, I show up to class but that?s about it.
I want my life to end. I am tired of f@#$ing up everything. I
am tired of people always telling me that they do not like me. I am
tired of trying to be decent.

I hope that someone finds this post and I
hope that my parents know that I f@#$ed up not them. It is my fault I
screwed up my own life.
The hate that rages within me, rages not for those I love so dearly or
those who have crossed my path.
This hate rages full force towards me and only me.
I have long forgiven those who’ve hurt me, but I have not and cannot
come to terms to forgive myself for the things I have done to myself, and
the things I’ve done to hurt those in my life.

You have all touched my life in one way or another,
especially those whom I call family.
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for ending my life the way I did. I
hope that you can all find it in your heart to see it as way for me not
suffering anymore and that I am finally at rest with myself, for being at
rest with the guilt that constantly ate at me for so long.
Please forgive me all for taking my own life so early. I tried so hard
to fight against this strong battle. I have reached out for help so many
times, and yet I believe, I was turned away because of the things I did,
that it is a punishment I am willing to take, for I know that being who I am
has only brought myself and others pain.

I love you all and will forever live within the memories we created.
Forgive me.
Love always and forever,
As for my signature I will leave you with a quote so that if anyone
reads this they will know it’s me, “Can?t feel pain if your dead? Just Saying”


When I’m in a rock band, I’m gonna do a cool, mellow song. Then in the middle I’ll stop, announce “This part is just to be an ******* to people playing Guitar Hero,” and then fail wildly on the strings for 30 seconds

Miscer Black Ops - Code Name Junkie

Dude is more famous in death than he ever would have been alive.

It’s kind of a sad letter, but I don’t really feel for the guy. Oh well.

Wow. That is just a whole bunch of fucked up. But it wouldn’t be the first time that has happened on a live webcam.

Wow, that’s pretty intense. Between the time I clicked on the link within the youtube description and the time i clicked to go to the second page BBing had taken down the thread

Holy shit. I guess it was real, the bodybuilding.com thread just got taken down, as well as the YouTube video… Holy fuck.

Wow, that letter is exactly how I feel every morning when I wake up.

Maybe I should kill myself too.

Very sad. Always try to stay positive and if you feel that bad, talk to someone.

I got as far as page 8 in the BBing thread before it came down. Interesting to see the breakdown of people posting as it was happening. Some said, “fuck you, kill yourself” others didn’t give a damn, because he was an attention whore, some were watching the live feed, saying “somebody should do something” and the two people that actually took action and DID call the local police.

Makes you wonder what group you fall into. Says something about a person, doesn’t it?

RIP, kid. If you could only see beyond the gray skies. 19 is too young to die.

Here is a page containing the video of the police breaking his door down and checking his pulse. The clips on YouTube have all been removed.

http://www.mediatakeout.com/2008/28391-shocker_man_is_taunted_into_committing_suicide__by_people_on_a_message_board.html

there has been people come to this board that reached out with sadness and depression, and they got the reassurance they needed and whatever they did they are still alive.

I am sure some of you know what I am talking about.

If people on here was like the idiots and trolls over there at BB.com I am sure there would have been other tragadies like this one.

My point is,Do not let this place become the unfeeling,troll filled shit house that BB.com obviously is, all of you are better than that and this proves that they are indeed very,very horrible people to taunt a guy into doing something like this instead of reaching out.

Remember a real Alpha Male or female uses their strength to help the ones weaker than them and protect their fellow beings and not flaunt the fact they are stronger or gloat about it.

Maybe this shows all of you that words on the internet to some people are powerful like anything else and sometimes people should’t be met with flaming and harshness sometimes they should be greeted with compasion and understanding.

R.I.P youngin,either your pain is gone now.
I am very sorry for his family and loved ones though.

No doubt that BB.com forums are a cesspool, I stay away from the place. This whole things seems like a CSI episode, weird.

On a serious note, I remember how hopeless the teen years can be. If you’re a young person thinking of doing this STOP. Death is FOREVER. Do you never want a second chance? As a 35 year old I can assure you that things do get better.

[quote]Hog Ear wrote:
No doubt that BB.com forums are a cesspool, I stay away from the place. This whole things seems like a CSI episode, weird.

On a serious note, I remember how hopeless the teen years can be. If you’re a young person thinking of doing this STOP. Death is FOREVER. Do you never want a second chance? As a 35 year old I can assure you that things do get better. [/quote]

eventually they do and you will look back and laugh at how silly your thoughts really were as a teen.

I would think though that the people taunting them liable for his death it a degree.

That’s too bad.

Suicide is such a boring way to die

I also find it very said that the place he chose to reveal his suicide to first was an internet forum. I know I don’t know the whole story, but its really unfortunate that he couldn’t have told someone he knew.

So… was this “ellie’s” boyfriend?

[quote]Hog Ear wrote:
No doubt that BB.com forums are a cesspool, I stay away from the place. This whole things seems like a CSI episode, weird.

On a serious note, I remember how hopeless the teen years can be. If you’re a young person thinking of doing this STOP. Death is FOREVER. Do you never want a second chance? As a 35 year old I can assure you that things do get better. [/quote]

Totally agree. I’m 24, but there were definitely times that I thought the darkness would never pass, and I longed to be hit by a bus. But as time went on things got better, and I don’t feel that way anymore.

I’m sure there will be dark times ahead, this is life afterall, but there is definitely something to be said about “sticking it out” no matter how bad it gets.

[quote]Malevolence wrote:
So… was this “ellie’s” boyfriend?[/quote]

who on earth is ellie? what’s this a reference to? i dont get it…

Okay, I’m not sure if I’m missing something, but the youtube link doesn’t work, and people are talking about bodybuilding.com for some reason.

I mean no disrespect to the kid, but if someone is actually weak enough to kill themselves over a girl and having expectations put on them by their parents, they’re mentally weak and probably don’t deserve the blessings they’ve received already.

It makes me sick thinking there’s people who think the world owes them something when there’s people in third-world countries who don’t even know what the fucking internet is. THEY live with disease, extreme poverty, and in an eat-to-survive lifestyle. Boo-fucking hoo.

[quote]Hog Ear wrote:
As a 35 year old I can assure you that things do get better. [/quote]

Things do NOT get better! You just get stronger.

-Sab