Staying Motivated Around Unmotivating People

Off Topic
21

I think you should read more fiction.

I know it probably sounds a bit silly, but I’ve found some value in finding some sort of ‘kinship’ with certain characters, borrowing ideas from how they live their lives and their outlooks and so on. Secondly, fiction forces you to see the world through someone else’s eyes, which almost always helps with personal growth.

It doesn’t even have to be good fiction. I mean, if I were to recommend anything, I’d probably look into the Culture Series, or stuff by Charles Stross. Even the original James Bond books are a good read. Or Conan. They all just present completely different scenarios and outlooks, and frankly, most of the main characters involve overcoming obstacles and being at odds with the status quo, for one reason or another.

That’s not to say the books should substitute for friends or anything ridiculous like that.

22

[quote]LoRez wrote:
I think you should read more fiction.

I know it probably sounds a bit silly, but I’ve found some value in finding some sort of ‘kinship’ with certain characters, borrowing ideas from how they live their lives and their outlooks and so on. Secondly, fiction forces you to see the world through someone else’s eyes, which almost always helps with personal growth.

It doesn’t even have to be good fiction. I mean, if I were to recommend anything, I’d probably look into the Culture Series, or stuff by Charles Stross. Even the original James Bond books are a good read. Or Conan. They all just present completely different scenarios and outlooks, and frankly, most of the main characters involve overcoming obstacles and being at odds with the status quo, for one reason or another.

That’s not to say the books should substitute for friends or anything ridiculous like that.[/quote]

I agree with this and think that books make excellent friends. I believe they can also do a pretty decent job of parenting someone who is looking for a model to follow. I would like to think I have more in common in some regards with fictional characters whose warmth and integrity I admired than with my parents, though they are of course part of the mix as well.

23

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
Thanks for the advice everyone, really appreciated. Between working full time, lifting 3-4 days a week, teaching myself graduate level numerical methods, and barely getting 4-6 hours a of sleep a night, this helps a lot. Ive been feeling guilty about being so tired, and it only makes things worse when you tell people your goals and dreams (get a PhD in engineering and start a business) and all they do is give you shit why it is ok to stick around at a menial 9 to 5.

My best defense so far has been to ask them why…but honestly it is tough coming home at night, being so tired that sitting on the couch results in passing out for a few hours (this Sunday after I got home from the gym I sat on the couch and passed out until 10pm), on top of not having anyone to talk too (because they are so damn negative, undisciplined or lazy).

Ive got a good friend for example, I asked him to look into investing in a business together. We both have a complementary skill set and I believe as a team we’d have great potential…But at the end of the day a 9 to 5 route is simply easier. And that his the path he choses, but then goes on about all the crap he wants to do. I said to Im “If you aren’t doing it now youre never going to do it.” Sent him a wonderful speech “The Art of Being Fully Human” where this message is repeated. Sigh…

I guess I am feeling a little like I did when I was living with my parents. They hated the idea of me being successful. I was regularly put down and discouraged from doing anything remotely impressive. Still got my degree in aeronautical engineering (with great letters of rec), lead a team to design a UAV which met some pretty impressive goals (alas, we did miss deadlines), and in the weightlifting circle, I’m very close to a 315 ATG squat and probably over a 500lb farmers walk/frame carry. I got into a gym where we have some people going for their pro-card in strongman.

So screw the people who say what you cant do!

I was enrolled in a PhD program, but I didn’t even make it past the first semester. I was so depressed… It was like “I cant believe I made it through all this.” and something in me shut down. Like I couldn’t handle the fact that I got though all those years of put downs, abuse, and negativity, without resorting to drugs or self harms. I got offered a position researching turbulence in supersonic flow and after that for some reason this incredible cloud of doubt and sadness came over me. I feel like that mistake screwed my life up so much. Every day I wake up wishing I had my life back right before I started that program. Every hour I think about it (it has been 2 years). And the worst part is for the first time in my life I doubt myself.

[/quote]

I’m curious how your goals come up in the conversation. Do you bring it up or do they? Most people don’t really want to hear all the many ways your going to improve to be better than x, where x is what they are doing, and that is understandable.

Another thing is: how much do you actually get caught up in their opinions? Are you looking for kudos for your superior ambition? Because you’re not going to get it and you possibly don’t deserve it–not to be harsh, but a lot of folks are convinced they are a lot more special than that are and bring out the hostility in others who prefer less talk and more results, if you know what I mean.

24

Get busy enough at achieving success that you don’t have any free time to hang out with people like that…And don’t worry about it too much, you will find that the closer you get to the life you want, the less those people will talk to you…They will just be talking badly about you behind your back.

25

I feel your pain.

I personally refrain from interacting with the vast majority of people because I fear that if I make a habit of hanging out with them it will ‘soften’ me.

26

[quote]Andy.Now wrote:
I feel your pain.

I personally refrain from interacting with the vast majority of people because I fear that if I make a habit of hanging out with them it will ‘soften’ me.[/quote]

Wouldn’t that mean you’re pretty soft?

27

That’s actually something good… Haters motivate me

I’ve been told I could never lift from 3 consecutive disc bulges and I learned to live tolerating the sciatic nerve pain (if that’s what i have)

I’m bench pressing 405 naturally and blessed to still squat and deadlift and currently back to boxing

Too much negative energy around you is still energy that can be used to unleash the beast

28

OP,

Are you currently employed as an engineer? BTW, you don’t need a PhD to run an engineering business. Not everyone is PhD material.

29

I know a PhD isn’t necessary, it is just something I want to do. I love research and learning. I also like engineering design. If I had a million dollars, for example, Id immediately apply to PhD programs and take my time going through them. Then I would start my own research firm. I know it isn’t a necessity and with the economy in the US it might be a downright bad decision. After seeing the state of the economy, I am reevaluating my goals, hence teaching myself some classes for free or at an extremely reduced cost vs attending classes and needing to take out more loans.

And to tell you the truth, I don’t talk to many people at work and feel very disconnected. I more disappointed with the lack of support from my family than what they think.

30

Well you’ve got a few options. Learn to live being disconnected or connect with people with similar interests. Both will take some work on your part.

31

Sounds like a depressing place, long term try and move and get the hell away. Somewhere with lots of very driven people like NYC would be an obvious choice but you can reinvent yourself in pretty much any of the larger cities across the country.

Chopping out toxic people might create some lonliness at first but in time will free up a tremendous amount of energy

32

I really have not run into anyone trying to knock me down. I have the full support of family and friends, some I lift with. I cook what is good for me and everyone I feed likes it.

It may be hard with family, but anyone negative I work with, I just do my best to ignore them. Any whining strangers I may run into, they get tuned right out.

33

Let aside that motivation for and implementation of self improvement are strongly governed by one’s genetic make-up and upbringing (two strong influences which can be tweaked, ofc).

I’d like to generalize the OP’s goal [staying motivated around unmotivating people] to [stay on course despite people trying to sabotage you] to make my point.

In my opinion, staying on course is about commitment, about accepting the potential consequences of the path you’re on.

I don’t care what most people think of me.
That includes friends, families, coworkers and clients. (I do care, though, what people think about my professional deliverables, though: I am passionate about my work and do appreciate my income).

I make sure to comply with the acceptable minimum of cultural norms necessary in any given setting (that includes the law) - apart from that, I follow my core values (and sometimes adapt them) and it works out pretty well.

Even my strongest detractors usually accept me after a while: you just have to weather a few storms, is all.

I’m strongly convinced that a free mind (I’m not being pulled into a discussion about free will, mind you: this is more about reducing the number of forces that pull on you - I don’t see how one could truly be free) needs to be able to

  • accept that everything costs (i.e. there are tradeoffs - choose the ones most suitable to your core values and goals: seriously, this is RE 101)
  • set up and uphold boundaries (no matter the cost)
  • be prepared to cut toxic people out of one’s life
  • resist emotional blackmail
  • compartmentalize
  • be analytical
  • have a few select people whose judgement one can trust to turn to for advice, reality checks and the like, especially when one’s arsenal is about to run dry
  • forgive (which doesn’t automatically mean you’ll let the forgivee back into your life: in my book, forgiving someone should be about oneself)

For the past 15 years or so, none of my friends has questioned my motivation or goals, so far. And my friends are a pretty honest bunch, mind you. Of course, I’ve met detractors, over the years. And lots of saboteurs, as it were. They’re easily dealt with, though.

34

[quote]FattyFat wrote:
Let aside that motivation for and implementation of self improvement are strongly governed by one’s genetic make-up and upbringing (two strong influences which can be tweaked, ofc).

I’d like to generalize the OP’s goal [staying motivated around unmotivating people] to [stay on course despite people trying to sabotage you] to make my point.

In my opinion, staying on course is about commitment, about accepting the potential consequences of the path you’re on.

I don’t care what most people think of me.
That includes friends, families, coworkers and clients. (I do care, though, what people think about my professional deliverables, though: I am passionate about my work and do appreciate my income).

I make sure to comply with the acceptable minimum of cultural norms necessary in any given setting (that includes the law) - apart from that, I follow my core values (and sometimes adapt them) and it works out pretty well.

Even my strongest detractors usually accept me after a while: you just have to weather a few storms, is all.

I’m strongly convinced that a free mind (I’m not being pulled into a discussion about free will, mind you: this is more about reducing the number of forces that pull on you - I don’t see how one could truly be free) needs to be able to

  • accept that everything costs (i.e. there are tradeoffs - choose the ones most suitable to your core values and goals: seriously, this is RE 101)
  • set up and uphold boundaries (no matter the cost)
  • be prepared to cut toxic people out of one’s life
  • resist emotional blackmail
  • compartmentalize
  • be analytical
  • have a few select people whose judgement one can trust to turn to for advice, reality checks and the like, especially when one’s arsenal is about to run dry
  • forgive (which doesn’t automatically mean you’ll let the forgivee back into your life: in my book, forgiving someone should be about oneself)

For the past 15 years or so, none of my friends has questioned my motivation or goals, so far. And my friends are a pretty honest bunch, mind you. Of course, I’ve met detractors, over the years. And lots of saboteurs, as it were. They’re easily dealt with, though.

[/quote]

Good post, Fatty.

35

[quote]debraD wrote:

[quote]Andy.Now wrote:
I feel your pain.

I personally refrain from interacting with the vast majority of people because I fear that if I make a habit of hanging out with them it will ‘soften’ me.[/quote]

Wouldn’t that mean you’re pretty soft?[/quote]

so, Deb - soft is not a good position for a man to be in? technically speaking, of course~

36

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I was/is so depressed.
[/quote]

Maybe this is the real problem and you should see a therapist. Might be costly but worth the money.

Otherwise you should write down your goals and some realistic steps to accomplish on the way to them. Circle those accomplishments and award yourself for them. If you’re already depressed nothing like not achieving some outlandish dream to make it worse than blame it on people around you.

So when jobs ask you if your self motivated what do you say?

37

I do quite some reading and practicing into spirituality. Something that I personally felt helpful:
We as individual souls are here to go through a set of experiences. We were given ample choices and we picked this one to go through in this lifetime; knowing very well the ups and downs. But then the accumulated baggages (karmas) comes in our way of happily experiencing our journey and adds on to the ups & downs.

Knowing that you are only here to experience this existence with the body and mind of “Aero51” can help shift your perspective quite a bit. You personally are the soul sitting behind and enjoying the movie…just as in a theatre

Besides, nobody else’s views are relevant to your experience. Only tell them what they need to necessarily know of you.

It’s a huge topic to discuss…just tried giving it a shot :slight_smile:

38

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
This is more of a life question than a workout question, but I love the lifting community because there are a lot of dedicated hard working people.

Basically, I live in an area where there are a lot of people that are ok with the status quo. Im frequently told to give up on my goals, settle for less, etc. I dont believe any of these negative statments one bit, and I usually counter them by simply asking the criticizer “why?” Of course, they never provide an answer other than “You just cant!” or “That’s not what normal people do!”

So, how do you guys stay motivated when your around people that are just opposite of wanting to achieve or live beyond the status quo?? It sure as hell is depressing being surrounded by them.[/quote]

39

[quote]FattyFat wrote:
Let aside that motivation for and implementation of self improvement are strongly governed by one’s genetic make-up and upbringing (two strong influences which can be tweaked, ofc).

I’d like to generalize the OP’s goal [staying motivated around unmotivating people] to [stay on course despite people trying to sabotage you] to make my point.

In my opinion, staying on course is about commitment, about accepting the potential consequences of the path you’re on.

I don’t care what most people think of me.
That includes friends, families, coworkers and clients. (I do care, though, what people think about my professional deliverables, though: I am passionate about my work and do appreciate my income).

I make sure to comply with the acceptable minimum of cultural norms necessary in any given setting (that includes the law) - apart from that, I follow my core values (and sometimes adapt them) and it works out pretty well.

Even my strongest detractors usually accept me after a while: you just have to weather a few storms, is all.

I’m strongly convinced that a free mind (I’m not being pulled into a discussion about free will, mind you: this is more about reducing the number of forces that pull on you - I don’t see how one could truly be free) needs to be able to

  • accept that everything costs (i.e. there are tradeoffs - choose the ones most suitable to your core values and goals: seriously, this is RE 101)
  • set up and uphold boundaries (no matter the cost)
  • be prepared to cut toxic people out of one’s life
  • resist emotional blackmail
  • compartmentalize
  • be analytical
  • have a few select people whose judgement one can trust to turn to for advice, reality checks and the like, especially when one’s arsenal is about to run dry
  • forgive (which doesn’t automatically mean you’ll let the forgivee back into your life: in my book, forgiving someone should be about oneself)

For the past 15 years or so, none of my friends has questioned my motivation or goals, so far. And my friends are a pretty honest bunch, mind you. Of course, I’ve met detractors, over the years. And lots of saboteurs, as it were. They’re easily dealt with, though.

[/quote]

Fatty, I missed this last month, but want to say that you’ve written a very good post, and one with which I agree in its entirety.

40

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:
I think you should read more fiction.

I know it probably sounds a bit silly, but I’ve found some value in finding some sort of ‘kinship’ with certain characters, borrowing ideas from how they live their lives and their outlooks and so on. Secondly, fiction forces you to see the world through someone else’s eyes, which almost always helps with personal growth.

It doesn’t even have to be good fiction. I mean, if I were to recommend anything, I’d probably look into the Culture Series, or stuff by Charles Stross. Even the original James Bond books are a good read. Or Conan. They all just present completely different scenarios and outlooks, and frankly, most of the main characters involve overcoming obstacles and being at odds with the status quo, for one reason or another.

That’s not to say the books should substitute for friends or anything ridiculous like that.[/quote]

I agree with this and think that books make excellent friends. I believe they can also do a pretty decent job of parenting someone who is looking for a model to follow. I would like to think I have more in common in some regards with fictional characters whose warmth and integrity I admired than with my parents, though they are of course part of the mix as well.[/quote]

Comics are good.

I like to pretend Im Peter Parker. In training to became Spiderman.

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