T Nation

Squat Poem

Don’t know if you fellas ever read this, but its pretty humorous. My football coach had it in the weightroom in high school, and I haven’t seen it since. Just came across it.

Down the road, in a gym far away
A young man was heard to say,
"No matter what I do, my legs won’t grow!
He tried leg extensions, leg curls, leg presses too.

Trying to cheat, these sissy workouts he’d do!
From the corner of the gym where the big guys train,
Through a cloud of chalk and the midst of pain,
Where the big iron rides high, and threaten lives,
Where the noise is made with big forty-fives,
A deep voice bellowed as he wrapped his knees,
A very big man with legs like trees,
Laughing as he snatched another plate from the stack,
Chalked his hands and monstrous back,
Said, "Boy, stop lying and don’t say you’ve forgotten!

Trouble with you is you ain’t been SQUATTIN’!

Jeff Madden, UNC

I read this in my college’s gym. I have always remembered it.

From misc.fitness.weights

As I approached the throne of the great God Squat
My legs began to tremble and my face grew hot
I knew he was a difficult God to please
And that before him all must bend their knees

I quivered and I shook as I stood before the throne
For by his mighty power many weak legs had grown
His penetrating gaze was almost more than I could bear
So I bowed my head in a brief and silent prayer

The bar in his hands held many a blackened plate
Poised as if to crush me with their awesome weight
Slowly I approached as if this act would be my last
In my head I saw visions of memories from the past

As scenes from my life flashed within my mind
I realized that this God was neither benevolent nor kind
His purpose was to torture and inflict terrible pain
His excuse was that without these, there would be no gain

As the great God Squat placed the bar upon my back
My muscles began to twitch and my joints began to crack
“Bow down before me!” he screamed inside my head
As he laid his hand upon me I wished that I was dead

I screamed and cursed and pushed with all my might
Until my heart was pounding and my face turned white
My head was throbbing as stars burst inside my skull
My vision gew dimmer and my senses began to dull

No longer could I stand to bear this evil abuse
As slippery with sweat my grip began to loose
The bar refused to budge no matter how I tried
As I plunged to the depths and in agony I cried

As I staggered away from within his clutching grasp
My head was reeling and my breath came in a gasp
The heaving of my stomach could no longer be restrained
As I spewed upon the ground the contents that remained

Little did I realize that he hadn’t finished with me yet
As I gazed into his eyes he beckoned me for another set
It was there upon the floor that I knew at once within
That never again would I be able to live a life of sin

??? I’ve been at this for a fairly long time. I will say that squatting is usually one of those things that seperates most people. I’m training doggcrap right now (it’s alot like Mentzer’s training principals, which I’ve used in the past).

AAANyway, the idea of trying to take close to the heaviest weight you can handle and putting your body under it and pretending to sit up and down as many times as possible before the weight smashes your useless quivering nauseous body to the floor is something many do not trly know the joy of…I can see why poems would be written about it.

However I hope the poems on weightlifting end here.