T Nation

Someone please shoot me


#1

Here it is, the night before I take a test over my first two years of med school. I have all of this shit crammed in my brain, but I'm scratching my head because I have absolutely no clue what goes on in the female brain. I'm about to go off TonyG style, so if you share my confusion you can stop reading now.

Been with this girl for a year and a half, never cheated on her once. Plenty of chances but I didn't want to hurt her. We've had our rough times, but many more good ones. It had all the makings of a possible marriage, so after trying to get out of it for months I finally agreed to live with her. We live 3 hours apart and she's close with her family. So am I, but they're a little too close. As in, her parents started doing everything they could to keep her home when they found out two months ago.

As she is not a T Vixen (yet), she has caved in to their pressures and taken the easy way out: trying to get me to break up with her. I don't quit when shit gets a little rough. I haven't seen her in almost a month. It's been back and forth, I'm moving, I'm not moving. Finally I got fed up and said "fine, don't move here, you're still paying your half of the rent for the next 5 months." Now I'm the bad guy. It's now July 1 and we signed the lease on April 5. Still hasn't moved in. Over the course of the past 2 weeks, she's gone from wanting to mother my children to not sure what she wants to do because she's not happy, to wanting to break up. Not go on a break, not take some time apart, nada. Finito. At first I was kinda bummin cuz I've been looking forward to finally getting to hit it on a daily basis. JK, I really do love her and miss her. But eventually the T started flowing again and as my exam drew nearer, my stress levels also have risen.

It all came to a head today. I'm cramming my ass off cuz she has been fucking with my head for the past few weeks, telling me she's coming to talk, blah blah, and then her parents need her for some bullshit like planting flowers so she can't come. So yesterday I flipped on her, I told her how much of a spoiled little brat she is and how much I've done for her and her family, and now they're throwing me in the gutter. Where's the love? Anyway I'm studying and my landlord comes to the door. Says he just called her house and her dad answered, told him that she and her mother were on their way here. The day before my test. At that point, I was ready to blow a gasket. She couldn't be fucked to drive here to get her stuff any other day but right before my test. Why not while I wasn't home tomorrow morning? I'm like, ok now they wanna fuck with my head. I was so ready to unleash the fury on her and her mommy, but as soon as she walked in the door I instantly went from a raging T man psychopath to the world's biggest pussy. I've always been kind of a pig, but with her I'm a softie no matter how hard I try. I told her I wanted out a few times but I gave her second chances. But will she give living together a chance? Hell no, it's time to curl up into a ball and feel sorry for yourself.

Her mom stayed in the car for an hour and a half while we talked and she cried her eyes out. Tells me she thinks she might have made a bad decision and that she wants to think about it. Said she knew she couldn't do it when it came down to us face to face. Exact words were, "I knew I couldn't leave you." Yeah no shit, that's why you avoided seeing me for the past month. It's much easier to be full of shit over the phone. Anyway, I had all of her shit packed up and by the door. She tells me she wants to leave it here but her mom would get pissed cuz they drove all the way here. So you can see what's going on here by now. She then said that she'll be back in a few days with her stuff and all the rest of her things.

Can somebody throw me a frickin bone here? Like, what made her think that she could make herself fall out of love with me so the decision would be easier for her? Yeah, instead of having to leave the womb at age 23, I'll just sabotage my relationship so I won't have to make a tough decision. As if she didn't already make the decision when she signed the lease. I'm sure she knew deep down that when she came to our condo she wouldn't be able to leave something this good (me). That's probably why she put it off for so long. So my question is, is this girl crazier than normal or will she grow up when she grows a sac and moves out? I always believed in her until a few days ago, and now I'm just not sure.


#2

You should just bang some other girl, take some stress off ya.


#3

How many boyfriends has she had before? Is this a pattern? Is she just afraid to grow up and/or leave home?

Man, I salute your patience and tolerance for uncertainty. Id have thrown her to the curb far before that. On your side, are you still with her because you feel you cant have better elsewhere?

I know it`s not easy to judge when I cannot know all the story. Just trying to weed out the habitual patterns, and possibly unhealthy ones first.


#4

Cut your losses. THe girl i just got rid of was the same way with her parents. She started acting differently and i knew it was because of her parents. Get out now and find somebody grown up enough to handle a relationship. Thats what i just did. Its hard but doable.


#5

That's a tough one.

Of course it's highly difficult for anyone here to diagnose much seeing as how we are only hearing everything from one side and in written format, but i'll take a stab anyway.

I would say the thoughts you had at the end of your last paragraph are pretty close. Seems like she has some "im not grown up yet" and some other attachment issues to her family.
As a result of that, she seems quite scared to make the jump to "real life".
I imagine her reasoning behind doing the lease was to "force" herself to go through with the jump, and yet she still couldn't do it since her issues are keeping her where she feels safe.

I know you probably won't want to hear this, but I think I (course i'm not seeing her and so on) would just leave her be and move on. The sort of issues she has aren't fixed quickly, and sometimes never become resolved.
She may seem fine for a few years even, then "break" and regress back to them , say after you have kids or something. Then it's really a farked up mess.


#6

Girls. Um, yeah

Have fun on Step 1!!! :wink:


#7

I'm assuming shes in her mid-20's and if thats the case and shes still hanging around her parents like you described then I'd do whatever I can to get out and get out for good. Some of the worst girls are the ones that like to hang out with their friends (as a group) too much, thus, leaving little to no time for one on one. You have a similar situation on your hands there, except she isn't stuck to her friends, shes stuck to her parents. Which is just as bad.

If I were you, I'd just end it and try to forget her. Just like a Band-Aid, in one motion.

Relationships like this are just going to get worse down the road. Lets say you guys do fix things (for now). Lets say you also get married, everytime you guys get into a fight when you're married, shes going to want to go spend the night at her parents' house for the night just so she can "collect her thoughts." Pretty soon, you're gonna confront her about spending 3 outta 7 nights a week at her parents house, and that'll just make the situation worse and she'll then spend 5 outta 7 nights a week at her parents house. Next thing you know, you've separated. Then 6 months later, you're filing divorce papers. Don't go down that road, man.

Some emotional baggage is okay, even good for a marriage to help the couple think it out as one whole entity, but too much is just destructive.

I dunno if I helped at all, because I tried absorbing all you said and still tried to remember what your actual question was (it didn't work). So, what I said there was just the first things that came to my mind.


#8

You need to move on. People's perception of things while involved are different from reality. When breaking up you always want the easy way out and to have "understanding". Its like this; if it was meant to be, it would be. Give it some time and do you own thing and see what happens. Being in love sucks sometimes but you gotta get past it, this is clearly fucking with your head. Concentrate on the test and your future, don't worry about her and the past.

Good luck..


#9

Move on. She's not worth it.


#10

Do the right thing and get out as clean as possible. When it comes down to Family or Boyfriend, Family always wins. Try to step away as quick as possible and don't look back. The more you look back(or at her directly) the more you're going to remember the good times and forget about all the childish shit that happened. Just keep going to the gym, get all HYOOOGE, find a med-school T-Vixen and make this girl realize that Mommy and Daddy were wrong.


#11

move on bro. Once you get some distance from the situation you'll realize it was the right decision to cut it off.


#12

Ditch the bitch.

If she's still that attached to her parents that they are more important than you --forget it.

On the other hand if she's that great get her the hell away from the parents. (That's what I had to do with my wife. She thanked me later.)

Overall though I say ditch her.


#13

Before I finally took my Oath for the military service I spent 6 months chewing my brains off on wether I should do it. See, I KNEW the whole time joining was the best thing I could do and that Id Love it. I simply didnt sign right away because from the moment I raise my hand Id be BOUND.

It's called commitment paranoia. Her problem is not not lovin you - she's simply afraid of the commitment she made, of the shock of change, of leaving her comfort and familiar way of life, and, of course, thinking about what would happen if it didnt work out between you two and have to live together for 5 months. Most of all though, you can BET her indecision comes from signals she gets from her mother and her family. They dont have to say its a wrong decision - they just have to give her some signal like it may not be a bad idea but it isnt the best either. Am I making any sense here?

I personally would talk face to face with her and tell her that you know shes afraid because its a big change for her, because shes leaving her family and comfort zone,but that shell be able to see her family all the time, the onlly difference will be se can invite them to her own apartment. Ill bet these are the fears that are driving her down. You should tell her you understand she feels that way but that hey, your family is just a breath away and shell be with you.

Signed, Ann Landers (who else could give such great advice on love matters lol)

Sorry for the rather lame post, but I think I made a good point. Let me run in the bathroom and check to see if I still have my balls...


#14

The decision is ultimately yours alone. Not hers, cuz she has no clue what she wants. Youll be the one making it or breaking it.

Everyone else here is right though: She is obviously not mature enough to handle a serious relationship and is way too attached to her family. Shell have to grow up and Id bet shell have to do that without you. Im sure youd find someone just as good minus attachment issues.


#15

Run.

Fast.

"You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy"

~ Charles Manson


#16

She's stupid and I would want to slug her parents if I saw them for feeding her BS. Oh man am I foggy.... ate a cheat meal after a long day finished with leg day of OVT then passed out, got back up and read half your post.... sorry. Yeah she isn't right. I might go so far as to question her relationship with her parents- is it really that healthy or is there something else there? Is she sharing her relationship with you, with them? Thats messed up if she is....just wait, eventually when you get married it won't be her leaving to go stay with the parents, it'll be the parents staying with her! Then you will probably end up killing someone.


#17

Concentrate on school now, and only on school. If this girl is interfering with your school, you need to drop her, even if you lose your apartment deposit.

it sounds like there is a communication problem, I don't know if that is easy to solve, or something you should even be attempting during test times.

Don't let anything distract you from the task at hand. Your education is a sure thing, while this relationship is not.


#18

I know it's 5 am, but I gave up sleeping a while ago. Thanks for all the advice. Even though it's not what I want to hear, it's the same thing my friends have been telling me - lately. It just makes it weird to have people thinking about her negatively now, when part of the reason I love her is the way all of my family and friends think she's a great person. Or was a great person until the shit hit the fan. I keep telling myself that these are her true colors and that I can't be with someone who isn't able to go to bat for me, but I had what alcoholics call a moment of clarity last night.

I could go into detail about all of the passive-aggressive shady things her parents have done recently, but let me just say that if she doesn't wake up after this one, she never will. Everything was good after she left, we decided not only to stay together but she started thinking about moving again. As soon as she got home, her dad got in her face and told her that the landlord called and said she bounced two checks totaling 900 for may and june. Here's the thing: my landlord is a friend and actually gave her a legal document yesterday that says he will let her out of the lease 4 months early. It says that she is PAID through May (she gave him cash) and is only late for June. He said he would waive the 300 late fee, which he could go after her for but he's not, and did her a favor by holding a check she issued from june 1st. He held the check because I told him she might not be able to cover it and he was nice enough to repeatedly call the bank to check the funds, in order to avoid returned check fees. Why the hell would he say that she bounced 2 checks for 900 when he gave her something in writing an hour earlier that says something completely different?

Here's the clincher: she has it in writing and she never told her parents about it. Maybe when she realizes that her dad is making shit up to try to fuck with her, she will finally realize what's going on, get pissed off, and move out. I mean, why would she believe her dad, who frequently does things like this and blames it on going senile, over the landlord who has absolutely no reason NOT to explain to her dad how much of a favor he's doing her? The landlord actually laughed when I asked him if he told her dad that last night, he said "ok, now I see what you're dealing with here."

Here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to tell her that I refuse to talk about our situation over the phone because basically a whole month of bullshit could have been avoided if she would have tried to come down here and leave me in person (which she admitted she could not do). I'm also going to stop trying to make her see the obvious, that her parents are fucking with her, and see if she realizes it on her own. I'm only stooping to her parents level by always riding her with conspiracy theories. If she doesn't wake up now by realizing that I'm the good guys, she never will.

Lastly, I realized that everyone I know seems to think that I can handle anything, and because of that they can throw whatever they want at me and I'll take care of it. As if I have super powers that make me able to pass tests without studying for them. As if I don't really study, I just screw around on T mag all...wait that's true. Holy shit, how flattering. (joke)


#19

No one is worth this much trouble. Give her a choice. She can move in with you and you guys stay together or you break up. Give her 24 hours to decide. Yes or no. At least this way you can get an answer and kyou know either way.


#20

ScrubMD,
Man...I feel your pain literally! I'm not going to sit here and rant and rave about how she is not worth it and that you should just forget about her and move on. Cause, quite frankly...its not that simple right?? My ex and I broke up almost 6 months ago, and I STILL think about her everyday and I am still in love with her! It is so unbelievably hard to NOT think of her. I do understand where your friends and all these people here in the forum are coming from when they say that you should just move on and not think about her. But you know what? It's easier said then done sometimes! I know how you feel bro. It is soooooooooo frustrating. You have all these people telling you to do one thing, and yet your heart tells you to do another.

However, based on your situation....I would think the best thing to do in the altimatum (sp?). Your "issue" is a bit different than what mine was because it is bascially HER parents who are getting in the way. She is in a comfort zone and is scared to leave it. I like your idea of talking with her face-to-face. That is a MUST. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her how much you look forward to taking the next step in your lives together. Tell her that you understand how she feels and that you realize that she is scared, but also tell her that everything will be alright. You are there for each other and you will support each other. You will be each other's "rock" so to speak. If she truly loves you, than she will resolve her issues and move in.

It seems to me that you aren't willing to give up so easily and I totally respect that. She is worth fighting for am I correct??? But you must also realize, that if this last attempt to get her to move in doesn't work, than you are going to have to take the initial steps to move on. Does that make sense? But I do know where you are coming from. Its hard to just let go of something you love so much. I hope things work out for you. I really mean that. Keep us posted alright? Take care...Tony G