thought you guys would find this list pretty funny, it’s like somebody read my mind:
The Men’s List:
Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
*Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want us to answer, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
This woman thought she had it all figured out on her Maureenesque mindtrip (wait until you see the guy`s answer in part 2 ehehe).
Rules for Men (as written by wimmen)
Call.
Don't lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
Don't expect her to clean up after YOUR buddies have been over.
The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is tacky.
Unless she likes that sort of thing.
If you ARE going to get her lingerie, get her the kind of things SHE likes to wear - NOT what YOU'D like to see her in.
And for god's sake, get her size right. It's not THAT hard.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
If you don't want another mother, don't act like a child.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Don't buy the $9.99/dozen roses on the way home -- They tell her you are not only unimaginative, you're cheap.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
You are a capable adult. Don't feign incompetence around the house in some feeble attempt to get her to "do it for you".
Notice when the floor crunches beneath your feet. You too can learn to use a broom (or vaccuum).
Dishsoap is your friend.
Learn to clean in and around a toilet. Especially since YOU are the one who "misses" it.
Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Five O'Clock stubble has all the erotic qualities of sandpaper.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
You too, can learn to iron your shirts.
Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
Two words: clean socks.
Two MORE words: clean underwear.
Believe it or not, you're probably NOT more attractive when you're drunk.
Burping is not sexy.
Farting ceases to be funny after the 7th grade.
Making excuses for being an ass is bad. Learning how to admit you were wrong and apologize, is good.
Supportive is good. Patronizing is bad.
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
She might show more interest in YOUR hobbies if you genuinely show some interest in HERS.
"Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
"But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
Basic courtesy and respect for feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
The underwear your mother buys you is NOT sexy.
Think boxers.
Silk boxers.
Unless you have a GQ body. Then think French Cut. Silk French Cut.
Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
Don't expect HER to remember your mother's birthday or buy the gift.
Don't try to change the way she dresses.
Learn to dress yourself. Men's clothing comes in more colors than blue, black and grey, and more styles than t-shirts and jeans.
Her haircut is never bad.
Don't let your friends pick on her.
Don't ask her to fix your friends up with HER friends.
Call.
Don't lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
What about handcuffs?
If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
Of course! Just not her…
If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember
the zoo rules: No Petting.
Pettings not the problem. Its f…
The correct answer to “Do I look fat?” is never, ever “Yes.”
See (2)
Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
Ditto.
Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
Don’t worry. I never keep secrets!..
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Ok, then. I won’t tell her what I’m ordering for her.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
The question here, is however, being attentive to what?
The low neckline, or…
“Honey”, “Darling”, and “Sweetheart” are good. “Nag”,
“Lardass”, and “Bitch” are bad.
Ok. Got it sorted out now, my nagging Lardass.
Um… I got it the wrong way round again, didn’t I?
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
Kind of depends on what or where your slapping, doesn’t it?
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
hmph.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier,
or better in bed.
Again, see (2)
Her cooking is excellent.
Great! I love, errr, really well done steaks…
That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
My cooking taste like something buried under a cesspool for 200 years. That is an excuse to avoid it…
Dishsoap is your friend.
Engine grease is too.
Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap,
and warm does not equal clean.
I have a shower once a week, whether I need it or not.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
Buying her a beer does.
Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is
never going to end that conversation.
Answering it with “My other Girlfriend” won’t either.
Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
My cousins… He loves drag…
Two words: clean socks.
Yeap. Got myself a pair of those. I’m saving them for a special occasion.
Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when
you’re drunk.
Don’t be rediculous. That white nosed elephant joke always
cracks my mates up!
Burping is not sexy.
Neither is farting. Which would you prefer?
You’re wrong.
See (2)…
You’re sorry.
Yes. But I’ll still do it again, next time…
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool
car than you think she is.
Nonsense. Every babe loves to hear us guys talk about the new carberator
we’ve just installed. And the way my mate cleaned and rebored that 28 IDA
webber is just amazing. Using nothing but 90 proof, and his girls best
blouse, he managed to get out all the grease that was clogging the jets.
But you oughta see the way my brothers Rotery goes! He’s just modified
the exhaust into a freeflow system, with 4 cobies! He gets arounf another
30 horses from that one!
It’s hittin’ near supersonic now. We’re going to try retool the turbo.
It’s leaning out a little too much now at eight grand… The freeflows
creating a vacuum. When we get that down, boy, you wouldn’t believe it!
Hey! Wait! Where you going!
I’m really sorry, you know? (see 26)
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Mate! Did you see Jona Lomu on that last try!
Ran right through the Springboks defence!
They just couldn’t stop him!
I hear the wankers going to shift to league, soon, ya know…
Hey! Look, I said I’m sorry!
I’m not talking about cars any more, am I?
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any
awning in a single bound.
In that case, I’ve just gone up a weight at the gym. I’m benching about
140kg’s, now, you know.
Wanna see my biceps?
(Also another rendition of “Foreplay”)
“Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
See (29), above.
Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Of course it doesn’t. Just most of them.
Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
Yes. Every day of the month.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she
feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.
No means “Ask me again.”
Yes means “Lets not waste any time then”
Silence means she’s probably walked out on you again during your discourse
on cars…
“But, we kiss…” is not justification for using her toothbrush.
You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
Not a problem. Haven’t brushed my teeth in years.
Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
What? Alone at 11pm?
She should be at home in bed. My bed.
Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
But chivalry’s not as much fun as “chauvanism”
Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
Then remind her for the rest of the week about what a big favour you
did her.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t
act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Get your best friend to call her up for you.
Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
Unless you haven’t scored yet.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Until you’ve scored.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
Always avoid her father.
Think boxers.
“And the way Hollyfield threw that uppercut! Knocked Tyson clean out of the
game! Like a baby! What a match…
Hey! Where you going?”
Silk boxers.
Silk Boxers?
Is that what you call those pansy women boxers these days?
Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she
so-names.
As long as she remembers the day that George Foreman scored his first KO.
Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
Just get her to wear less.
Her haircut is never bad.
Just try and convince yourself that the “birds nest and mop” look is in.
Don’t let your friends pick on her.
Don’t let any other guys get near her.
Call.
collect.
Don’t lie.
See (2)
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.
The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in
the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either,
and it balances everything else.
Oh, no! I’d be in there with her, keeping up her spirits, by telling
her just what I was doing on the cars manifold for the first five hours
of labour…
