T Nation

Some things that are bugging me

I’ve been on vacation for two weeks now. I spent the first week in Toronto and am now in Nova Scotia visiting my parents where I will be until the middle of next week. Vacations have never been good for me. Usually I find myself visiting my family and almost without fail I am bored stiff within a few days and that’s when bad things start to happen. So far this time I seem to be spending most of my time sitting on the can reading, talking to my next door neighbour’s dog and even, get this, staying up all hours of the night looking for naked women on tv. Who does that?

Out of this malaise, I have determined that there are a number of things that are really bothering me. Perhaps it’s the lack of nudity tonight that’s got me more contemplative than usual or perhaps it’s just me trying to reach out and be more open, like I promised my girlfriend I would try to be, but I thought I’d share some of them with you.

  1. People with hair. This is really one of my biggest pet peeves. I don’t have much, so could you please not wave your big hairdo around me just to rub it in?

  2. Sunshine. It’s been raining for 7 days without stopping. I can’t even recall what sunshine looks like. If the sun came out I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d have to buy some sunscreen, maybe pick up a hat or something and clean off the patio furniture so I could sit outside. Too much work. You can keep your sunshine.

  3. Handling. What in the hell is handling? When I order Girls Gone Wild off some late night television commercial, they tell me I need to pay for shipping and handling. What exactly are they handing? The women in Girls Gone Wild? I don’t want them doing that. Leave the handling to me.

  4. Spike Lee bugs me. He’s so small and he talks too much. That bugs me.

  5. Mayonnaise. This really bugs me. Why don’t you just leave it off my food next time? Ever try to take mayonnaise off a sandwich? The bread tears and you have to get rid of the lettuce because you can’t get mayonnaise off lettuce. It just doesn’t work very well.

  6. Those Art Instruction Schools. I’m sure that these are the reason why there is so much bad art in the world and why your Aunt has a 9 foot painting of a lake with a mountain in her livingroom that she’s proud to tell you she picked up for $10 at an art sale in a hotel lobby. If you’re going to be an artist, I’m confident that your big break isn’t coming via an art aptitue test that you picked up from television. Find another hobby, please.

  7. At the grocery store when you’ve been waiting in line for what seems like hours and suddenly they open another checkout and the person at the end of your line gets to be first in the new line. That really bugs me

  8. People that urinate and stand there with their hands on their hips, like “hey, look at me, no hands!”. I don’t care to see that. In baseball that kind of behaviour would get you struck by a ball the next time up.

Okay, that’s just some of the bigger things that are bothering me. Feel free to add to my list.

Ants. They decide to attack some part of my house about this time every year. Last year it was the master bath. This year it’s the kitchen. These little bastards are unkillable.

That was funny. Here’s a novel idea - Why don’t you DO SOMETHING while on vacation?

"8. People that urinate and stand there with their hands on their hips, like “hey, look at me, no hands!”. I don’t care to see that. In baseball that kind of behaviour would get you struck by a ball the next time up. "

I guess they feel they have to show off somehow. It backfires though because it points out how small their penis is. Any decent sized one if not held directs the urine flow directly at your feet…or drags on the porcelain unless you use the little boy’s urinal.

  1. Left turns - Why the hell can’t people just make the damn turn. Is there any reason they need to sit there and stare at the arrow for 5 seconds before they go. And is there some type of 5 mph left turn speed limit that I’m not aware of? Are these people waiting for a boy scout to help them cross the other lane?

  2. People who don’t dress - What’s the deal with people feeling like they can just wear their pajamas or some other crappy knock around clothes to places like the airport or the store? The other day someone showed up to our office in a Jagermeister concert t-shirt and a pair of wind pants! I wouldn’t even wear that to the gym. This is not your bedroom so go home and put on some f-ing clothes.

  3. 8 year olds wearing “bling-bling” - Seriously, what the hell? I mean am I supposed to believe this punk wearing a necklace that I could use as a belt actually has a thriving rap career? Inevitably this kid will have some sort of white trash mother dragging him around your local WalMart.

  4. Carnies - Seriously…carnie? Who picks that as a career choice. Oh, and quit hitting on the 13 year olds, even though I’m sure they are impressed you’ll give them a few more spins on the ferris wheel.

  5. Dr. Scholls - If I ever find that guy I’m going to beat him down and then pull his bloody face off the ground and say “I bet you ain’t so gellin’ now are you bitch!”

  6. Wellstone supporters - Yeah, if you’re in Minnesota, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Finding a t-man with one of those bumberstickers is harder than finding a carnie with a GED. He was a hippy senator, not the second coming or close personal friend. In fact, you never met him. He’s dead, get over it.

  7. Powerwalkers - I was walking down a trail late last night and we stopped to look at something. Out of nowhere this powerwalker just about body checks me as apparently I didn’t give him enough of the trail. Then he has the audacity to turn around and look at me like I was the idiot. Seriously, go back to listening to your Enya tape before I come over there and beat down your scrawny ass.

  8. People who don’t see motorcycles - You’re going to get me killed someday.

  9. Information about you e-mails - Quit sending me these. I don’t care what your favorite 1970’s TV show or where you were when you got your first was. I’m not going to respond and no, I’m not afraid that something bad will happen to me because of it.

  10. Hippies - These people just annoy me. Bush is Hitler, Chenny is Hitler, Powell is Hitler…everyone is Hitler except for the guy with a moustache in a berret that kills and tortures his own people (copyright Dennis Miller). Hippies, you’re clueless bastards. And if you talk about those sixteen words, let me remind you of eleven others: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinski.” So sit down and shut up.

The word ‘ubiquitous.’

Who the hell uses this word anyways? I could just picture some dipshit sniveling hippy trying to act like he has a cold when hes really trying to suck the crack back up into his brain saying this word.

(With nasaly, hippy pompousness)
“And I truly believe that the US is ubiquitously trying to be the cool guy buy sending money to South Africa and saying that they’re not the devil. When they’re ubiquitously the great satan.”

White Flags and Cheese.

God, do those things hate me. I just cant agree with them.

People who must veer right in order to make a left turn. Tell me, are you going to hit something if you just…TURN LEFT right away? Or are you just consciously trying to tie up all traffic behind you while you finish your chat with your passenger, take your time looking for traffic - and take extra time when no cars are on the horizon - call somebody on the cell phone, check your map/directions, and drink your coffee, ALL at the same time?

For fucks sake buddy. JUST. TURN. SIMPLE. UNCOMPLICATED.

People who need all 3 lanes of oncoming traffic to be clear so that they can turn into the farmost right lane.

My entry is a little different: wounds that don’t heal.

I’ve got a dog bite from March and IV marks from May that are still noticeable. I wish they’d fucking disappear already.

People who look out, not for other people, but for the cops before deciding to adopt asshole dangerous driving behavior.

Example, the guy slows down to 15 mph speed to make his stop (read:turn). He did his cop check search 30 feet before that. Wonder how this works well when you are in a street with homes on both sides until the intersection. Does he see through homes on both sides?

People who wait at the cashier line with you for some time and, instead of preparing their money and pennies, use their waiting frustration to justify themselves to return the favor (make others wait). I am sure they get a kick out of it. Makes no sense, logistically speaking.

People who don’t know what a turn signal is. The lever on the left side of the steering wheel is not a eject switch or a self-destruct button.It’s to let me know how to get out of your way. I’m to the point now that I don’t believe them when I see them.


HYPOCRISY - The ubiquitous use of it.
(wink + tongue sticks out ;p )

Here, we have a talk radio (mostly talk) that whines and bitches about hypocrisy year in year out.

Example: Banning sponsoring of events by tobacco companies (sounds nice politically) AND still let them sell the products. Call it hypocrit or not. In the facts, publicity or not, tobacco is not outlawed, banned, and people still buy it and still suffer/die from it, publicity or not. Nice political spin maneuver, though, eh?

Guess what, talk-radio dumbass. If people cant even agree, worldwide, one the definition of even one simple <u>word</u> like peace, they wont be better with phrases or abstracts in action.

And, anyway, in these types of discussions, I like to remember Gene Simmons` view of things:

When people point fingers, stop and ask yourself what (personal goal) agenda are they pushing?

All of that into consideration

  • my lifetime experience
  • the fact thats every-for- himself-fuck-the-consequences- on-the-others-and-the-future-I-wont-cut- my-standards-of-living-for you (animal) in his behavior patterns (Doubting Thomases: never listen to what is said, look at what is done).

= I now expect hypypocrisy to be the norm and classify common sense from the masses as wishful thinking, a nice idea to talk about, I have a dream (no link to the speech, just the idea) type of thinking.

Sorry for downgrading my expectations of the masses. Citizens of the world, you forced me to come to that conclusion by your behaviour. Luckily, exceptions exist. Whew! =0)

In short, large scale, hypocrisy is what the other guy does.


Morning formation - gotta drag my ass out of bed at 5:30 just to do some lame ass “physical training” which usually consists of a few push ups, sit-ups, various 10 second stretches, and more pointless crap. Thankfully, my gym is less than 10m from my door.

Also, the lack of women AND a squat rack in my gym, I have to put the bar on the pegs that hold plates on the back of a smith machine while everyone looks at me like I’m a complete moron.

PMCSing my humvee. Imagine having to check and fill all the fluids in your car before you go to work in the morning, and check every single nut and bolt on the undercarriage. In addition, you have to go to the mechanic every 3 days to dispatch your vehicle…

Stupid Lieutenants who don’t listen to their Sergeants because they have a college degree.

I could go on and on…