I’ve been on vacation for two weeks now. I spent the first week in Toronto and am now in Nova Scotia visiting my parents where I will be until the middle of next week. Vacations have never been good for me. Usually I find myself visiting my family and almost without fail I am bored stiff within a few days and that’s when bad things start to happen. So far this time I seem to be spending most of my time sitting on the can reading, talking to my next door neighbour’s dog and even, get this, staying up all hours of the night looking for naked women on tv. Who does that?
Out of this malaise, I have determined that there are a number of things that are really bothering me. Perhaps it’s the lack of nudity tonight that’s got me more contemplative than usual or perhaps it’s just me trying to reach out and be more open, like I promised my girlfriend I would try to be, but I thought I’d share some of them with you.
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People with hair. This is really one of my biggest pet peeves. I don’t have much, so could you please not wave your big hairdo around me just to rub it in?
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Sunshine. It’s been raining for 7 days without stopping. I can’t even recall what sunshine looks like. If the sun came out I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d have to buy some sunscreen, maybe pick up a hat or something and clean off the patio furniture so I could sit outside. Too much work. You can keep your sunshine.
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Handling. What in the hell is handling? When I order Girls Gone Wild off some late night television commercial, they tell me I need to pay for shipping and handling. What exactly are they handing? The women in Girls Gone Wild? I don’t want them doing that. Leave the handling to me.
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Spike Lee bugs me. He’s so small and he talks too much. That bugs me.
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Mayonnaise. This really bugs me. Why don’t you just leave it off my food next time? Ever try to take mayonnaise off a sandwich? The bread tears and you have to get rid of the lettuce because you can’t get mayonnaise off lettuce. It just doesn’t work very well.
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Those Art Instruction Schools. I’m sure that these are the reason why there is so much bad art in the world and why your Aunt has a 9 foot painting of a lake with a mountain in her livingroom that she’s proud to tell you she picked up for $10 at an art sale in a hotel lobby. If you’re going to be an artist, I’m confident that your big break isn’t coming via an art aptitue test that you picked up from television. Find another hobby, please.
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At the grocery store when you’ve been waiting in line for what seems like hours and suddenly they open another checkout and the person at the end of your line gets to be first in the new line. That really bugs me
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People that urinate and stand there with their hands on their hips, like “hey, look at me, no hands!”. I don’t care to see that. In baseball that kind of behaviour would get you struck by a ball the next time up.
Okay, that’s just some of the bigger things that are bothering me. Feel free to add to my list.