T Nation

So... I'm Depressed


#1

Killing myself seems somewhat appealing right now.

Situation:
I am in law school (I know many of you will think that that is a good reason to kill yourself in general). Here is the thing. I am mediocre at just about everything. I get mediocre grades, date mediocre women (more on that in a bit), have no summer employment prospects (important for law students), I am only occasionally funny, somewhat good looking, I can't put on mass, I overthink everything, I am not very social and as such have few friends.

Oh, and did I mention I am somewhere in the ballpark of $50k in debt now due to law school in a saturated market. It could be worse right? I could suck at everything and have no friends. I could be a paraplegic or have a traumatic brain injury.

Recently, a girl I was seeing has started give me the "slow fade", as it has been recently described to me. Basically, she stopped being in the mood for sex, started only hanging out if it was on her terms, at her place, etc. I am 94% sure she has her eye on another guy, and this guy...wait for it...has better grades, a $2000/week job this summer, and (I guess--I haven't met the dude) quite funny.

I'm upset that I lost the girl, of course. Mostly, because relationships are one of the few things I always kicked ass in and this is one thing to add to my "I'm not as good as I thought list"; however, it also forces the realization that outside of your family, people only like you for the value you bring into their lives. Which basically relegates me to being either a mediocre friend to great people or a great friend to mediocre people.

I have ADHD. It's not really an excuse, because I know I am a lazy bitch, but it effectively describes the manner in which I am a lazy bitch.

For the first time, in law school, I set my mind on a goal that I really, deeply wanted to achieve. And I still failed. Not only did I fail, but I don't even think, deep down, I really tried. I fucked around a bunch on my computer and spent plenty of time in the library, and bought all of the supplements and blew my friends off, but I cannot in good conscience say that I tried. I was looking for the shortcut while I dicked around and distracted myself.

When I was a kid I was always told that "Suicide is a long-term solution for a short term problem." I always liked how that was put. Looking at depressed people I could never really understand why the were so mopey. I guess I always chalked it up to some degree of irrationality. After all, there were always way worse people out there, and if they just got their shit together they could easily improve their situation in live.

Now, I'm starting to understand where they're coming from. It's not that their situation was bad or worse, it's that their situation was without hope. If I was rock fucking bottom and had really always been there, I don't think it would be such a big deal. I would just focus on doing as well as I could to improve my situation and, sure there are people that are better than me, but basically anything I did would be a tremendous success.

In my case, it is the fact that believed I was a highly intelligent, athletic, talented person who just needed a kick in the rear and the right motivation to succeed. But I was raised to believe that I am special and that I could do anything if I set my mind to it. Now it is like waking from a dream and realizing that I really am average. I really am just another ho-hum guy. My identity is dead.

And with that, my life is left without real meaning or purpose. Suicide is not an irrational decision at all. It is accepting that you are really already dead, and that living the sort of half life that comes after your identity is shattered is unbearable suffering.

Well...I never thought I had it in me to write such ridiculously emo bullshit. I'm not really sure if this is a cry for help or what. Just holding my own little personal pity party.

Anyway, on to a subject which I suspect you will find much more entertaining--what do you think is the best way to go if you were off yourself? Gun seems most appealing as it has the highest rate of success, but it leaves an awful mess and the less I have to upset my family the better.

Don't worry guys. I'm not killing myself just yet. So mods no need to block this thread or anything. Just doing my emo whining in public. And yeah, I probably won't post here again, because even if I don't kill myself, I will be way to embarrassed to post after this shit.


#2

What's wrong with being average?


#3

Read this, then tell me you still feel like dying.

http://tnation.T-Nation.com/free_online_forum/music_movies_girls_life/girlfriend_was_in_a_bad_accident


#4

Stuff like this really bothers me, from a person who has had very intimate dealings with suicide and depression and the scourge that it is, a post like this seems that you are trivializing how horrible a situation it is and how serious of an affliction it is.


#5

Sounds like you need some help mate.


#6


Could be worse bro, time to pick up the pieces and forget about what's done. There's always a new road to take, new doors to open ect.


#7

Depression is serious shit, bro. Get some help. And from what you've posted, the ONLY reason you've not achieved the success you feel you're entitled to is because you've fucked around on the internet and not done the work. That's not a reflection on your intelligence, just poor study habits - something that is EASILY rectified. 50K in student loans AIN'T SHIT.

The WORST CASE scenario with that is that if you don't get a job right out of college, and you can't afford the payment, DON'T PAY. I mean you can't shit money, right? It won't fuck up your credit THAT bad - certainly not enough to ever keep you from fixing it. Now as soon as you GET a job, call Sally Mae and get back on a payment plan and make it right. But I assure you, there are a lot of people graduating with no job that are going to end up defaulting.

If you need a place to intern, try interning at a company in Washington DC - there are a SHIT TON of firms here that always need interns. Expand your circle. Network. It CAN be done.

Regarding the girl, c'mon! All pussy is replaceable.

I think that you'd be surprised if you knew the number of people who, at one point or another in their lives, contemplated suicide (my self included). Believe me, life can kick you in the nuts and knock you down. It's easy to sit there and feel sorry for yourself, and if you have to be selfish and wallow in it for a while, do what you've got to do.

But EVENTUALLY, you need to lift your skirt and grab your nutz and get the fuck back up. The stress from school and everything MAY have you to the point where you might need medication to help you do that. I don't know. But do what you have to to take care of yourself.

As far as being embarrassed to post here again, don't be. If you show a little courage and come back and tell us how you got it back together, MOST of us (the one's that matter) would respect you more for it. Sure, you may get a few ass-hats telling you to put it in your own pooper or whatever silly shenanigans are the latest fad, but who gives a fuck about their opinion? Men judge other men by their JOURNEY (putting one foot in front of the other in the face of adversity), not by the highs and lows.

Good luck.


#8

'You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails' - Blackbeard the (Philosopher) Pirate


#9

I don't know much to say to help but that you seem to know what your problems are and that's good. I mean that you're not in much denial at all...quite the opposite! Don't be so hard on yourself.
Just be careful not to keep writing down or verbalizing these negative thoughts as that would likely reinforce them.


#10

I think its all relative, my man. He already acknowledged the fact that it can be worst but still can't shake this off. The reason being is that he just lost a big part of himself. He probably though he was superman his whole life but now realizes that he is just a mere mortal like everyone else. It reminds me of yesterday when I heard that some players of the miami heat were crying after losing to the bulls( there 4th straight loss) WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY CRYING? they have millions of dollars and hot ass women on their nuts but they are probably depressed as fuck because they were suppose to destroy the NBA but instead are losing and being booed everywhere they go.

To the OP, Nothing stays the same forever. I'm sure there were other times where you wanted to kill yourself but didn't do it and things got better over time and are now a stronger person for it. The same thing is gonna happen here. You are gonna overcome this and look back at this situation and say, "wow that wasn't that bad" But you can't do it right now cause its too soon. It's like when a person loses an arm or leg. Initially, they want to kill themselves but after a while they begin to enjoy life again. Obviously this an extreme example and you're no where near as bad but the same thing applies.

You need to go through hard times like these so you can appreciate the good ones. You thought it was gonna be easy?lol fuck no. Nothing in life is easy.. If it was, we would all commit suicide! lol

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=manly_suicide

MADDOX here will show you how to kill yourself like a man.lol but seriosuly hang in there..thats pretty much all you have to do.


#11

oops... i was responding to mattyxl.


#12

Your right nomorewar and I was possibly being too harsh and a wee bit self righteous...I shouldnt be the one to judge what and what shouldnt lead a person to to even consider something as horrendous as suicide...my bad OP.


#13

feeling your situation is desperate is just anxiety, everyone has anxiety just at different degrees, and sometimes it gets quite irrational.

if it feels hopeless there's nothing wrong with looking into medication, quality of life is important.


#14

A sign of our times maybe. We don't seem to have any real purpose or direction, we are bombarded with images of what we should be or have or do etc and yet the majority of us will just hang in there. Find some things in this world that make you happy, even if its not much.

Respect yourself, as mediocre as you may seem you deserve to give yourself a shot at this life. Maybe the reasons for why you are here or why you have dealt these cards ain't apparent but someday they will be. I don't mean to get philosophical on your ass and I doubt anyone is gonna give you some life changing advice but even that guy with the 2k salary will get depressed and bitch and moan at his life.

We all have demons we need to fight, maybe we won't have the same battle scars like the gladiators of before but if you hang in there and fight for who you are and what you stand for you will look back one day at this phase in your life and smile.

Chin up soldier.


#15

90% of guys who have lived a little have been where you are right now and the others are just lucky. If you've been brought up wrapped in cotton wool well thats a double edged sword.

Things will get better, tough it out for those who love you if not for your self.

...and dont stop posting!


#16

I don't know, I kind of agreed with your first statement. I was with the OP all the way up until the end when for "entertainment" he asked about how you would off yourself. That right there did not sit well with me at all.

OP, there is no shame in asking for help even if you don't know exactly why you need it. There are always going to be people who will help you. It might not seem that way now, but chances are people have no idea you are even struggling.

Its really hard when dealing with all that pain to become vulnerable and seek assistance. I know. I was there for a long time. That's what eventually pushed me over the edge; feeling like no one cared enough to take notice that I was losing it.

Just please don't trivialize something that has demolished families. Ideation is very dangerous and will only lead you further into the abyss. It starts to become the one thing you have "control" over and you can very easily get sucked in by that comfort. The moment a plan starts forming it is time to get help. IMMEDIATELY.

Find the worth in yourself to fight harder. Know that you deserve happiness. My guess is that everything always came easy for you so you never really had to work hard to achieve. Now the rules have changed. Don't fall behind. Like AC said, if you need a week or so to wallow and lick your wounds, do it. But, set a date on the calendar that you are going to change at least one thing about your life. Even if it is something simple, take a step. The next week, take another one. Don't become overwhelmed by the need to be "fixed" tomorrow. Breathe and tackle each hurdle one at a time.

Good luck and please check in.


#17

Good post, you should be a motivational speaker.


#18

Law school will do that to you. Especially in our oversaturated industry, it sucks syphilitic monkey balls to not be top 10%, law review, and have BigLaw throwing benjamins at you. Then it's all compounded by the fact that your mediocrity (as compared to all the great exam writers outranking you) will resign you to a life of indentured-fucking-servitude to Sallie-Bitchass-Mae.

I can relate to your situation. I came from undergrad the smartest mofo they'd ever seen, into a law school where most people were as smart if not smarter. It took me down a peg, for sure. But it passes. I got a semi-decent gig after passing the bar. It isn't BigLaw, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Classmate of mine who did go BigLaw posts on FB how much he hates work and has turned into a bona fide alcoholic as a result. His story isn't all that unique. The upshot is that Biglaw isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Anyway, coming from someone who's been there, there are 2 books you NEED to read.
Mindset, The New Pschology of Success by Carol Dweck (this book cuts right to the heart of why law students develop these inferiority complexes, and how to fix it)
Guerrilla Tactics for Getting the Legal Job of Your Dreams (if you haven't already. Methods to get where you want to be in your job search, which will give you concrete things to do and HOPE that things can get better)


#19

Get yourself a therapist IMMEDIATELY and tell them what you are feeling. You need help.


#20

Yeah SP, that is what definitely bothered me about the OP's statement. The idea of suicide and the mere mention of it is something I take uber-seriously, and my original statement was generally a retort to the ending statement. With nomorewar's post it made reconsider my post and look at OP's post on a whole. I would hate to tell someone my problems with mental illnesses and then have someone whom I donâ??t know tell me basically to STFU, so its why I took it back.