Killing myself seems somewhat appealing right now.
I am in law school (I know many of you will think that that is a good reason to kill yourself in general). Here is the thing. I am mediocre at just about everything. I get mediocre grades, date mediocre women (more on that in a bit), have no summer employment prospects (important for law students), I am only occasionally funny, somewhat good looking, I can’t put on mass, I overthink everything, I am not very social and as such have few friends.
Oh, and did I mention I am somewhere in the ballpark of $50k in debt now due to law school in a saturated market. It could be worse right? I could suck at everything and have no friends. I could be a paraplegic or have a traumatic brain injury.
Recently, a girl I was seeing has started give me the “slow fade”, as it has been recently described to me. Basically, she stopped being in the mood for sex, started only hanging out if it was on her terms, at her place, etc. I am 94% sure she has her eye on another guy, and this guy…wait for it…has better grades, a $2000/week job this summer, and (I guess–I haven’t met the dude) quite funny.
I’m upset that I lost the girl, of course. Mostly, because relationships are one of the few things I always kicked ass in and this is one thing to add to my “I’m not as good as I thought list”; however, it also forces the realization that outside of your family, people only like you for the value you bring into their lives. Which basically relegates me to being either a mediocre friend to great people or a great friend to mediocre people.
I have ADHD. It’s not really an excuse, because I know I am a lazy bitch, but it effectively describes the manner in which I am a lazy bitch.
For the first time, in law school, I set my mind on a goal that I really, deeply wanted to achieve. And I still failed. Not only did I fail, but I don’t even think, deep down, I really tried. I fucked around a bunch on my computer and spent plenty of time in the library, and bought all of the supplements and blew my friends off, but I cannot in good conscience say that I tried. I was looking for the shortcut while I dicked around and distracted myself.
When I was a kid I was always told that “Suicide is a long-term solution for a short term problem.” I always liked how that was put. Looking at depressed people I could never really understand why the were so mopey. I guess I always chalked it up to some degree of irrationality. After all, there were always way worse people out there, and if they just got their shit together they could easily improve their situation in live.
Now, I’m starting to understand where they’re coming from. It’s not that their situation was bad or worse, it’s that their situation was without hope. If I was rock fucking bottom and had really always been there, I don’t think it would be such a big deal. I would just focus on doing as well as I could to improve my situation and, sure there are people that are better than me, but basically anything I did would be a tremendous success.
In my case, it is the fact that believed I was a highly intelligent, athletic, talented person who just needed a kick in the rear and the right motivation to succeed. But I was raised to believe that I am special and that I could do anything if I set my mind to it. Now it is like waking from a dream and realizing that I really am average. I really am just another ho-hum guy. My identity is dead.
And with that, my life is left without real meaning or purpose. Suicide is not an irrational decision at all. It is accepting that you are really already dead, and that living the sort of half life that comes after your identity is shattered is unbearable suffering.
Well…I never thought I had it in me to write such ridiculously emo bullshit. I’m not really sure if this is a cry for help or what. Just holding my own little personal pity party.
Anyway, on to a subject which I suspect you will find much more entertaining–what do you think is the best way to go if you were off yourself? Gun seems most appealing as it has the highest rate of success, but it leaves an awful mess and the less I have to upset my family the better.
Don’t worry guys. I’m not killing myself just yet. So mods no need to block this thread or anything. Just doing my emo whining in public. And yeah, I probably won’t post here again, because even if I don’t kill myself, I will be way to embarrassed to post after this shit.