T Nation

Single mom update

Thanks again to everyone who offered words of support and encouragement. After much convincing he decided to tell our daughter that he is leaving for the army on April 8th (just 3 days after her b-day).

I asked her how that made her feel and she, with maturity beyond her 6 short years, replied by saying that it makes her proud of her daddy. I also asked her if she understood how long daddy was going to be gone and she did not really grasp it.

Supposedly he has already been told that he should expect to be deployed as soon as he finishes his job training. Also to be prepared to be gone for approx. a year. I do not take everything he says to be 100% honest as he has exaggerated the truth on numerous occassions in the past.

New dilema…he leaves on the 8th her b-day is the 5th and I already have a trip to Disneyland planned and paid for. We are leaving on the 4th and not returning until the 12th. Should I change my reservations or just let him spend time with her before we leave for Disneyland?

Change reservations till later, let him spend time with her- save money not paying his way to D-land.



Rough choice.But IMHO, I’d continue on with everything as planned.One large disruption is enough for a kid.Changing things may add to her stress.I’m sure dad would want to spend the time with her,but that may cause a build up of anxiety for the child,and at this time,she is whats most important.

Go to Disney as planned. Too much disruption already and I’m sure you don’t want to “take away” the trip from her. Even if you explained to her that you would still be going a week later. A week seems like a year to a child.
Remember when summer seemed forever?
You could both probably use some R&R.

Go ahead and go, he can say goodbye just as well on the 4th. Give him plenty of time with her before the trip because they will both be missing each other alot over the next year. Make sure he writes her, and that she knows she can write or send him pictures, too.

I live about 500 miles from my daughter, something’s that help us are:

  1. Frequent phone calls ( I know this may not be an option )
  2. She has a scrap book with pictures of she and I, and we add a new section every time she comes to see me, or on her birthday, or other time we spend together.
  3. Her mother makes sure there are plenty of pictures of me in my daughters room.
  4. She loves to get things in the mail from me, so I send her a little package or just something at least once a month.

For everything to work out, her mother and I both have to do our parts, no matter how hard I try, I could not have as close a bond as I do without my ex’s help. I hope your daughters father is willing to do his part, as you are obviously doing yours. It takes a lot of effort on both sides.

I have already offered to let him spend as much time as he can with her before he leaves. Yet he has no interest. For example, I had to work on President’s day and asked if he would like me to drop her off to spend the day with him since he was off, and he refused. He said he had plans with his friends. I am still going to offer but his responses really disappoint me.

you need to find out if he wants to spend a lot of time with her before he leaves. for all we know, you could change your plans and he ends up only spending a few hours with her.

on that same note, ask her what she wants to do. its really up to her.

I feel for you…I was away from my daughter for the first 2yrs. of her life when I was active in the Marines…Hell when I got state side I decided to get out (hard because I wanted to make a career of it) because I wanted to see my child grow up…Now you couldn’t pry me away from her…She’s only 5 but she knows she is the only woman who will ever have her daddy wrapped…What Im getting at is do your thing let him do his…trust me when he is away from everything he thought he had his wholee perspective on life will change and perhaps he will start to cherish his relationship with his child…By the way its key like was said before for you and him to get along no matter how hard it is for her sake…it makes it allot easier on the child and hell me and my ex are better friends now then we ever were…

Ericka, if he has no intreast in then screw him, go to Disney, and he’s an ass. He won’t last in the military with that aditutude. And if you want when he calls from basic you should just hang up on him ;). I know thats cruel. But, the boy needs to be a man and step up to his resposibilities. And take care of the family (at least the child in this case) divorced or not.

In Health,

Silas C.

Take your trip,don’t dissapoint your daughter.Besides, he doesn’t sound like he is all that interested.

It reallt bother me that he dissed her on President’s Day. I’m glad your still offering him the time with her though. Maybe it pains him a little under the surface that he’s leaving her for a year, but if he sucks it up it’ll be better on the both of them.

“I have already offered to let him spend as much time as he can with her before he leaves. Yet he has no interest.”

One more reason for you to tell the child support authorities where he is going. This is the proverbial red flag.

Go to Disneyland. I’m sure your daughter knows that you have that planned. It would be a bigger disappointment to her not to go to Disney. Let Him say goodbye to her and spend what time he wants before then. If your daughter has a hard time after saying goodbye to her daddy, the trip to Disneyland will take her mind off of it. Just Go and Have A great time with her. She deserves it.

“I have already offered to let him spend as much time as he can with her before he leaves. Yet he has no interest.”

You answered your own question E. Don’t eat too much cotton candy.

Erica, I was just going to give some suggestions that have worked for my daughter and I and not give any advice on taking your trip; however, after reading your response, I think you should take the trip. If you cancel the trip, your daughter does not get to go to disneyland, and her father may decide to spend his time with his friends, so your daughter looses twice. Take her to disneyland. You can only do so much if he is not going to do his part.