I dont even know why I'm posting. I know what I need to do deep down. I just want to vent.
My life sucks right now. I'm working for my dad and am miserable just about every day. I feel like I am missing all motivation to do the right thing. I wake up late. Today I woke up at 7:00 when I would like to be waking up at 4. I havn't seriously lifted since school last April. Shortly after I got out, I went to work and havn't really gotten back into the groove of making progress since.
Because I keep fucking up my dad is constantly on my ass. Every minuite of every day. Especially lately. I have moved back in with him since I quit my old job. Back into my old room, just like I am a little kid again. Im 18, and more than anything I want people to take me seriously, I feel like all these adults that I see on a daily basis treat me like shit. Give me directions/instructions two or three imes over before they shut the fuck up.
When my dad is around his new girlfring (PROLLY BIGGEST REASON I WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE) he talks down to me. I mentioned to him the other day what he thought about me taking a job somehwere in town (fire dept or something so I would still have time to work for him) he didnt seem to into the idea. I think he wants me to stay but goddammit. I dont talk like a fucking child, you dont have to tell me shit over and over ten times before i understand. I listen the first time. I feel undercut.
And on top of taht, EVERYONE AROUND ME IS DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT! family is always off in town fucking around, im left here to watch over the business, it doesnt really bother me taht i dont get to go....but all the time they are doing what they want, I amd WORKING and not LIFTING. It seems like i have no time left. I am always running around like a jackass figuring things out. Nobody takes me seriously dad treats me like a kid.
Im trying to make myself grow up. have bad self esteem problems, physically unfit, small, skinny, angry, cant do nothing about it but just keep working. I walk into any place where there are other ppl. Immediatly feel inferiour to everybody in the room. But i fake it when I talk to them. Shake big mens hands, talk loud, so they know who i am. Still doesnt make me FEEl any better deep down. even though they know.
Godammit this isnt makeing any sence but I dont care. Fuck it. Im going to wake up tomorrow to work and hopefully lift weights tomorrow after work even though it will do not a damn bit of good. Fuck spelling errors. Goodnight.