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Should I tell her...

OK here’s my story. I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for more than 2 years now. We have lived together for the last year, and our relationship is very strong. I live a very busy schedule and she does too. We make as much time as we can for each other but sometimes it’s just not enough. I work 75 hours per week, (2 jobs) I am a full time student, and I train on a 5 on 1 off split. I leave for waork at 5:30am and return home at 10:00pm Monday through Saturday, and Sunday I’m home after 6:00pm. All that aside, we have a good relationship. This winter I took a mini-mester class and had a really hard time with it. The cutest girl just happened to sit next to me and she pulled an “A” on the first two tests which I out right flunked. So asked her for some tutoring. So she began helping me inbetween classes or even after class we’d sit a dinner and have coffee and get in some studying. Well besides being completely attracted to her, (she is a soccer player with the nicest pair of legs I’ve ever seen.) I began to be really interested in her. I wanted to know her. She is a Bio major with a GPA through the roof, but still an athlete, but not butch, and yet completely feminine. So as you can imagine I really started falling for her, but even after we’d finish studying I’d head home to this great girl whom I love and had been dying to see me.

So now there’s the issue. On this hand, the great girlfriend who I have built a life with, and this other incredible person who I could see myself building a life with. Big problem. So I attempted to strt to distance myself from the other girl. It didn’t work I began to miss her and she let me know that she was missing me too. (I neglected to tell her I had a girlfriend.) Soo then it got a little more serious when she leaned in to kiss me and I went right to it. Then each time we’d me it’d go a bit further. 1st base, 2nd base you name it. Then I’d go home each night and feel like shit. The day I decided I was going to come clean and break it off with her before it went too far, it happened. We were getting a bit heated in my SUV and she began going down on me. The guilt was present but very distant. I reciprocated her favor and before you know it I’m on top of her… big time problem. I can’t get it in! So after what seemed like an eternity I penetrated and what she felt was anything but pleasure. I went home as usual, and jumped in the shower to discover that I was covered in blood. The next day she informed me that I was her first. That ate at me for three days and I contemplated the situation and I decided that I fucked up and that I was not willing to give up my girlfriend. So I finally told the girl that I was a complete smuck, and that I had a girlfriend and it tore me apart. I could even look her in the eyes. She desered so much better then the way I did her. I broke that poor girl. I must have had some true feelings though because it killed me to hurt her. Now back to myquestion. If I know that I fucked up and I want to stay with my girlfriend, most likely forever. Should I tell her. I have gotten a mix of replies to this question. I could get away with her never knowing, but should I tell her. Be a man and come clean. Face the consequences even if it means lose her. Should I do it so close to V-Day? We are planning a 5 day romantic getaway. Should I tell her before or after or never. Fellow T-men, please help me out.

Tell her, apologize (if you mean it), and hope she doesn’t dump you. You’ll need to EARN her trust back, but it may happen. Good luck. You’re gonna hear a lot of people telling you to shut up about it, but if you plan to marry your girlfriend you shouldn’t have a secret like that. On another note, are you sure that girl was telling the truth? Cause if you are not a million percent sure you better get tested. Was she on the pill, did you use protection? You may be a dad. Take a dose of harsh reality here, own up to your mistakes, clear the air with both women, and good luck.

Asshole!

Well you thought with your dick rather than your heart and brain. Many of us would kill to have a devoted partner like you seem to have. But I dont know your situation, so I cant comment there. Would I tell your GF. Hell no. What it will do is bring you relief and nothing but pain to the GF. In this case Id suck it up and keep quiet. Make sure that the GF and the other chick NEVER cross paths. When that class is over try not to run into the other woman again. And suck up the pain in your heart that you will go through, it will insure you never do this again. I would also think about why you did this. Are you not getting something at home? How are things there? Or did you just want to fuck a pretty girl? I understand how attractive an athletic woman can be to us, because of the lifestyles we lead center around that stuff. What does your GF look like?

I second Nate Dogg’s motion.

I don’t know which is worse – that you did it, or that you’re thinking of hiding it. Obviously, you had MANY opportunities to break it off with the second girl and didn’t. So it’s time to REALLY examine your commitment to either girl. All I can say is that it’s guys like you who make it difficult for the rest of us (thankfully I’m out of the market). And BTW, what does all that sob-story stuff of you working so much have to do with your question? Are you expecting some sort of sympathy? WHAAAAAAAAAAAA! Buck up. Be a man.

i agree with mdlp, he gave some good advice. if the two girls dont know eachother, then dont bring it onto your girlfriend. what you dont know, cant hurt you right? since this girl was a virgin your not bringing any diseases back to your girl, so at least you dont have that guilt on top of it. you messed up, but 90% of guys mess up. me, im guilty, i tear myself apart when i cheat, but for me, my drive to explore that new girl is unending, so i did the best thing for myself, i no longer get committed, this way no one gets hurt.if you dont think you’ll ever cheat again, dont tell her, cuz at least you learned your lesson.

I concur with Nate Dogg…
ASSHOLE.
That is just stupid man, you’ve ruined it for yourself, for your girlfriend, and for the poor virgin soccer girl who will probably now have the shittiest outlook on opposite-sex relationships…no wonder why there is such a high percentage of lesbian athletes, it’s because of pricks like you.
What should you do?? Hmm, how about sacking up and telling your girlfriend for one, she’s gonna hate you no matter what. I just don’t understand how you could do this to someone if you “claim” that you want to be them forever…Hell, all guys get tempted to cheat, but that doesn’t make it right. This is a bad thing to say, but I hope that you got that poor girl pregnant because then maybe you’ll learn something–to keep it in your pants. Sorry if this offends you, but you just need a fucking reality check sometimes.

From the sound of it, you don’t really have much of a life with your girlfriend at the moment. You simply don’t have the time. I’m guessing that you have spent more time with the soccer girl than your girlfriend, not counting the time spent sleeping. If you were spending more time with your girlfriend, this would have never happened. You created a tempting situation for yourself and once that was done, you were bound to cheat. Quit one of your jobs and make time to be together. I feel sorry for that soccer girl. You truely were an asshole to her. It would be different if you revealed to her that you had a girlfriend and she still went for you, but you deceived her. The only fitting end would be for your girlfriend to dump you and you being alone. But to avoid the poetic justice, I suggest that you be good and never tell your girlfriend about this. Chalk this up to a learning experience–learning about your weaknesses, and make sure that you don’t create a situation to slip again.

He can’t know for sure that he’s clean until he’s tested. She may have been a virgin, but that doesn’t mean that she was disease free. Herpes travels by mouth, too. Your overall attitude towards relationships is as infantile as your ignorance of STD’s. Grow up.

Although it seems the women of the board disagree with me, I once had a woman tell me that a man should never confess his cheating. It’s a selfish act. You get to walk away, your conscience cleansed, while she’s left devastated and has to live with the deception.
Oh, and by the way: Asshole.

I don’t disagree with Michele very often but I do here. Do NOT tell your girlfriend. It will accomplish NOTHING except hurting her. Why cause her pain when you don’t have to. Just straighten your act up. Either commit to an honest relationship with your girlfriend or set her free.

I wouldn’t tell your girlfriend if you really want to be with her forever. 'Cause if you tell her, it won’t happen. I’m with Avoids and the others who said there’s just no point in telling. When I was in the Service, we did a couple of floats over to Asia and almost everyone cheated. The ones who came back and told their wives/girlfriends about it, what the ensuing scene always came down to was, “Why’d you have to tell me about it?!?” Knowing about it (and thus being forced to deal with it) was far more important than the fact that the guy had cheated itself. Of course, this ignores the possible issue of diseases, one’s own feelings of guilt and so on. And don’t construe what I’m saying to mean that I think it’s okay to go on cheating if she never finds out. I don’t. But I think that the comment about most guys stumbling is correct, realisitically there is no PERFECT relationship, and if you’ve got something good going it’s a shame to throw it away over a moment or two of weakness. But yes, you were a total prick vis-a-vis the soccer chick.

Everyday of my life i hope to meet a girl who is cute and nice and not a whore. You have two and dont deserve either.

You should not tell your girlfriend. She is better off not knowing. It will most likely do irreparable harm to your relationship with her to tell her.

I’m not convinced by your post that you should
stay with your girlfriend. Maybe you should redeem yourself, as much as possible, with the soccer girl.

Here’s what you say about your girlfriend:

“our relationship is very strong”

“we have a good relationship”

“I’d head home to this great girl whom I love”

“the great girlfriend who
I have built a life with”

“I want to stay with my girlfriend,
most likely forever”


"The guilt was present but very
distant.

“Face
the consequences even if it means lose her”
In contrast, here’s what you say about
the soccer girl:

"The cutest girl just happened to
sit next to me "


“Well besides being completely attracted to her, (she is a
soccer player with the nicest pair of legs I’ve ever seen.) I
began to be really interested in her.”

“So as you can
imagine I really started falling for her”

“and this other incredible person who I
could see myself building a life with”

“I began to miss her”

“I must have had some true feelings though
because it killed me to hurt her.”

Not to mention all the obvious, ongoing
attraction and decision to be involved
with this. It was NOT a “one moment” thing
here.

I’d think that if you lose both it’s what
you deserve and hopefully you’ll find someone
good and treat them right next time having
gotten something out of this fiasco, but
what happened here and what you’re saying here
suggests to me that maybe what you thought you had with your girlfriend is something that just isn’t the real deal.

Of course, if your girlfriend would be devastated (mistakenly) if you told her things weren’t working, then you’re really messed up.
Sounds like she might be, though what you wrote about her didn’t sound nearly as concerned about her as you are about the soccer girl.

You were stupid to have let yourself get into that position. Now you’re screwed either way because it’ll eat you up inside if you don’t tell her & she’ll cut your dick off if you do. Whatever happens, you deserve it for being a cheating liar.

o.k.,…everyone together now…“ASSHOLE!!!”…but you knew that already.

Holy fuckin shit dude…

Break up with your girlfriend, she deserves better.

Hey thanks for all the responses good and bad. I would like to address a few of the comments.
Michelle, thanks for the straight forward post, and for wishing me luck. To Nate Dogg, your response was short and to the point. I have been called that before, but for the first time in my life I feel I deserve it. As someone stated I do not have much time for my girlfriend. She also works and is back in school for her Masters Degree in Engineering. I hold down the extra jobs so she can go to school (my work pays for my education). We bought a house last year and what can I say, we’re young and dumb so we bit off a bit more than we could chew. I don’t have a problem with work so I do what is necessary. This is my last semester of school so hopefully by the summer time we will have much more time for each other. MDLP, thanks for the straight forward, no bs post, about the way my girlfriend looks, she is absolutely beautiful. She is columbian so she has the softest olive skin you could imagine, and a smile that burns right through you. She has a great bod, which other than at night, the only time I spend with her is in the gym. We do a 5 on 1 off split together except she hits it in the am for some cardio too. Besides that, she is perhaps the most intelligent person I have had the privilege to meet, let alone love. I was highly attracted to the soccer girl (who has a name, I feel rude referring to her as the soccer girl, but her name need not be said.) but I think it was the fact that she gave me attention that I longed for and missed bc of the life I lead. To brider, the “sob story” was not intended for any sympathy. Come on, I read this forum just like the rest of you. I see the brutal comments and snappy remarks people receive half the the time they ask for help. I knew what I was setting myself up for, I just hoped I could wade through the bs and find a few good pieces of advice beyond all of the cutdowns and smacks in the face. Avoids, I see you post on all of the forums and always appreciate the level of maturity you display in all of your responses, even when not addressed to me. DanK, reality check duely noted. I pray that the poor girl isn’t pregnant, not for my sake but for her sake. How fucked up would that make her life. I would deal with the consequences of my actions. Hyok, you are right… the only fitting thing would be for my gf to dump me. Goldberg you are also right, I probably don’t deserve either. Nephorm thanks for the post including the asshole bit. In conclusion, I am still unsure about my next step. I’m leaning toward NOT telling her. This may make me seem like a coward but this advice came from a very trusted friend…my mother. I love my mom to death and she thinks the world of me. She has never been so disappointed in me in my entire life. She loves my girlfriend. She spends more time with her than I do. (I forgot to mention, my girlfriend gave up all of her family and friends for me. We had been together for a year when I was offered a top notch federal job, which required me to move. She gave up all of her family and friends to go with me.) Now the only family she has is mine. They love her though. Anyway, after the lecture about raising me better than that, she reinforced that this would crush my gf. To tell her would be to throw everything away. All it would do is cause her great pain, and I feel like I have already caused enough pain to the soccer girl. If she didn’t leave me, things would never be the same. She would never really trust me again, (not that she should.) Also, she may eventually forgive, but she would never forget. So if anybody has any last tidbits please feel free. Even a few more cutdowns would be ok. Thanks to everyone who responded, the good, the bad, and the ugly… Nate Dogg :wink: