T Nation

Should I Kill Myself? (Serious)

Now now don’t get your panties in a knot and expect this to be some bitching thread where I moan about losing my Ipod, this is the real deal and I need some opinions.

My life seems to be one negative after another as a child I almost died in my mother’s womb when I was being ‘taken out’ my mother couldn’t finish the job well and simply, I almost died. When I was finally out I was also covered in a whole bunch of shit, born a piece of shit eh?

As a child I was always somewhat weird, odd, different and strange. I started speaking late and I was always very inquisitive and I always wanted to analyze and inspect everything with my own hands.

A few weird things I’ve done are:

Story #1

My father caught a fish and put it in a bucket so I grabbed it with both of my hands and stared at it and then I slowly brang it closer and the fish bit me on the fucking lips.

Story #2

When my grandmother had first moved in with us from a foreign country she looked at me in awe and said I was the most beautiful child she had ever seen, golden blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, but this little shit wasn’t all he was cracked out to be. She was smiling at me and saying ‘Hello’ and then she kneeled down and was looking at me with a big smile and then I suddenly punched her in the face as hard as I could, then she looked at me weird and suddenly laughed at me. She told me I couldn’t do that and I looked down and away from her while frowning and saying ok.

Story #3

I had found a cigarette lighter on the bench in the kitchen and I had lit all of my father’s clothes on fire, including the couch.

Story #4

I was at the beach and I saw an asian woman while walking with my mom and dad and I thought that for some weird reason this asian woman was my mother so I ran to her screaming ‘Mama!’ the woman found me cute and while my parents explained the situation she found it hilarious.

Those are just some of the stories.

As a child I was suspected of having ADD by my parents and teachers. I could’t learn anything and I was always cheating and I struggled with little kid mathematics along with doing weird shit but overtime this has gotten better though.

I have also self suspected myself of having Aspergers Syndrome, Dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) & Short Term Memory Loss.

I’ve been called a retard so many times in my life and once in a blue moon I have been called a genius by my teachers, one told me ‘You are smarter than me’. I’ve been called a philosopher, I’ve been called insightful and I have been called quietly potent.

I don’t fit in with all the other kid’s, even my close friends, they are just sort of meh, no one can talk to me, not a single person, not even my family. This is because I most certainly have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I fit the criteria well every symptom and cause I read is like I am hearing my life story and a reflection of myself.

Along with something else that has been bothering me I have been called ‘gay’ a few times and this aggravates me, I hang out with these kids who are closet homos and I just know it, I just know, you know how you just know a homo? I don’t like them either their flamboyant actions and beta personality’s make me sick, I hate them.

The thing that also bothers me is I don’t know if I’m a homo because I have had roughly six ‘crushes’ on other guys going through school, I actually don’t know if this is a crush or not though I think it is more of a mix of admiration and desire to want to know these people but I was pretty sure I was gay although because of one recent case where I thought I had this crush feeling was actually a desire to want to talk to this person he has a very dry sarcastic sense of humour, he is quiet and extremely intelligent and he seemed similar to me so that is why I was intrigued to talk to him (I don’t actually know whether I’m an idiot or whether I’m smart, I’m not bragging) I felt this crush feeling disappear after I had started talking to him and It didn’t feel homosexual.

The thing is that I have tried to accept being gay but it simply doesn’t work. I feel as if there is something else, I feel as if I am lying to myself it simply does not feel right, I really don’t know. When I have masturbated over guys it just sickens me I felt like I had lost all of my pride and self respect as a human being, I couldn’t eat anything for days and I was puking.

I have had a strong crush on a woman once although the woman was not technically a woman, the woman was a fictional character from a cartoon show called teen titans called ‘Raven’ that was the strongest crush I have ever had.

On the other hand I have never watched gay porn, I consistently perv at teachers, women and get the hardwood, vagina does not disgust me neither do any other things about the female body, in fact they attract me and I’m not very picky either.

To get to the point why I am having this thought of killing myself is because my life has been a downhill shitpile from the start I have always sucked at school, (with rare exceptions) always got bullied, always got into fights, gotten bashed quite a few times, never had any true friends or really friends at all, been hated by many people, parents were distant from me and they never taught me to stand up for myself and they always gave me shit for when I did and they said let him hit you and don’t hit back, I know there is something mentally wrong with me because people have pointed it out before online and occasionally in the real word, I don’t have these problems with fighting anymore although the other problems still remain but my parents have tried talking to me and they just can’t no one really can, I’m lonely.

Are you Autistic or just trolling?

I’m not trolling I’m totally serious if you don’t want to hear it then just leave.

Are you still in school? You should like print this shit out and just hand it to the guidance councilor or somethin.

What brought you to this site? Do you like lifting weights?

The reason why I came on this website is to gain information about weight training that can be useful to me and I can apply.

*csulli the way you wrote “What brought you to this site? Do you like lifting weights?” seems to make me think that you think I’m retarded, why do I seem retarded? I’ve always been intrigued to know people never explain this to me they just disregard it and please be honest with me this is why I came online i want the cold hard truth.

[quote]watermelon29 wrote:
*csulli the way you wrote “What brought you to this site? Do you like lifting weights?” seems to make me think that you think I’m retarded, why do I seem retarded? I’ve always been intrigued to know people never explain this to me they just disregard it and please be honest with me this is why I came online i want the cold hard truth.[/quote]
Didn’t put that much thought into it. Some people on this site simply don’t lift weights.

Oh you have a log even. Well you won’t make much gains if you’re dead. Dead people lose muscle faster than anyone. Also I’m surprised at your quandary given the disdain you displayed for “beta” attitudes. There’s nothing more beta than suicide.

You just forced a small chuckle out of me well done.

[quote]watermelon29 wrote:
I’m not trolling I’m totally serious if you don’t want to hear it then just leave.[/quote]

If you are serious and want answers then you need to make a huge internal shift… Stop caring about what everyone else thinks about you and just take care of yourself… We all have been through goofy situations growing up and been told mean things, we take out of it what we will though… They are just opinions that are completely meaningless and not sensical from people that don’t know what they are doing. You described several moments of time in you’re life where you felt ashamed or something, well I have done WAY stupider stuff then that in fact none of it was bad at all… its just your interpretation that matters…

You just need to talk to someone and get this stuff out of your head… thats the way to get rid of all this self defeating beliefs… In fact everything you have mentioned are all just beliefs that are self defeating… nothing you mentioned implies that there is anything wrong with you at all, just a sort of distorted perception brought on through repetitive thinking patterns and opinions and judgements you took on to believe are true, In reality none of this reveals anything more about you then a freckle does at the end of youre nose…

If you are serious and want help then talk to a counselor immediately and you can set a plan to get yourself out of living in the mind… Great tool but horrible place to live… Don’t worry about anyone but yourself… Opinions from other people are just meaningless nonsense so just talk to someone in your personal life and get it sorted out so you can carry on and be the awesome person you deserve to be.

For the record I was diagnosed OCD, ADHD, GAD, Panic DIsorder… yada yada… I learned to recover from those and there is nothing to worry about, don’t be wreckless with you’re life, you only have one of them anyways.

Thanks for the reply cstratton but these aren’t just beliefs that I have brought into perception through thinking there is some truth to it I know I am different. I really don’t mind it either, I enjoy being different except I couldn’t bear being a phaggot but I don’t think I am a phaggot.

I really have no desire to talk with anyone in my life or a counsellor this is why I go on the internet I can get straight forward, cruel and to the point opinions without any emotional attachments associated with them. This title is not to be taken literally it is more of a way of attracting attention to my problem, it’s a misleading title, you may think that is unjust, twisted and selfish but I simply just need some people online to talk to, the internet is my best friend.

Well, assuming you are serious, hell no you should not kill yourself. That is a stupid and selfish thing to do. So you’re quirky and maligned. Been there myself.
I have also been bullied and made to feel worthless. I have, more recently been through shit that would make a lesser man have offed himself. You don’t do it. You persevere. You strengthen yourself.
I am not saying it’s easy. It’s not easy to overcome the feelings you have. It’s hard, but you will be better for it.
So you’re quirky, hell you may even be gay. Maybe your not. But you aren’t worthless. And the effect of suicide is crushing to those around you. If you care anything for them, then don’t do it.

Often, people get so mired in there own feelings that they are no longer to discern the truth. You cannot discern fact from fiction. So you focus on the lowest common denominator, that there is something wrong with you, that it’s a bad thing and it’s irreparable. Well none of it is true.

The first thing you need to focus on is feeling better. That may be anti-depressants. But a proper assessment by a professional would be in order. If you have anything going on, like Aspergers or ADD this is diagnosable and treatable. Sounds to me like a beaten down psyche that has been beaten down by years of bullying and self loathing. You just may be suffering from a clinical depression. The difference between a clinical depression and just being sad, is that the clinical depression has no circumstances tied to it. You feel like crap and you don’t know why. This again is treatable.

So feeling better is your first course of action. Because, if you feel like crap, no amount of behaviour or attitude change (cognitive) is going to make a hill of beans of difference.

Once you feel better, you then need to ground yourself. You need a way to determine fact from fiction. While some self reflection may be part of it, being a part of something bigger than yourself is even more useful.
Some people find it through religion, some people can walk the Appalachian Trail, where you are surrounded by things greater than yourself for an extended period of time, some people find it through helping others, some people find it in the military, etc. there are many ways to do it. In any way, you will find more about yourself through being a part of something more than yourself.

Get better friends. Friends especially at a young age are very detrimental in affecting who you are and how you feel. If your friends are holding you down, you need to dump them and find better friends.

Seek to make something of yourself. Figure out your talent, and find a way to make it work for you either as a career or a hobby, but it needs to be something that requires you to consistently improve.

You can dig out of your hole, but you need to grab your shovel and get started today. Like I said, first thing you need to do is feel better. Then find ways to sustain and grow yourself.

Look, bad shit is going to happen and sometimes it comes like a tsunami. You have to endure and let each days problems be sufficient for the day and not worry about tomorrow. Get to feeling better and you will see…

[quote]watermelon29 wrote:
Thanks for the reply cstratton but these aren’t just beliefs that I have brought into perception through thinking there is some truth to it I know I am different. I really don’t mind it either, I enjoy being different except I couldn’t bear being a phaggot but I don’t think I am a phaggot.

I really have no desire to talk with anyone in my life or a counsellor this is why I go on the internet I can get straight forward, cruel and to the point opinions without any emotional attachments associated with them. This title is not to be taken literally it is more of a way of attracting attention to my problem, it’s a misleading title, you may think that is unjust, twisted and selfish but I simply just need some people online to talk to, the internet is my best friend.

[/quote]

I don’t blame you, but you need to get some help. At least see if you are a candidate for drugs. Like I said, feeling better is priority number one. After that, the rest gets much easier.

I’m not totally bagging out every single ‘friend’ I have it’s just that I can’t form close connections with anyone, I can’t make a true friend.

I already know where I am going in life in terms of my career, I have concluded that a very long time ago.

[quote]watermelon29 wrote:
Thanks for the reply cstratton but these aren’t just beliefs that I have brought into perception through thinking there is some truth to it I know I am different. I really don’t mind it either, I enjoy being different except I couldn’t bear being a phaggot but I don’t think I am a phaggot.

I really have no desire to talk with anyone in my life or a counsellor this is why I go on the internet I can get straight forward, cruel and to the point opinions without any emotional attachments associated with them. This title is not to be taken literally it is more of a way of attracting attention to my problem, it’s a misleading title, you may think that is unjust, twisted and selfish but I simply just need some people online to talk to, the internet is my best friend.

[/quote]

You are yourself and thats fine… but nothing you have said about yourself has proved to be real beyond the context of you believing it yourself… everyone is unique and once you graduate from school no one is going to care much about what you do anyways… On the topic of sexuality… It is just a biological impulse… You are attracted to women then thats all there is to it, its hormonal… I don’t know why there is such homophobia in highschool unless people are projecting their insecurities onto someone else…

The internet is just a place of random assorted walks of life get to coverse and never really know eachother beyond the veil of a virtual identity… I know you are not in a place of wanting to talk to anyone in you’re personal life but it is a much better and wise invested opportunity then an internet forum… The world is not a cut throat ruthless emotionally deadened place… And you don’t have anything to worry about… Just keep living your life and handle these internal conflicts… Its not worth your time…

And one last thing… If you really want to be different then be more mature and rise above this petty shit that kids always do in school, severe judgements, projections, shaming, etc… Its petty and useless so throw it out. Be the better person and treat others and yourself in the best way possible…

Life has a funny way of working out in your best interest always, if you allow it.

*By the way I do not feel depressed I feel ‘neutral’ I simply just feel drained I do not feel any depression whatsoever. The other thing that I forgot to mention is that I don’t want help from anyone in real life because I thrive off of hatred and anger I love it when people give me shit it is my fuel, if any of you know a bit about Arnold Schwarzenegger he is the same as me, I don’t want to be in a state of positivity because negativity is my fuel.

[quote]watermelon29 wrote:
*By the way I do not feel depressed I feel ‘neutral’ I simply just feel drained I do not feel any depression whatsoever. The other thing that I forgot to mention is that I don’t want help from anyone in real life because I thrive off of hatred and anger I love it when people give me shit it is my fuel, if any of you know a bit about Arnold Schwarzenegger he is the same as me, I don’t want to be in a state of positivity because negativity is my fuel.[/quote]

Its a waste of time and never going to get you anywhere, you need a change in attitude because acting like this doesn’t yield any results, nor does it look cool… I used to be more negative but once you experience some serious stuff you drop it like an anchor because the right attitude is sometimes the only thing that can save you… If you really wanna be cool and see whats out there then just drop any self loathing and drop the conflict, plus its good for the gainzz…

I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist or anything like that I won’t try to analyze you but you most definitely should not kill yourself.

I had two friends in high school who had close family members commit suicide and it is incredibly difficult for the people left behind. Suicide is never the answer.

I know you don’t want to get professional help but it’s a good idea. Maybe you really are gay and your repressing your true feelings? If that’s the case I’m sure that would lead to a very dissatisfying life IMO… That might be something to really think back about.

Anyway, good look OP and remember, no matter how bad it is that suicide isn’t the answer.

No you shouldn’t kill yourself. You aren’t one of those beta little bitches that you hate, are you?

As far as mental issues, as long it won’t help you then do not talk to anyone related to the schooling system. Trust me, just don’t. I know first hand what type of incompetent bastards there are.

What the fuck?! please don’t kill yourself!! It has been true you have been through some hard times and you are trying to figure out who you want to be, but please don’t do this to yourself! If you look at what you’ve just told us now, you made mistakes and have the balls to tell complete strangers. I certainly wouldn’t have the will to ask for help. Your life is not the only one with struggles.

Story #1

When I was born, the doctor did not have to cut off the umbilical chord because it fell off. Basically if I wasn’t birthed sooner, I would have
been dead.

Story #2

When I was going into fourth grade, my father died of lung canser, despite never smoking in his life. This almost put my mother into a depression and we could no longer afford our home and had to move to a different state. At the new school in this state, California, the other kids in my class did not accept me as a friend, so I was going to school only to know I had no friends other than my younger brother.

Story #3

When I was a little kid around five or six, I was looking into a gasoline jug on the floor of my neighbors garage and wondered what was in there and picked it up and looked into it, pouring was gasoline that was in there all over my face and body. I believe I am lucky looking back that my brother found me crying on the floor.

Story #4

I once mixed up my aunt with some woman at a hot tub and talked to her for five minutes before my parents found me and told me that was just someone else.

Just like you, these are just some stories of my life.

You already have so many good things going for you. The fact you joined T-Nation looking for a brotherhood looking for an intelligent, relentless pursuit of muscle means you have made and will continue to make great decisions in life. The face you are able to write almost a one page essay explaining your struggles you have experienced means you have the skill of writing, which is so important in life, and reflection, being able to look back at your life and being able to assess what good you did and where you now can go better.

Please join this brotherhood online with what I have seen. Even though people have differing opinions on many subjects, the core value of bettering oneself, not just at lifting, but life as a whole exists within all of us. This ‘us’ includes you!! WE all have our struggles, even though yours might be harder in this part of your life than other people have. If you think your messed up and everyone else is not, then they are lying to you!! Everyone is weird and messed up in their own way and we are in reality all awful people who have learned to recognize we’re all awful or are living in some made up fairytale.

Please don’t self diagnose youreself to have all these medical problems. This is like accepting you are not in control with yourself. But you are in control of yourself and have the power to change your perspective on life. If you choose to let these small problems get to you then you have small problems. That’s it. You sound so much stronger than this! Let yourself take control of your life and believe you can make a difference!

Man, your thing about being gay, please get on your hands and knees and thank The Lord you are living in a time such as now. People are willing to accept you for who you are. Do not think just because some kids at school influence you negatively. Kids are unable to understand and help those who they decide an outkast.

Don’t worry about being gay or not. I believe if a man did not ever have a thought in his head of what another mans junk would feel like in his trunk must know by experience what it feels like or is a liar! Go out and try to ask a girl or two out and accept the fact that you could be rejected. They will never say yes if you always say no to yourself. And trust me. If you can wright out and reflect on life problems, you have the balls and confidence to ask someone out.

Lastly, your not lonely! You have all of us at T-Nation!! Now go flex those mirror muscles in a mirror! Embrace the brotherhood!! Embrace your father. Please you never know when your parents will be gone!! Tell them “I love you” every day! And please, accept you aren’t alone with your problems. If it has not been already done, welcome to T-Nation brother! In all of our shit filled lives we find a way to always bench and curl on Monday, legs on another back and abs somewhere else in the week, and shoulders and tris.

Please live your life

RicRob