Now now don’t get your panties in a knot and expect this to be some bitching thread where I moan about losing my Ipod, this is the real deal and I need some opinions.
My life seems to be one negative after another as a child I almost died in my mother’s womb when I was being ‘taken out’ my mother couldn’t finish the job well and simply, I almost died. When I was finally out I was also covered in a whole bunch of shit, born a piece of shit eh?
As a child I was always somewhat weird, odd, different and strange. I started speaking late and I was always very inquisitive and I always wanted to analyze and inspect everything with my own hands.
A few weird things I’ve done are:
Story #1
My father caught a fish and put it in a bucket so I grabbed it with both of my hands and stared at it and then I slowly brang it closer and the fish bit me on the fucking lips.
Story #2
When my grandmother had first moved in with us from a foreign country she looked at me in awe and said I was the most beautiful child she had ever seen, golden blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, but this little shit wasn’t all he was cracked out to be. She was smiling at me and saying ‘Hello’ and then she kneeled down and was looking at me with a big smile and then I suddenly punched her in the face as hard as I could, then she looked at me weird and suddenly laughed at me. She told me I couldn’t do that and I looked down and away from her while frowning and saying ok.
Story #3
I had found a cigarette lighter on the bench in the kitchen and I had lit all of my father’s clothes on fire, including the couch.
Story #4
I was at the beach and I saw an asian woman while walking with my mom and dad and I thought that for some weird reason this asian woman was my mother so I ran to her screaming ‘Mama!’ the woman found me cute and while my parents explained the situation she found it hilarious.
Those are just some of the stories.
As a child I was suspected of having ADD by my parents and teachers. I could’t learn anything and I was always cheating and I struggled with little kid mathematics along with doing weird shit but overtime this has gotten better though.
I have also self suspected myself of having Aspergers Syndrome, Dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) & Short Term Memory Loss.
I’ve been called a retard so many times in my life and once in a blue moon I have been called a genius by my teachers, one told me ‘You are smarter than me’. I’ve been called a philosopher, I’ve been called insightful and I have been called quietly potent.
I don’t fit in with all the other kid’s, even my close friends, they are just sort of meh, no one can talk to me, not a single person, not even my family. This is because I most certainly have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I fit the criteria well every symptom and cause I read is like I am hearing my life story and a reflection of myself.
Along with something else that has been bothering me I have been called ‘gay’ a few times and this aggravates me, I hang out with these kids who are closet homos and I just know it, I just know, you know how you just know a homo? I don’t like them either their flamboyant actions and beta personality’s make me sick, I hate them.
The thing that also bothers me is I don’t know if I’m a homo because I have had roughly six ‘crushes’ on other guys going through school, I actually don’t know if this is a crush or not though I think it is more of a mix of admiration and desire to want to know these people but I was pretty sure I was gay although because of one recent case where I thought I had this crush feeling was actually a desire to want to talk to this person he has a very dry sarcastic sense of humour, he is quiet and extremely intelligent and he seemed similar to me so that is why I was intrigued to talk to him (I don’t actually know whether I’m an idiot or whether I’m smart, I’m not bragging) I felt this crush feeling disappear after I had started talking to him and It didn’t feel homosexual.
The thing is that I have tried to accept being gay but it simply doesn’t work. I feel as if there is something else, I feel as if I am lying to myself it simply does not feel right, I really don’t know. When I have masturbated over guys it just sickens me I felt like I had lost all of my pride and self respect as a human being, I couldn’t eat anything for days and I was puking.
I have had a strong crush on a woman once although the woman was not technically a woman, the woman was a fictional character from a cartoon show called teen titans called ‘Raven’ that was the strongest crush I have ever had.
On the other hand I have never watched gay porn, I consistently perv at teachers, women and get the hardwood, vagina does not disgust me neither do any other things about the female body, in fact they attract me and I’m not very picky either.
To get to the point why I am having this thought of killing myself is because my life has been a downhill shitpile from the start I have always sucked at school, (with rare exceptions) always got bullied, always got into fights, gotten bashed quite a few times, never had any true friends or really friends at all, been hated by many people, parents were distant from me and they never taught me to stand up for myself and they always gave me shit for when I did and they said let him hit you and don’t hit back, I know there is something mentally wrong with me because people have pointed it out before online and occasionally in the real word, I don’t have these problems with fighting anymore although the other problems still remain but my parents have tried talking to me and they just can’t no one really can, I’m lonely.