I have an issue that I am not sure what to think about and would like to see what other people think in an anonymous, consequence free environment. Thank god for the internet! It is, I suppose, a question of current sexual ethics and the interplay of male and female.
I broke up with my ex of 9 years recently. All very adult and amicable and I had been feeling proud that we have been able to remain friends. However, I read an article in the New Scientist about the extreme reactions that we go through when we get dumped from an evolutionary perspective. I realised that even though I had ended the relationship, that my ex was showing none of the reactions mentioned. Why? The more I looked at it the more it didn’t add up. I began to feel that the only way she could feel that way was if she already had someone else. If she had got someone else since we broke up, she could have told me. I got suspicious. I am not proud to admit to what I did next. I hacked her mailbox.
It turns out that she did meet someone 6 months before we broke up. Turns out that she had had unprotected sex with him. Then unprotected sex with me.
My ex and I entered our relationship by doing what many are doing these days. We got tested for HIV so that we could have sex without rubber and then agreed that if either of us was to have unprotected sex with someone else that we would have to say so to protect the other person.
I have been for a test, I get the results in 2 weeks. I learned that it is possible to have contracted HIV and be able to pass it on for 3 months and still not test for it conclusively.
Now, while it hurts, I can get over the fact that she strayed, our relationship was not going too well at the time. What I am having a great deal of trouble coming to terms with is that she lied to me about something so important. It is probably being melodramatic, but I feel as if she has been playing Russian roulette with my life behind my back.
I don’t feel that I can remain friends with her anymore. Friendship involves honesty, trust, and caring for each other’s well-being. I have put a lot of effort into trying to remain friends and feel profoundly cheated.
I am feeling pretty churned up and don’t know if I am competent to see my way forward here. I would be very grateful to anyone who can offer me the kind of emotional maturity that I am finding so hard to find in myself. What do you feel is the right way for an intelligent, modern man with the heart to stay true to himself and his commitments to conduct himself under these circumstances?