T Nation

Sexual Politics

#1

I have an issue that I am not sure what to think about and would like to see what other people think in an anonymous, consequence free environment. Thank god for the internet! It is, I suppose, a question of current sexual ethics and the interplay of male and female.

I broke up with my ex of 9 years recently. All very adult and amicable and I had been feeling proud that we have been able to remain friends. However, I read an article in the New Scientist about the extreme reactions that we go through when we get dumped from an evolutionary perspective. I realised that even though I had ended the relationship, that my ex was showing none of the reactions mentioned. Why? The more I looked at it the more it didn’t add up. I began to feel that the only way she could feel that way was if she already had someone else. If she had got someone else since we broke up, she could have told me. I got suspicious. I am not proud to admit to what I did next. I hacked her mailbox.

It turns out that she did meet someone 6 months before we broke up. Turns out that she had had unprotected sex with him. Then unprotected sex with me.

My ex and I entered our relationship by doing what many are doing these days. We got tested for HIV so that we could have sex without rubber and then agreed that if either of us was to have unprotected sex with someone else that we would have to say so to protect the other person.

I have been for a test, I get the results in 2 weeks. I learned that it is possible to have contracted HIV and be able to pass it on for 3 months and still not test for it conclusively.

Now, while it hurts, I can get over the fact that she strayed, our relationship was not going too well at the time. What I am having a great deal of trouble coming to terms with is that she lied to me about something so important. It is probably being melodramatic, but I feel as if she has been playing Russian roulette with my life behind my back.

I don’t feel that I can remain friends with her anymore. Friendship involves honesty, trust, and caring for each other’s well-being. I have put a lot of effort into trying to remain friends and feel profoundly cheated.

I am feeling pretty churned up and don’t know if I am competent to see my way forward here. I would be very grateful to anyone who can offer me the kind of emotional maturity that I am finding so hard to find in myself. What do you feel is the right way for an intelligent, modern man with the heart to stay true to himself and his commitments to conduct himself under these circumstances?

#2

damn, hard luck pal, i hope the test results come out your way.

I think if i was in ur shoes what she did would probably nag at me and the only way to sort it out would be to ask her outright.

No need to plot revenge or anything jus set some time aside and question why she was dishonest and why she played such a risk with ur and HER own health.

You may have to tell her about getting in her email account, which i can tell you now she won't take well, but don't let that detract you away from the fact that SHE was dishonest about somehting that is life threatning and had she told u in the first place u would not have been forced to resort to such measures.

Chances are she will may look for some excuses or try and lay the blame on you, don't let her.

After that i would personally cut ties with her cos i expect 100% honesty, faith & trust from my lady and that's what i give in return, but then that is up to u..

good luck with whatever u decide

#3

just do your best to forget about her. go out, have fun, bang some chicks. i wouldnt be to overly concerned about the hiv thing, the odds are pretty slim. if you do decide to be friends with her it would probably be best to wait a while until you are over the relationship.

#4

im sorry to hear that man, you definately have to confront her. That is aweful what she did to you. Waiting for that test is hard i know, i have been in your shoes waiting for the results and its not any fun at all. Keep optimistic and after you've gotten all you need to off your back cut ties with her, there are plenty of honest girls out there and shes obviously not one of them and therefore isnt worth your time. Best wishes.

#5

Banging chicks is not the way to deal with it because in the morning when you are all alone again reality will set in. Time is the only thing that will help, well, that and the fact that you need to just keep living and spend more time doing things that you enjoy. Plus, I personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Friends would never endanger each other's lives without warning like that. So, how good and trust worthy of a friend can she be?

Good luck!

#6

You don't need a woman like that. I wouldn't jump into another relationship anytime soon. Women use that friend thing so that they can feel better. Think about calling her on what she has done.

Me Solomon Grundy

#7

Wow, that sucks. If someone gave me aids like that I might have to kill them.

Why is it so hard to be faithful, or if you can't be faithful, to have the balls to break it off before cheating?

#8

I would tell her that you know what she did and then pretend she doesn't exist. She's not worth any of your time.

#9

"Women use that friend thing so that they can feel better."

Give me a freakin brake. Guys say that shit all the time too.

#10

ericka, i think we should just be "friends."

#11

turbogti has the answer, I believe.

Tell her you know and never talk to her again.You need to remove her from your life.

#12

Thanks for all your replies, much appreciated.

I have to come to a decision about how to play this soon as she is coming round to continue packing her stuff. She is buying a house and moves in at the end of the month. So, for the foreseeable future it is notionally in my interests to cooperate with her.

I am thinking of saying nothing for the moment. That way, it gives me more time to get some perspective on the whole thing. Also to make informed decisions, I need to know the results of the test as the situation could change again then. I agree with P-Dog that it is unlikely to be positive but also with TwistedLocal that the wait isn't the most fun I have ever had.

I am concerned whether I am able to pretend that I don't know. I may find contributing to the duplicity and dishonesty more than I can stomach.

Tokman, TwistedLocal, turbogti, GreatWhiteHope, you all suggest confronting her. Whilst I agree that this is an honest and straight forward way of dealing with the situation, if she is aware of what she is doing and hasn't been straight with me so far, is there any point as she is unlikely to be honest with me now?

Something else occurred to me. The callous disregard for my safety doesn't fit with what I thought I knew of her. Obviously, that is open to question now, but I still wonder if she is really facing up to what she has done? Is she admitting it to herself? Is she in denial and refusing to look at the consequences of her actions?

I hope, if nothing else good comes out of this, that it might be a cautionary tale to anyone who needs to hear it. Please be careful with yourselves and eachother.

#13

You are handling this in a classier way than many people would.

#14

Take a look through her eyes for a moment. She's in a relationship with you, and things aren't going well. She has a tryst with some other guy, and it's unprotected. Presumably, she either got tested herself, or knew the guy was clean. Even if neither is true, she still probably wasn't thinking "boy, I hope I don't get HIV." Instead, she was probably thinking, "oh, shit, I just fucked up my relationship," etc. I am not justifying her actions, of course, but I seriously doubt that she thought "Man, my boyfriend might have HIV now. Screw it, I won't tell him."

#15

Call her out on it - your hacking isn't as bad as her sacking up without strapping up.

#16

Pretty sure AIDS transfer via vaginal sex is a myth. Mainly for the pooper shooters and jackin the drug types.

Unless ya got donkey dick, you should be fine. With a condom, I'd say 100%. Without, I'd say 99.9%.

http://www.cdc.gov/nchstp/hiv_aids/stats/hasrlink.htm
http://www.physics.wustl.edu/~alford/aids.html
http://www.fumento.com/pozaids.html

Lotta what you read about STD's is just fear talk and paranoia. I tune into the news, I never see good stuff on STD's. Just fear, how a grade 9 class doesn't know shit about them, and such and such. nothing about the actual risks of contracting an STD, or the fact that nearly all of them are curable. Basically a fear trip to keep people outta sex.

Fuck away,
epitome.

#17

Never trust something that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die (: Just kidding! Look at least you came away from this a smarter person. BTW can you teach me to hack a mailbox? No wait never mind ignorance really is bliss.