If you're getting a blood panel when you know your test is going to be lowest, then you ARE tanking your test to get on TRT. I don't know why you want to be on TRT, but that's your business. As a side note, GP's prescribe most of the TRT in the US as well. That, or they go to TRT clinics. Doctors at these clinics are usually quite poorly educated on the subject, contrary to what one might believe. It's just easy money for them. Most people don't see an Endo.
The answer to your sex question depends on what you take, specifically. You can still get a girl pregnant on steroids. Sperm count is decreased tremendously, this has indeed been proven. HCG, however, can keep your sperm production active, if that's a goal. I still don't understand why this is a concern if you don't want to have kids though.
I'll also share an anecdote. I know a guy who was taking a large amount of steroids, no HCG. He decided that was as good as birth control. He was proven wrong.
Deca dick is a real thing, but it's because of the type of steroid deca is. High prolactin is likely the cause of the problem, but it's not certain, from what I've read. There are still mysteries out there as to the exact mechanisms of most compounds.
I get that you're a 29 year old family man. I'm a 32 year old family man. So my perspective is largely the same as yours. I get it.
You're right, Epistane doesn't aromatize, at least in theory. The only oral-only cycle I ever ran was Epistane. By the end of it, my joints hurt quite a bit, but I did get stronger. It also tanked my testosterone. It ALSO raised my estrogen. Even though it's not supposed to be an aromatizing compound, estrogen levels can go up when you run it. I'm not sure why this happens, but my bloodwork showed this to be the case, and other people have seen the same thing. So that's just something to be aware of.
Sexual side effects of Epistane for me were basically just a lack of interest in sex. It was particularly bad when I finished the cycle. I didn't like it.
A final note: for myself, I had a vasectomy after I had my first/only son. So my sperm count is zero now. If you don't want kids, that's a pretty good thing