T Nation

Sex Conversation: How Many Partners?

Not your fault at all.

I would say you’ve probably had slightly more than an average number of partners for your age, that being said, their are going to be plenty people around your age who have had a lot more sexual partners and plenty who have had less. If you’d had 20-30+ partners by your age and cheated on dudes etc then yeah, a lot of guys who want something long-term are likely going to be put off by that. I don’t think you really have to worry about how partners you’ve had though.

Great thread! I’m not experienced in these matters but this is a debate I’ve recently gotten into with mum.

IMO, it doesn’t matter how many partners one has had so long as it was all safe and consensual. (which from your post, seems to be the case)
From a logistical standpoint, sex is a skill and more practice => more knowledge of what works => more pleasure

I have a hard time understanding the stigma around number of partners. If the guy you’re with now has a hard time accepting your past or that you love him and him only NOW, then that’s HIS issue, not yours.

I don’t think it’s right for people (not just women) to be judged for their personal actions when they’ve not harmed anyone or themselves. Whether you choose to have hundreds of partners or none is YOUR choice (safe and consensual of course)

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Why do you want him to know everything you want him to know, rather than letting him know everything he wants to know?

Do you know how many partners he has had?

Do you want to know how many partners he has had?

Have you considered how you would react to different responses? Say 0, 1-5, 5-10 and 10+.

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That’s how I feel too. I looked at the cdc website and there information shows 2.8, so I’ll say 3 as the median partners for the age group of 20-25. It also says that 4 is the lifetime partner count for a woman 25-45.

With that info I guess she is right. I guess it’s not too bad but I do feel uneasy about it.

The more important question is do you care about the guys out there that would care about it. For some guys, it will be a negative but that only matters if you would like to end up with that type of guy. If you want a traditional Christian family man for example, it may hurt your chances. If you aren’t into someone with that type of values, it shouldn’t matter. But you should also take into account that your priorities and values may change over time.

His reaction is going to depend on how insecure he is. Pretty much every woman I’ve been with, including my wife, has had more partners than I have. I’ve never had a one-night stand. It’s just not who I am, but I don’t judge anyone who has (unless it was just a ton of them).

That’s her problem, not yours.

Do you get an STD, a child or any other long-term consequence from it? If not, I’d say you’re in a perfectly fine category for your age. Your sexual past is nobody’s business but yours unless you decide otherwise.

I know guys and gals who consider a mere 4 partners to be a particularly slow month, especially with Tinder nowadays. To each their own.

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I guess you are just too insecure in your manhood…

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Nah, at some point you worry about the lack of standards.

Most of that would go away if he is good in bed and you tell him so (especially if he is the best you have had, tell him that). If he is the biggest you have had be sure to mention that (even if your not into size, most guys (close to all) will take that as a complement, don’t mention that your not into size though).

If he is not those things though, don’t mention it at all. Don’t ever say your ex was bigger or better if you want a successful relationship (probably obvious on this last point).

Ah, and your line is the correct one, but anyone with a lower line than yours is insecure… got it.

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If it is safe, consensual and not cheating, I don’t see why it matters much. I guess I don’t see premarital sex as a bad thing though (used to, views have changed). I think if one wants to do so just for fun that is okay. It probably does mean that the person is into sex, which may or may not be a turn on.

I don’t know what my line is. I’ve never avoided a relationship with someone because of the number of sexual partners they’ve had. I think it is silly to say “my number of partners is acceptable, but yours isn’t”.

FTR in this, I’m not attempting to shame anyone for whatever sexual standards they have. That’s all a personal decision. That goes both ways though. There are plenty of reasons you can make for either case largely depending on what you value and want out of a relationship.

If your going is to build a stable and successful family with lots of well raised kids your standards should be different than if you just want a personally pleasurable relationship.

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It’s not about what the number is, it’s that you have one.

You just said you’d do this very thing at some point.

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I said I don’t judge unless it was just a ton. If someone is able to find someone they find attractive and interesting enough to sleep with every night, I’m going to question their standards–not their morals.

A “ton” is different to everyone. What’s a ton to you would get you called insecure by others. Standards, morals and values are all virtually interchangeable. To use your own criteria, what if someone finds it unattractive for a partner to have had X number of others or someone finds it more interesting to build a relationship with a virgin? Interests, values, actions are all reflections of one another, they aren’t independent things. Trying to evaluate those things independently is a mistake.

you’re fine.

there are people catching a body every weekend.

If you didn’t catch an STD, and you don’t have any unplanned kids, you haven’t slept around too much.

It’s just sex. Don’t read too much into it.