T Nation

Serious respondents only

This one if for T-Women only. My wife and I’s sex life is pretty much gone at this point. It’s been almost 6 months!! We’ve only been married for 6 months!! She is on the Ortho Patch, so I’m sure that is a large contributor to the problem because she swears that it isn’t me.


We got into an argument about our sex-life and she said ,“would you like me to just let you have your way?” How do women really feel about that? Is it a bad thing? Is it bad for the relationship? It’s been so long at this point that I’m considering it. But she didn’t seem happy about that and I’m not sure why she through that out there to me.


Help!!

That sucks, man. I hope its not like that when I get married.

do you completley trust her? have you ever considered that their may be someone else? i would definetely wonder.

sancho

Steve,
How is it now? Who knows.

Sancho,
I don’t believe she is, I sometimes think that our marriage stands in the shadow of her previous marriage and that might be part of the issue.

I’m not a woman, though would very strongly suggest you ‘both’ consider at least, discussing the issue with someone or a couple you can both trust who adhere’s to sound marriage pricinciples recognisible in their lives. Sex; good or bad is often a by-product of success/failure issue(s) elsewhwere in a relationship. Sure, you if you want ‘free advice’ this is a great place to come, though people who freely give opinions are seldom around to help you pick up the pieces if they’re wrong. Your marriage is one of the best relationships you’ll ever form on this earth, so be cautious on who you/your wife allow to speak over it.

Rowbie,
The problem is that she doesn’t like talking about it. If I could get her to talk about it maybe it would be different.

I have read where some women say being on birth control has tuned down their sex drive a little. I would think that she would be very concerned and would consult with her gyno in maybe changing to another type of pill or patch. I thought that ortho had one of the strongest doses but I am no dr. so I could be wrong. There are many other types, she should check out others because 6 months is way too long.

There are times when women try to over do things, work, home, children etc. Some get overtired and do not want sex. They think it would only make them more tired. I don’t understand that but I have heard it. I usually want to slap the woman in the head, but when I try to explain it to them, I usually get the old “well, its different for everyone” line. “Sigh” Personally, I find it relaxes me but then I would think I am not the norm. Maybe ~karma~ would agree with me on that. I have not seen her response yet.

In regards to you having sex with her anyway, hmm, in some ways that is not a good thing because you do not want her to resent you forcing her but then again maybe with alot of foreplay maybe in the form of a backrub to start or foot massage could get her “juices” flowing. I know you said she does not like talking about it, but she has to realize that this is a serious problem between the two of you. It could become a marriage breaker. Good luck, I hope you are able to work it out.

There could be a variety of reasons for her lack of interest, including self-esteem issues or problems within the relationship (as someone else suggested). The reality is, if she won’t talk, you’ll never know. Couple’s therapy seems like a very good idea at this point.

As far as sex she isn’t interested in, just to get off? Don’t do it. If you do, she’ll likely see you as little more than an animal.

The only to work through an issue like this is to talk about it. And that requires trust. Make her feel safe to say what’s bothering her, either one on one or in therapy.

If she’s the one you chose for your life partner, don’t give up easily.

Damn. Sorry to hear that…She puts out plenty for me. Maybe I should leave some for you. Just kidding!

Seriously, When I got married, my wife turned to super-bitch and we did not fuck much. We fought and steamed most of the time. As time goes on things have improved drasticly and we fuck much more.

There is a chance she may be cheating. Remember though, not putting out is a valid reason for divorce and annulment, so if she is that gun shy, you can kick her to the curb and trade up. Just sell everything you own to your parents first so you can't get reamed in court.

By the way, the patch has very little to do with her lack of sex drive…It is something else…She gets off the patch she still won’t fuck you. I say she’s fucking around.

I’m not sure about that patch, but I can share a similar story.

My girlfriend at the time was on Depo-Provera and when she went on that, her sex drive fell off a cliff!

I would certainly try a different method of birth control. The whole patch thing is a little out of control. I don’t know your particular situation but if you’re only 6 months into your marriage, sometimes there’s a bit of a drop. I know that after the honeymoon phase, my sex life was pretty much non-existant. Nothing a bottle of Jergens and a hand towel can’t fix. :wink:

One other thing, I’ve noticed with my wife that she really needs the romance factor. For me, romance is foreplay. For her, romance is a relaxing dinner at a nice restaurant. Good conversation (include some genuine compliments). You have Valentines day coming up, do some planning and I’m sure she’ll appreciate it!

Geesh! I’m having a hell of a time getting shit to post. I actually did reply three times to this post and got pissed at having to retype the lengthy post so I gave up.


Trying to remember the short version of what I wrote before… This is not normal - the whole no desire for months on end deal. Options to try: Switch birth control method/dose, full medical screen to rule out other organic issues, counselling - if she doesn’t like talking about it ask her how she’d feel if her lack of desire for sex and/or lack of desire to fix it drove you into the arms of another woman. That should slap some reality back into her head.

Blondeblue had a good point about how women can feel too stressed out by every day life and look on sex as yet another “chore”. I, like her, want to smack these women and clue them in to the fact that sex relaxes a person and puts other crap in perspective (it ain’t no big thang). But then, I suppose that’d only be true if the sex was satisfying. I’m not bagging on you here, but if she isn’t getting off (earth shaking, toe curling O’s) it’d be no wonder she’s not into it. I know a lot of women fake their O’s just to make the man feel like he’s good at what he does. It’s kind of hard for me to have a clear understanding of this since all I need to get off is something to grind on like a muscular leg…or the arm of a couch…or a barstool… But not many chicks are like that - she may be having difficulty. Dunno.


Anyway, back on topic. You asked if her giving it up even though she wasn’t really into it was a bad thing and why she’d throw that out to you. Well, there’s a difference between her saying “Get the fuck off me, asshole. Go rub one out in the shower for all I care, just don’t come near me with that thing” and her saying “I’m not really in the mood…but you can give me a back rub.” Situation One - don’t go there. If you coerce/nag/plead/guilt trip her at this point you are in effect saying you don’t give a shit about what she wants and you just want a warm wet hole. It’s almost a “date/relationship rape” type of thing. If she gives it up after making it this clear then she will certainly resent you and make you pay later in one way or another. Situation Two - This may be an open door for you to warm her up a bit with the back rub/foreplay and then see from there if she’s interested. Try it. If she is, you’re in like Flynn. If she still isn’t interested - see Situation One.