T Nation

Separation/ Divorce

OK, I have browsed around here and am willing to throw myselves to the wolves. Mainly, I would be interested in opinions from people who have had and gotten through a similar situation. I will try to be as brief as possible.
Life with the wife is becoming unbearable. She has an anger problem among other things. She hoads the kids and limits my participation with them, to the point I would literally have to rip them out of her arms for me to take them anywhere with me. She hates my family and tries to alienate them from the grandkids, though he family has unlimited access to the kids. She will not let my family participate in my kids lives. When we have had fights, she has hit me repeatedly and tried to kick me in the balls several times and even strangled me with my t-shirt once. She calls me names on a regular basis and uses the kids as a shield as a way of preventing me from fighting back or doing anything to protect my rights. Basically, she stated that if I do anything she will take the kids and runaway to a place I would never her find her.
Though, I am far from perfect, I have never hit her or done anything to physically harm her or the kids. I seldom instigate fights and prefer to avoid them. The problem is that I was a pussy for far to long and I let things get out of control before I realized that I shouldn’t be putting up with that shit. So I am behind the 8 ball, so to speak.
My question is, that if I were to pursue legal separation/divorce. What would my chances of getting custody of my kids? Here are the issues that would pose a problem for me as far as I can see: I am a man. I like to drink, not everyday (but often enough) and not to get drunk, just like to chill out with a couple of colds ones in front of the tube to relax. Also, though it is seldom, I like to smoke some good pot now and then, mind you this is NOT a prominant thing. She also has a nice sorted history with taking many drugs, though that is mainly a thing of her past.
So given this information, how badly would the court system fuck me in a legal separation situation. I know it’s a long shot, but could I get custody of my kids? or would I be living with my parents for the next ten years as I attempt to dig myself out of a finacial hell.
I have not decided to persue this action as of now, but I want to do my homework in case it comes to that. I would like to here from older married or divorced folks or anybody in the legal profeesion. I prefer not to here from young single people who could not in a million years understand my situation, but you are certainly welcome to flame me. Thanx.

You’re screwed. No matter how you try to talk out of it or minimize it, you have admitted to drinking and illegal drug use.

The best thing that would come out of it is that you’d have some court-mandated time with your kids. Most likely your wife would be stabbing you in the back as far ar your kids are concerned, and there’s not a damn thing you could do about it.

The divorce itself CAN be pretty easy, legal wise, as long as it’s not contested. Depends on your state. But that probably won’t be your scenario. Depending on your wife’s income, you’d be paying child support, which just lessens your income. It’s for your kids, however, and as long as it’s going to them, you should be happy to pay it.

Crappy situation, dude. No good way out of this one.

Well, I can’t say your screwed. There is much work to be done and it won’t happen overnight.

First, is to think of the children and what they are worth to you. My children are worth the world to me, if that tells you anything. If need be, the wife can be replaced! You need to stop any activity that can come between you and the children ie: drinking and drugs…

Second, after you’ve stopped the activity…when she gets mean and begans the spouse abuse, because that’s what it is, call a domestic into the local authorities, police, Five-O whatever just call them. This will get it on record. If after this, the ole-lady still doesn’t come around, talk to an attorney and start the paperwork. Hopefully with the domestic on record a court will give you the kids and everything you need to raise them.

It didn’t take overnight for this situation to start, it will take more than a night to fix it. Good Luck!

After you call the police and get her arrested immediately get a temporary restraining order and include the children as the protected party. That way she is on the defensive. Get it made permanent and file for the divorce while it is in force.

Depending on where you live, she can be legally barred from the house. If she disobeys the order, she goes to jail. See a good divorce lawyer now!!! The first one to file has the advantage.

next time she hits you - call police and file the report - I’m sure that will be a ball crushing experience, but well worth it down the road when you fight for the kids. Also get restariing order as someone else mentioned. Restain your urge to hit her back. Let her do all the hitting, call police AND press charges.

A good divorvce lawyer can work wonders

get you one of those “X cams” you see on websites all the time, and try to get some film of her abuse. the rest will be easier. but you have to get out of that relationship. there’s no shame in wanting to be happy.

I believe I recall seeing where if you have a preliminary consultation with a lawyer, your wife can’t use them as counsel even if you choose not to. So I suggest you meet with all the top divorce lawyers in your area (I believe initial consultations are free) so she won’t be able to use them when the time comes. Now I could very well be talking out of my ass because it’s now dawning upon me that I may have seen that advice on the Sopranos but check it out just the same.

Agree that you should get out of the marriage. (Yes, I’ve been there.)

Also agree about the camera thing if her physical abuse is as bad as you say it is, and especially if she physically uses the kids as some kind of shield. Nothing makes an impression like video.

I would further suggest that the next time she gets violent, you try to catch a kick on your shin or somewhere else that it will leave a nice bruise and be painful. Then check yourself into a clinic to get it looked at. Again, more records for your side. The more you have of those, the better.

Good luck.

There are a few steps to take:

  1. Let her beat you up. Call the cops. Get this shit on her record, and do it the next time it happens. There is no place here for the soft hearted. She will fuck you, you fuck her first.

  2. Eliminate all soft core drug use. All. Severly reduce drinking. Yes. Are your kids worth it? Mine are.

  3. Document everything. Yes, everything. She hits you, write it down, she yells at you in front of the kids, write it down.

  4. Go get the best “father’s rights” divorce lawyer in town. Do what he says. This shit will be expensive, but, once again, are your kids worthless.

You got to be merciless.


Thanks for your responses. I don’t know what one would consider bad abuse, but I can say it is not “bad” as in it happens all the time, but it does happen and I will use it when the time comes. I aggree with getting it on record and I will do that next time it happens. The occasional indulgence is easily allieviated as all I have to do is not do it, no big deal there; haven’t done it in a while anyway. I do aggree with the person that said this will be a slow process and it will, I will pray for an epiphiny on her part and patience and wisdom on my part. There is always a chance that something may accelerate the process, but I have to tread carefully becuase I need to make as few mistakes as possible for my kids sake.
So, do you think going out and scewing some ho’s would hurt my chances to bad? :slight_smile:

I think it is a sad day for america when occasinal use of marijuana is concidered a bigger offense than gettin’ beat. Really fucking sad.

Gotta agree with Pat there.