Seeking Girlfriend Advice

[quote]stefan128 wrote:
I feel like people are giving you great advice and you just shoot it down cause it isn’t what you want to hear. As others have said, just get out…She was already married before and got divorced, to me that is a negative sign. Not saying all people who have been divorced are bad eggs, but still. Also, she blames you for a lot of things that make so sense at all including taking her time on the phone when she is the only one talking.[/quote]

Why is that good advice?

Seriously asking. I don’t actually comprehend the, “oh, I know you have a pretty good relationship, but she’s not perfect, so you should find someone else” mentality.

I mentioned it because… if her basic behavior stems from low self-image, then the fact that I dated someone she perceives as “better” than her… is just another blow to her self image.

“This is different! You guys just don’t understand.”

  • said every guy ever who’s relationship ended badly

Seriously though, she’s a twentysomething who’s already divorced and has obvious relationship/trust/self esteem issues.
You’ve bent over backwards and she still doesn’t see it.
What do you expect to happen?
Blinded by love.

Maybe I should have asked the same question without using the word “girlfriend”.

I wasn’t really asking about relationship advice.

Just… girl I know isn’t happy, blames others [like me] instead of dealing with whatever her issues are, but she actively refuses to acknowledge that. Everything I’ve tried isn’t working.

And then, for the sake of asking for advice, said it was “my sister”.

Haha, I swear Smashingweights is that dude! He posts the most sarcastic shit on the forums! Hahahahaha

You are 50% of this problem.

What are you doing besides looking at her as the problem and you as being able to solve it?

It could be that she has her head on straight and you are the one who is fucked up.

The more I’ve read from you in about the umpteenth thread about her, the more that seems to be the case.

Well OP, it sounds like your sister is crazy.
Not straight jacket and padded room crazy.
More like, follow you at night wearing a fake mustache as a disguise and slash your tires kind of crazy.

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
You are 50% of this problem.

It could be that she has her head on straight and you are the one who is fucked up.
[/quote]
SkyzykS with the M. Night Shamylan’esque twist!!!

[quote]Smashingweights wrote:
Seriously though, she’s a twentysomething who’s already divorced and has obvious relationship/trust/self esteem issues.
You’ve bent over backwards and she still doesn’t see it.
What do you expect to happen?
Blinded by love.[/quote]

I… expect things to continue pretty much as they are. 99% of the time everything is actually really good; 1% of the time she starts a stupid argument about something stupid.

At this point it’s not even really about what I’m getting from the relationship. I’m getting what I want. She’s just fundamentally unhappy, and I’m hoping there’s something I can do.

Also, maybe it wasn’t clear, but I did stop bending over backward for her a long long time ago. I will say that was one of the best decisions I ever made. In response, she now does the same for me. She started putting a lot more work into the relationship.

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
You are 50% of this problem.

What are you doing besides looking at her as the problem and you as being able to solve it?

It could be that she has her head on straight and you are the one who is fucked up.

The more I’ve read from you in about the umpteenth thread about her, the more that seems to be the case.
[/quote]

This is the only thread about her. Maybe you have me confused.

[quote]Smashingweights wrote:
Well OP, it sounds like your sister is crazy.
Not straight jacket and padded room crazy.
More like, follow you at night wearing a fake mustache as a disguise and slash your tires kind of crazy.[/quote]

Lol.

[quote]LoRez wrote:
But it’s really not about me at all.

Nothing’s worked yet…

What now?

Any ideas?

And at this point, leaving her is not an option I’m willing to consider.[/quote]

[quote]Smashingweights wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:
But it’s really not about me at all.

Nothing’s worked yet…

What now?

Any ideas?

And at this point, leaving her is not an option I’m willing to consider.[/quote]
[/quote]

Maybe.

Ok, what am I avoiding?

If the topic is to shift from her to me, what is it that I’m doing that’s the problem?

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
You are 50% of this problem.

What are you doing besides looking at her as the problem and you as being able to solve it?

It could be that she has her head on straight and you are the one who is fucked up.

The more I’ve read from you in about the umpteenth thread about her, the more that seems to be the case.
[/quote]

This is the only thread about her. Maybe you have me confused.[/quote]

Noh. This looks way too familiar from you. I’ve heard this whole story before from you.

You still keep presenting yourself as the solution, and she has continued to prove you wrong.

You are also still 50% of this relationship. What are you doing on your end besides pointing at her as the problem?

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Smashingweights wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:
But it’s really not about me at all.

Nothing’s worked yet…

What now?

Any ideas?

And at this point, leaving her is not an option I’m willing to consider.[/quote]
[/quote]

Maybe.

Ok, what am I avoiding?

If the topic is to shift from her to me, what is it that I’m that’s the problem?[/quote]
Bro, let me keep it real with you and cut the jokes for a second.
I’ve been where you are now.
Except I was a young dumb kid not an almost 30 year old who should know better
(Ok that was the last joke)
I was in an u healthy relationship.
I was a “fixer”
Always went way out of my way to help her, make her happy, whatever.
People around me could see that the relationship wasnt healthy but I was that guy.
“You guys don’t understand. Things are great 99% of the time! I love her!”
Did everything for this girl.
She ended up cheating on me after being really serious for 2+ years and we were talking marriage.

You just don’t see it when you’re in it.
I know this will fall on deaf ears because your situation is different but I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I’ve seen it happen to good friends of mine.

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
You are also still 50% of this relationship. What are you doing on your end besides pointing at her as the problem?
[/quote]

I’m not really understanding what you’re asking here.

I’m actually not sure what you mean by me “pointing at her as the problem”.

She’s unhappy, effectively claims that I’m the reason she’s unhappy, and if only I was like this, and did that, then everything would be ok.

And I’ve pointed out to her that the only person responsible for her happiness is her. I’ve explained the things I’ve done for her, and regularly do for her, that show her I love her and care for her.

And I reiterated that there’s things I’ll do for her, but we both have to do our part. Everything can’t be her way, everything can’t be my way, and “compromise” isn’t the same as “getting her way”.

Things improved both ways after that last conversation. She’s still having trouble realizing that I’m not responsible for her happiness.

As far as other things, I’ve been there for her during med school and residency, as companion and confidant. I took her out and entertained her regularly, and provided the stability she needed the rest of the time.

Financially, I paid for meals when we went out, but she bought groceries and cooked most of the time when we stayed in. Bigger ticket items, like vacations, we split roughly 50/50.

For some other things, like buying her car, I helped her through the process, helping negotiate the price down a few thousand more. And then general handyman things around her place.

So, I’m not really sure what you’re getting at.

[quote]Chushin wrote:
I would have to say that the role that you are hoping to play sounds like a bit too much.

You are not (and should not try to be) her therapist. Such a role doesn’t work between friends or lovers.

About all you can do is encourage her to find a good therapist. Given what you’ve said, it sounds like CBT might be best.

Beyond that, you can cooperate with and support her. But she needs to be the one who’s the main character of the play.

When I was doing counseling many years ago, one of my more experienced colleagues told me, “If you are working harder than the client to effect change, then you’re doing it wrong.”

Also, if SHE doesn’t see any problem that needs attending to, it’s pretty much a lost cause.
[/quote]

Thanks for the advice.

I was also thinking CBT would help; I didn’t feel comfortable sharing any techniques with her though.

I’ve mostly just focused on diffusing her arguments without acknowledging them as accurate.

Sometimes I’ll challenge a few of her assumptions, during which, expectedly, she gets very defensive. Because of the relationship, she’s been able to redirect things well enough without dealing with them.

Unfortunately, we haven’t come across a good/the right therapist yet.

What sort of role should I be taking? It’s a little difficult when she gets into that mode where she blames me for all the problems. She acknowledges some relationship problems, but doesn’t accept her role in resolving those ones. (Others are fine.)

[quote]LoRez wrote:
So, I’m not really sure what you’re getting at.[/quote]

I know.

Sometimes carrying your own plus someone elses baggage in a relationship isn’t what needs to be done. Sometimes you have to drop hers and lighten up your own.

Nobody gets through any amount of time in this world unscathed. Look through your own stuff. See what could use a little tweaking. You want to blahdeblah a paradigm shift or what ever? Change the way you interact with the world and you will change the way the world interacts with you also.

[quote]Smashingweights wrote:
I was in an unhealthy relationship.
I was a “fixer”
Always went way out of my way to help her, make her happy, whatever.
People around me could see that the relationship wasnt healthy but I was that guy.
“You guys don’t understand. Things are great 99% of the time! I love her!”
Did everything for this girl.
She ended up cheating on me after being really serious for 2+ years and we were talking marriage.

You just don’t see it when you’re in it.
I know this will fall on deaf ears because your situation is different but I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I’ve seen it happen to good friends of mine.[/quote]
Yep…