T Nation

Santa Was A Dick


#1


It is the holiday season. The traditional Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (1964) was on last night. I huddled in with my kids to pass on the christmas tradition to them. As I sat there watching, listening to the songs and horrendous dialogue, I was glad that my kids and I could share in some seasonal bonding.

Enter Old Saint Dick.

We all know the story. Rudolph is born to Mr. and Mrs. Donner. The pride of Santa's sleigh. Born with his light bulb nose, the family ashamed, decides to hide his deformity.

With a perfectly fitted mud nose, Rudolph gallops off to the coveted Reindeer Games. With the pressure of following in his fathers hoof prints, Rudolph goes to continue the family stronghold on Santa's Sleigh. While at the games Rudolph meets his future love, Clarice. Sparked by a wet nose nudge from Clarice, Rudolph leaps and bounds and shows off his Reindeer prowess in front of the Reindeer fledglings. In his horny excitement, Rudolph loses his mud nose. There for all the world to see, his red nose shown bright. The reindeer began to laugh and taunt Rudolph with harsh barbs like, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"... kids can be so mean. Rudolph embarrassed and afraid turns to see Old St. Nick approaching. Whew! Surely the Jolly Old Soul will put this nonsense to rest. Santa approaches the Donner family and with all the love of Christmas exclaims, "DONNER! You should be ashamed of yourself!" What?!!! Did Kris Kringle just bust Donner's balls for fathering a freak? Where is the unconditional love from Father Christmas? Wait, I'm getting Santa and Jesus confused again. If I was Donner, I'd have gutted that fat fuck and while I spilled his "bowl full of jelly" all over the snowy banks of Christmas town I'd have shouted, "Whose pulling your fat ass now, bitch!"

So jump with me to the end of the story when the "storm of all storms" hits Christmas Town. A SKINNY Santa is about to cancel christmas when Rudolph's nose goes off. Santa a bit put off by the nose is about to tell the red nosed mutant to go back to the island of misfit toys, when it hits His Jolly Highness that he would benefit from Rudy's 40W nose. The next shot is Rudolph leading the sleigh, shining his now beloved red nose guiding the now fat Old Saint Nick through the snow. (Evidentially Mrs. Claus can whip up a batch of Christmas porridge that will but 50lbs on you in minutes.)

Where was Santa's christmas cheer and Ho-ho-ho's when poor little Rudolph needed them the most? In today's times Rudolph could sue Santa for harassment charges. Rudolph would clean up on the personal damages Santa inflicted when he so wrongly slandered the red nosed reindeer. Now that Rudolph saved the day he's Santa's best friend. Rudolph saved Santa's ass and is now a Christmas icon for the ages.


#2

Silver and gold
Silver and gold

Classic


#3

Didn't Santa tell Donner that he should be ashamed of rudolf? I do remember him saying some dickish things.

Also remember Charlie Brown.....Sally was a straight up bully telling the boys she'll knock their block off if they did not comply with what she wanted.


#4

Since we're spreading holiday cheer here:

  1. Santa was a bit bigoted towards Rudolf. And don't forget poor Kirby--scorned and ridiculed because he wanted to pursue a, ahem, dental lifestyle (not that there's anything wrong with that).

  2. The whole show treated women like dirt. Clarice and Mrs. Donner were told not to look for Rudolf because "it's man's work" (I laugh every time at that line). Also, when Yukon Cornelius supposedly died after pushing the Bumble over the cliff, the narrator recalls that the best thing anybody could do at the moment was to "get the women-folk home."

  3. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. PETA would get midevil on the Grinch for his treatment of Max. And did you see the amount of weight Max pulled on that sleigh? Can you say steroids? And what about the Grinch hating on a particular race just because they're happy?

I could go on and on, but I don't have the energy at the moment to muster up any more satire.

If I was Donner, I'd have gutted that fat fuck and while I spilled his "bowl full of jelly" all over the snowy banks of Christmas town I'd have shouted, "Whose pulling your fat ass now, bitch!"

Now that's funny. Sounds like a Chappel skit.


#5

In today's times Rudolph could sue Santa for harassment charges. Rudolph would clean up on the personal damages Santa inflicted when he so wrongly slandered the red nosed reindeer.

Yeah, but if that had been the case. then Christmas wouldn't have been saved, because Santa would have spent Christmas eve in court. And sure, Rudolph would have made millions off the suit, and probably quite a few more off the book/movie/record deals, but then a few years later, he'd be a fat, washed up loser hooked on gumballs. He'd wander the streets of Hollywood getting two-dollar tips getting his picture taken with tourists. And when that dried up, then things would be even worse. He'd have a brown nose again, but not from mud. He'd show up on celebrity news shows every once in a while, Gary Bussey style, antlers all akimbo, wild-eyed and high on candycanes.