T Nation

Rules of Manhood



1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever! Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until l they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex
pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while he is lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never ! allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone! Hang up if necessary!

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


I'll give you brown and pink - but the others - you have to put in a caveat - UNLESS IT'S A LAMBORGHINI

Solid post.

  1. Affectionately known as a covered wagon. One of my favorite bedroom games.

  2. If you've had too much to drink it's perfectly acceptable to let a chick drive your car. Better her get a DWI than me.

"I've always wanted a chauffeur, Reggie!"

Nick Nolte, 48 Hours.


These aren't my rules, just for clarification. I received them as a joke in an email. I thought I would share for those so inclined to enjoy.

10 is also my favorite.


i disagree with 3c unless these are tears of joy, 11(i like fruity drinks in the summer, and i love getting in conversations where some 130lb guys starts telling me "real men drink BUD" and 28 (gymnastics)

  1. Unless its a crate of beer which you then drink half of


Hahaha, read them before, but its brilliant. A lot of them have some solid truth behind them. I particuly love the XBOX one!

  1. aka the "dutch oven"


you know there was a publication done by maxim many years ago, i don't have the link but it's call the Man Code of Ethics, Part 1 and 2, and It includes all of those, and then a shit load more....sorry i don't know the link, but it's in their database of past issues, and ui'm sure if you took some time you could find it.


My two roomates think its okay to ride their moped together.


that is a henous crime of massive proportions. I feel your pain.


It's also ok to point and laugh. If one actually holds onto the other, this may be grounds for eviction.


What is the hardest part of drinking a bacardi breezer?

Telling your dad you're gay.


What's the difference between this and gay sex?

There is no moped in gay sex.