Wed 6/19/2019 - Middle of Week 4. Easy time getting out of bed even though I only got about 5 hours of sleep. I average 6 to 7 hours a night. Any more than that and I am very tired the next day. That’s just the way I’ve been for a long time. Confusion continued, though maybe not as bad. Definitely still there. Definitely weird. Did not sleep in the evening. Day was kind of blah and yet overall I’d say I felt “good”.
Thurs 6/20/2019 - More confusion today. Definitely. Stupid stuff like looking directly at something of my wife’s, and thinking I will need to bring that very thing in from the other room (into the room I’m standing in) for her, as I do habitually. But I’m looking right at it. And I know I am. That’s what made me think about it.
And it took me all day, almost until 8:00pm to realize that this crippling depressed feeling I had for most of the day was hormonal. If you’ve been following this, you’ll know that I’ve had a pretty stressful time of things recently. Serious stress. At work. Not critical, but definitely above the average amount of stress someone would have when they say they are stressed. So I thought that’s what was causing my depression, as I had waited all day for an important phone call, which never came.
It was only when I sat quietly and reflected, and remembered back to Sunday night when I was uncharacteristically feeling down, and realized that my shot is due tomorrow morning. Sunday night preceded Monday, when my previous shot was due. As I have likely noted, I don’t suffer from truly awful depression anymore. Have not for a long time. I did have a ton of malaise when I was low, and that certainly qualified as a depressed feeling. But that was nothing like what I was feeling today, and what crept in Sunday night. This depression is almost painful to walk around with. It’s like a weight sitting on my chest and shoulders, and burrowing into my gut. It’s not physical pain but it’s the closest I’d say you can get to that without it being. I’m hoping it will vanish with my shot tomorrow morning. This is the worst I have felt in a good long while. No sleep in the evening again, which is a plus.