This is in response to the "Sick and Tired of Liberals" thread. Enjoy!
Subject: The Good Republican
To be a Republican today, you must believe that:
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime-- unless you're a conservative media host. Then it's an "illness," and you need our prayers for your recovery.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing United Nations resolutions against Iraq.
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and He shares your hatred of homosexuals, environmentalists, and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
Daily prayer in school is important for the moral teaching of our youth--as long as it is a Christian prayer. Jews, Muslims, Hindus, and others should convert or keep quiet.
Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins -- unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
If condoms are kept out of schools, teenagers won't have sex.
Unregulated free trade is capitalism at its best--unless it adversely affects a business sector key to your re-election.
The United States alone is above international law.
Government should relax regulation of Big Business, Big Energy, and Big Money, but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of terminal illness.
A good way to eliminate terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. A better way to eliminate terrorism is to attack much smaller,poor countries without provocation.
HMOs and insurance companies have the public interest at heart.
Revocations of individual freedoms due to perceived security threats should not be questioned. Those who ask for justification are unpatriotic.
Randomly-timed alteration of congressional districts solely to increase Republican seats is what the Founding Fathers had in mind.
Second Amendment rights (as interpreted by Charlton Heston) are more important than First Amendment rights.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
Losing the popular vote still gives you a public mandate for radical change.
Global warming, alternative fuels, and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should replace evolution in school curricula.
The media that supports the Bush wars, the Bush tax cuts, and the "Patriot" Act but spent 8 years pursuing and embarrassing Clinton is still too liberal.
Government regulation of individual rights must be limited as a hallmark of our free society--unless you're talking about what consenting adults do in private.
Saddam Hussein was a good guy when Reagan armed and financed him, a bad guy when Bush Sr. made war on him, a good guy when Cheney conducted business with him, and a bad guy when Bush Jr. needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die and millions are left destitute is solid defense policy.
Invoking the phrase "September 11th" gives you the right to take any policy steps you deem necessary.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The US government knows what's right for all other cultures and has the right to overthrow foreign governments and change economic systems as it sees fit.
To kill is utterly immoral and wrong. To show how wrong it is, you will be righteously killed if you kill.
Democracy and free debate are the foundations of our great country and should be encouraged worldwide--unless you're an ally who disagrees with a US policy, in which case you should be isolated and ridiculed.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Treating all people equally and fairly is the root of our justice system--unless you're a Muslim male, in which case you're automatically regarded as suspicious.
Letting our children see anything more loving than a kiss on television will corrupt their minds and lead to ill-behavior. But letting them watch gratuitous violence with weapons is a patriotic tradition.
You support States' Rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
Invading Islamic countries is a good excuse for ignoring severe recession and other social ills at home.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because their government is communist, but trade with communist China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.