Relationships: What Makes it Good?

I’m 25 I have been with my missus for 6 years 2 kids together just got engaged about 3 months ago. Trust and honesty without them your relationship has nothing, they are the two main thing but I think there is a whole list of what makes a successful relationship.

You have to have attraction, I see so often people spliting up because one of them let themselves go and put on a bit of weight, also I think partners need to be able to socialise/party together it cant always be just togetherness

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
Married 24 years this November. Our marriage is built on a strong foundation of constructive criticism. Lots and lots of it.

If you think there’s nothing wrong with your spouse, you just aren’t paying close attention to all the petty little details. That’s what it’s all about. Attention to detail is key to so many things. [/quote]

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
John Gottman, PhD, reported that he can predict with 95% accuracy which marriages will end within 5 years. The key is respect. Couples, he said, all argue. That’s expected and healthy. The question is whether or not they are able to do it with respect for one another.

[/quote]

Hey! That’s what I always say![/quote]

I’m just spreading your research findings, Dr. Gottman. I was getting ready to shill your “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” to Lanky - I’d think you’d be thanking me!

[quote]CLINK wrote:

[quote]beachguy498 wrote:
Shoot, I was married just shy of 31 years to my beautiful wife who lost her fight with cancer in June. What kept us together? We always had respect for each other and never saw the need to tear each other down ever. We both always had good jobs and had the respect of our peers, which means a lot how your partner is percieved by others.

I’d say we were pretty much the same type of person, easy going and easy to laugh and let the unimportant things slide. Raising kids… this is probably breaks up most couples from what I see. You both have to be on the same page and the husband/wife relationship always has to be strong. You can’t let the kids split you apart.

I was big into self-improvement, I got 2 engineering degrees the hard way, at night. That was impressive to Barbara, how I always hustled to make more $$. She did call me her trophy husband and I’m way better than some of her friend’s husbands. I don’t see why their wives stay with some of them. I’m also a lot stronger and fit than anyone else we know around my age.

A lot of give-and-take go with a good marriage, you don’t always get your way. And never go to bed mad at each other. [/quote]

Sorry for your loss, BeachGuy. It sounds like you gave each other a wonderful life.
[/quote]

Thanks, she was truly one-in-a-million. I really don’t think I’d ever find anyone that was as good for me and good for US. She left a big void in my life, also with all her friends and people she worked with.

[quote]CLINK wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

Marriages that I’ve seen where couples were “best friends” or “soul mates” before rarely last unless both grew up together.[/quote]

My wife and I are the exception… if that indeed is a rule.
[/quote]

I wasn’t going to say anything, but that statement had me scratching my head too. Maybe the soul mate portion (does anyone actually think that?), but the best friend part is strange to me. I can’t imagine not being married to my best friend.

[quote]batman730 wrote:
Good stuff here. Not much to add but here goes (in no particular order).

First, endeavour to marry the right person for the right reasons. This is difficult to quantify and is not one size fits all. However if you marry someone hoping they’ll change, you’ll likely be disappointed. Ironically, if you marry someone hoping they’ll stay the same, you will also likely be disappointed.

Attraction is important, but it’s not the end all. We all die old and ugly (if we’re lucky enough to make it there). That person who looks so good on your arm in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s will start to go downhill in the looks department eventually. So will you. When that happens someone who is kind, respectful, funny, intelligent and helpful will be of much greater value than the person who used to be hot.

Treat your relationship like you would your bank account. Consistently put more into it than you want to take out or it’ll go broke. Also, when shit happens (and unfortunately it almost certainly will, probably more than once), you’ll have a reserve to carry you through. That said, throw away your scorecard. There will be times when you will feel like you’re putting more in than your spouse/SO. There will also be times when you actually ARE putting in more than your spouse/SO. This does not matter. Assuming your relationship is healthy, the shoe will eventually be on the other foot.

People value different things. If you express love through work/acts of service but your SO does so through cards and gifts, they may well not feel as though they are loved no matter how hard you bust your ass. This can be a real problem. Pay attention to how your SO expresses affection/gratitude/love and endeavour to respond in kind sometimes, even if it doesn’t come naturally.

Accept that in a dispute with a loved one, you can be happy or you can be right. You can very rarely be both. If you are trying to “win” a discussion, you have already lost. Never go to bed mad.

Invest in your relationship on an ongoing basis. This is easy in the beginning, but over the years weekends away together etc can begin to seem expensive and time consuming and even like a bit of a hassle. If you think they are too expensive/time consuming/a hassle, try a divorce. It’s my understanding that it’s much worse.

I will also second StrengthDawg’s grit and determination sentiment. Sometimes being married is more fun than others. If you expect “romance” to carry you through, you may be disappointed. I resolved when I stood up at my wedding and said the words that the only way I was leaving my marriage was toes first, in a bag. Period. Sometimes discipline and dogged perseverance trump passion in the moment. I’m not saying stay in a bad relationship (abusive, unfaithful, structurally incompatible etc), I’m just saying that sometimes even stuff that is worthwhile sucks for a bit. Gut up and embrace the suck.

Last, happy people make better partners. If you don’t like being you, odds are nobody else likes being with you. Follow your passions, own your crap and stay positive. Also, if respect is key in a relationship, as per John Gottman, PhD, you must respect yourself and have integrity, clear boundaries and expectations if you expect your SO to respect you.

Okay, I guess I had a few things to add after all. Sorry for text-wall.
[/quote]

Thanks for the great post and I’m in with all of it. I physically jotted down all the qualities that I wanted in my next lady friend before I met my wife. I did eventually go down that list, check, check, check… she was perfect.

After 30 years, nobody looks the same as they once did. I gained some weight, a lot of muscle, lost hair, gained tattoos. She always kept up her looks, although she gained a lot of weight, but she was never sloppy fat and stayed active with zubma and the gym. I could have seen myself going to age 90 with her.

And you do have to work on the relationship constantly and be prepared to give in at times, as the other will have to also do. You have to pick your battles as well, how important is something that it causes great strife to either of you?

We were both happy positive-people all the time. Both of us are good-humored and love to laugh. We had our interests together, but could do things alone that we each enjoyed.

All of our money was thrown in together from day 1. We never had a separate bank account. Any bigger money decisions (over $300) we both had to agree on, but I let her slide when she came home with a $3500 18’ x 33’ pool.

Beachguy, it all boils down to respect. And laughing a lot.

[quote]ryanbCXG wrote:

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
So much good stuff here written so well…

I’d just add this: similar sex drives. You can both want it once a month a 3x a week, but when one person wants it once a month and the other 3x a week, there can be problems.[/quote]

Awesome thread here hope it doesn’t turn to shit

And that last point is so true. Had a long term relationship where that was a large stressor [/quote]

A word on physical intimacy. You don’t want it to loose it’s shine, or for anybody to take it for granted. Keep it rare and memorable. Special. Like finding a $100 bill blowing across the parking lot. Or your neighbor telling you he has a rack and 500 lbs of plates he’d like to give you. It should be like, “Honey, remember that time we got a hotel room on our anniversary. That was awesome.”

Sorry, Em. I can’t help it.

So - I have to ask…

does having another ‘special someone’ on the side INCREASE the intimacy shared between the spouses?

and, if it does… should it be acceptable?

PP, I agree with your sentiment entirely.

However, if I had my druthers, I’d prefer to find a $100 bill blowing across the parking lot three times a week rather than once a month. And finding that $100 bill today takes nothing away from the $100 bill I found on Tuesday.

:wink:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]CLINK wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

Marriages that I’ve seen where couples were “best friends” or “soul mates” before rarely last unless both grew up together.[/quote]

My wife and I are the exception… if that indeed is a rule.
[/quote]

I wasn’t going to say anything, but that statement had me scratching my head too. Maybe the soul mate portion (does anyone actually think that?), but the best friend part is strange to me. I can’t imagine not being married to my best friend. [/quote]

I wrote what I’ve seen and heard. I’m always to go to guy when friends (both male and female) have marital problems because I’m perceived as the most stable guy with a marriage devoid of any drama. Plus my wife has no problem with me going out late at night to drink with them and hear all the sob stories.

I cannot give you a reason why. All I can say is the ones that had the closest “best friends” relationship when married are the ones that spew the most hate for their spouse a decade later, and shit usually starts because they start misinterpreting one another’s intentions behind their actions when times get rough.

As I wrote on the previous page, I hate hearing about all this crap in real life. If you have a successful marriage of a nature contrary to what I’ve written, please do share it here.

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
PP, I agree with your sentiment entirely.

However, if I had my druthers, I’d prefer to find a $100 bill blowing across the parking lot three times a week rather than once a month. And finding that $100 bill today takes nothing away from the $100 bill I found on Tuesday.

;)[/quote]

Point taken. LOL! Other stuff I’ve learned on TN recently, completely applicable to this thread.

HIV, HPV, HSV, Hep B, HIIT, and HBO are all pretty much the same thing. If you have one of those things it’s best not to tell your wife or significant other about it if you want to keep the love alive. These things have a way of working themselves out.

[quote]Edgy wrote:
So - I have to ask…

does having another ‘special someone’ on the side INCREASE the intimacy shared between the spouses?

and, if it does… should it be acceptable?[/quote]
0_0

you have asked this before

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

HIV, HPV, HSV, Hep B, HIIT, and HBO are all pretty much the same thing. If you have one of those things it’s best not to tell your wife or significant other about it if you want to keep the love alive. [/quote]

So true.

I’ve had HBO for nearly 2 years now. Some nights it’s so debilitating I can barely get up off the couch.

I haven’t told my girlfriend about it and the worst part is I got it from a guy going door-to-door.

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:
So - I have to ask…

does having another ‘special someone’ on the side INCREASE the intimacy shared between the spouses?

and, if it does… should it be acceptable?[/quote]
0_0

you have asked this before[/quote]
He was really weird about it in that thread too. He made like a bunch of posts seemingly seeking outside validation to cheat on his wife and then made a post about how he was disappointed in people’s responses and that’s not at all what he was asking. Or something like that.

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:
So - I have to ask…

does having another ‘special someone’ on the side INCREASE the intimacy shared between the spouses?

and, if it does… should it be acceptable?[/quote]
0_0

you have asked this before[/quote]

oh yeah…

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:
So - I have to ask…

does having another ‘special someone’ on the side INCREASE the intimacy shared between the spouses?

and, if it does… should it be acceptable?[/quote]
0_0

you have asked this before[/quote]
He was really weird about it in that thread too. He made like a bunch of posts seemingly seeking outside validation to cheat on his wife and then made a post about how he was disappointed in people’s responses and that’s not at all what he was asking. Or something like that.[/quote]

oh, right - HEY LOOK! A puppy!

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]CLINK wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

Marriages that I’ve seen where couples were “best friends” or “soul mates” before rarely last unless both grew up together.[/quote]

My wife and I are the exception… if that indeed is a rule.
[/quote]

I wasn’t going to say anything, but that statement had me scratching my head too. Maybe the soul mate portion (does anyone actually think that?), but the best friend part is strange to me. I can’t imagine not being married to my best friend. [/quote]

I wrote what I’ve seen and heard. I’m always to go to guy when friends (both male and female) have marital problems because I’m perceived as the most stable guy with a marriage devoid of any drama. Plus my wife has no problem with me going out late at night to drink with them and hear all the sob stories.

I cannot give you a reason why. All I can say is the ones that had the closest “best friends” relationship when married are the ones that spew the most hate for their spouse a decade later, and shit usually starts because they start misinterpreting one another’s intentions behind their actions when times get rough.

As I wrote on the previous page, I hate hearing about all this crap in real life. If you have a successful marriage of a nature contrary to what I’ve written, please do share it here.[/quote]

I hope you didn’t interpret that as me saying you’re wrong or anything along those lines. I didn’t mean that at all.

I’ve been married to my best friend (and I mean that) for going on 8 years. To me, if your spouse is really your best friend, major shit just doesn’t get between you. Don’t get me wrong, a male best friend, I’d punch square in the dick if need be, but you always end up having a beer afterwards. To me fight (not physically, I ain’t Ray Rice) with your BF wife is the same things, basically. At least to me it is.