This truly has been well worth the thread, you guys have made me realize that I need to focus more on solving the arguments rather then putting up defense and trying to say that its not all me regardless of who is more at fault that is not an important issue. Thank you peeps!
Agree. I’ll also note that as a therapist I’ve had incredible luck in altering relationship dynamics by working with only one half of a couple. Once one partner learns to drop the defensiveness and speak clearly and with good will, very often the other partner will follow. It’s very cool to see.
Pangloss really nailed this one, but I will echo two things:
A. Communication is key. It is my opinion (and I am by no means any kind of expert in relationships - or anything for that matter) that basically any issue within a relationship can be tied to communication.
To back up Emily, when the wife and I have gone through counseling in the past it was usually recommended that one or both of us seek individual counseling in addition to the joint counseling - sometimes with the same counselor, sometimes with a different one.
If your arguments happen most often when she comes home from work, try some preventative medicine. For the last couple years, I have made a point when I come home from work (wife is a stay at home mom) to find my wife and give her a kiss and a hug first thing. I’m not telling you to get dressed up and meet her at the door with a martini, but regardless of how your day has been, try giving her a smile and then a kiss and a good, strong hug. Women are emotional creatures, and as odd as it sounds, that may help to erase some of her stress from the day.
I don’t know your religious affiliations (if any), but two books I have heard good things about: The Love Dare (you may recognize it if you saw ‘Fireproof’), and The Five Love Languages. Both of these get you more in tune with your partner and the idea of being a team as opposed to two individuals coexisting. I will say this about Five Languages: I tried reading it, and couldn’t finish it. It’s not a long book, but it could have been a ten page pamphlet rather than a 100 or so page book. Great message and I’ve talked to a lot of people who felt like it helped them, but I felt like it was heavily padded.
[quote]boatguy wrote:
I don’t know your religious affiliations (if any), but two books I have heard good things about: The Love Dare (you may recognize it if you saw ‘Fireproof’), and The Five Love Languages. Both of these get you more in tune with your partner and the idea of being a team as opposed to two individuals coexisting. I will say this about Five Languages: I tried reading it, and couldn’t finish it. It’s not a long book, but it could have been a ten page pamphlet rather than a 100 or so page book. Great message and I’ve talked to a lot of people who felt like it helped them, but I felt like it was heavily padded.[/quote]
The Five Love Languages does get a bit repetitive, so I see what you’re saying that it’s a bit “padded” - but I still think it’s worth picking up and reading (if not cover to cover, making it a “bathroom reader” of sorts that you can pick up and flip through a few pages of any time). Reading that helped me understand that there are different ways to express affection, that one size does not fit all, and that probably trying to do a little bit of each would give one a well-rounded relationship with their partner.
[quote]justrob wrote:
Some truly great advice above.
To that I will add this. A number of women (even fundamentally decent ones) often give their partners ‘shit tests’. Usually they do this unknowingly. These tests can take the form of irrational demands (big or small), taking out her day to day frustrations on you (while everyone else seemingly gets treated nicely), nagging, veiled or not so veiled put downs etc.
My experience is that the less you’re able handle these tests as a strong, mature man the more regularly you’re going to receive them from your woman. This does not mean you just sit there and simply take it of course (that is the wrong response #1) - but nor must you overreact in return (wrong response #2).
So while part of what you’re going through is probably relationship related, I believe a lot may have to do with working on yourself (as some have noted above).
BTW a woman’s shit tests are all about assuring herself that she has a got herself a man that is confident and in control, in complete charge of himself and ‘the situation’ particularly at home, who can handle her unique brand of crazy (and every woman has a brand, if only from time to time) appropriately, who is not a doormat or a pussy, who can deal with his emotions well (not suppress them, not fly of the handle) etc etc etc. I think you get the idea.
[/quote]
This. If you loose your cool you’ve failed. If you can handle her shit test and make her laugh about it, you’ve hit a home run. Its probably best not to take her insults at face value. Google the term agree and amplify it does wonders.
The Five Love Languages does get a bit repetitive, so I see what you’re saying that it’s a bit “padded” - but I still think it’s worth picking up and reading (if not cover to cover, making it a “bathroom reader” of sorts that you can pick up and flip through a few pages of any time). Reading that helped me understand that there are different ways to express affection, that one size does not fit all, and that probably trying to do a little bit of each would give one a well-rounded relationship with their partner.[/quote]
Absolutely, great resource for couples. I still feel like I learned something from it, I just feel I got the message in the first 30 or so pages, and then it was the same thing over and over. Like I said, I know a lot of couples who say it helped them learn to communicate with each other better.