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Relationship Advice

Hey so me and my soon to be wife have been together for just over 6 years we have 2 children together my son Ollie is 2 and my daughter Katie is 6 months we are both 25 years old.

Lately things have been getting hard we argue just about every day and if we are together for the whole day usually majority of the day is spent arguing or both in shitty moods,
I am sure she has issues with me but I just want someone else opinion on my issue with her it would be good to have an outside opinion.

So pretty much most days during the week I get home first and start cooking dinner she will come home in a grumpy mood, she snaps at most things I say and will start an argument at just about anything, everything I say is wrong and she will argue the opposite.

Just as everyone does I will get frustrated and angry with not being able to get my point across and she will say i treat her bad and that I am rude to her.
Yes I agree that shouting and swearing at someone is rude and I shouldn’t do it but that is a normal reaction for most people when in an argument isn’t it?

She doesn’t realize that her coming home with a shit attitude and mood and projecting her bad mood on to me is rude, isn’t it?

I am open to admit that maybe I have anger issue and a short fuse but I think she is just as bad as me but she wont admit it or even acknowledge it,
she will and does openly admit that she has nothing to change in our relationship and that it is all me.

I believe that this is a one sides relationship and I don’t see why I have to put in all the work and change my issue when she will carry on treating me how ever she wants.

So that is basically the way I see our relationship.
please give me your opinions male and female would be greatly appreciated.

Work on your issues. If you acknowledge you have issues (and who doesn’t?), work on those and see if things get better. If they do, that’s great and she may be more willing to work on her issues. If not, time to re-evaluate.

My experience (and I’m trying to remember I’m only getting 1 side to this story) is that seldom is a relationship failure a 1 way street. But the problem as I see it, is that you guys have been together since 19. You two are both probably completely different people by now and it doesn’t seem like you’ve grown together, you’ve grown apart.

Now this is a real relationship problem…

I agree with Lanky on working on your issues. Go see a mediator or counselor or just somebody who can help you and your fiance out with your problems.

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Does the 6 month old wake up a lot at night/is she(wifey) very tired?

wow the collective wisdom from you guys is amazing I have booked us in to speak to a relationship counselor. I think from what you guys have said the main focus should be on me fixing my issues first. I do agree with lanky that i think we have grown apart rather then together. But am i wrong to think it is redundant for me to work on my problems when she get to sit there and just point her finger at me and not acknowledge that i am not arguing with myself and its a joint problem?

[quote]RampantBadger wrote:
Does the 6 month old wake up a lot at night/is she(wifey) very tired?[/quote]

yeah I get that she is tired and granted she is the one who gets up for the baby at night but its not like i do nothing i am also tired I do everything i can to help out cooking cleaning and i bath and bed our son every night we work very well as a team

[quote]Chushin wrote:
I’m not saying that there aren’t “issues” that need to be worked on, but it sounds like the first step is for you two (mostly you?) to learn how to argue without disrespecting each other.

Better yet, learn how to work out a problem (e.g., her mood) rather than argue about it. What can she do that would help with this? What can you do that would help with it? Being “right” is not the goal; improving the situation is. Try to remember that you are on the same team.[/quote]

That is sorta what im getting at she refuses to accept that we are a team and every thing is always my fault and i have to fix everything. im not saying its about being right rather its about being and even part of a problem

[quote]kenny-mccormick wrote:
But am i wrong to think it is redundant for me to work on my problems when she get to sit there and just point her finger at me and not acknowledge that i am not arguing with myself and its a joint problem?[/quote]

Yes, but this is more an issue with you. Fixing yourself probably won’t make your fiancee (I assume) blame you less. That is a separate issue, and one that only outside intervention (relationship counseling, etc) will help with.

The issue with yourself is that you’re putting up defenses to problems that you evidently believe that you DO have. This is rarely a good thing. It’s rarely productive to think “Sure I have issues, BUT blah blah blah”.

[quote]kenny-mccormick wrote:
Yes I agree that shouting and swearing at someone is rude and I shouldn’t do it but that is a normal reaction for most people when in an argument isn’t it?
[/quote]

This has been touched on by Chushin and others but I’d just like to say that just because something is a normal reaction (and on a side note: who is it normal to, everyone except the Dalai Lama?) does not mean it’s a good thing. So let’s use this as an example.

Will you shouting or swearing at her make things better? If so then proceed by all means. If not (and I expect it won’t) then bite your tongue and stay calm while you’re trying to talk to her. Note that this isn’t about being a doormat, but being about going through a disagreement in a civil manner.

It should show that you’re trying to improve things, even if she isn’t. And if she doesn’t admit that then at least you can bring it up when you’re with the counsellor, who she may be more likely to listen to.

And yes, it’ll suck and you’ll probably still be angry afterwards, but you can always go get the gloves and pound on the heavy bag to get things off your chest. Or whatever other form of stress relief will help.

As for whether it’s redundant to work on yourself when she’s not acknowledging that she’s also part of the problem, note that this is self-improvement and good practice for life in general. There’s no reason you shouldn’t try and improve yourself here.

I agree about the not disrespecting each other during an argument. Guys seem to be able to get over it easier than girls do (apologies girls for the generalisation). You call your missus a bitch and she’ll still be smarting over it for months after.

Keep calm, make the arguments discussions. If she gets pissed off, make even more of an effort to keep your tone even and just talk to her.

Easier said than done, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

Also, remember the fun shit you used to do when you first got together? Try and make some time to do that every once in a while. There was a reason you guys fell in love in the first place, so get back to that.

I would echo a lot of what everyone else has said, as you should always be working on yourself, and that here are other issues at play here re a counsellor.

The only thing I can add is that when your wife is rude or bitchy with you, you need to call her on it, only in a calm manner, unlike your usual response. Make and hold eye contact with her, and let her know that she is being disrespectful, and that it is unacceptable. Use your own words here, but remember that you need to project a calm, yet firm attitude.

Seeing as all we have is limited information from your perspective, that’s all I can recommend.

[quote]
So pretty much most days during the week I get home first and start cooking dinner she will come home in a grumpy mood, she snaps at most things I say and will start an argument at just about anything, everything I say is wrong and she will argue the opposite.

Just as everyone does I will get frustrated and angry with not being able to get my point across and she will say i treat her bad and that I am rude to her.
Yes I agree that shouting and swearing at someone is rude and I shouldn’t do it but that is a normal reaction for most people when in an argument isn’t it? [/quote]

I was probably 38 years old when I realized that being mad at someone does not mean that you have to raise your voice and swear. It was a revelation but one that’s made me a much better partner and father. Whether or not it’s “normal” makes no difference, you need to ask yourself whether it’s functional and healthy for your relationship. It sounds like it’s not.

What you will need to learn to do is Use. Your. Words. I was fucking awful at this. In my mind it always made me sound like a whiny bitch, but apparently that’s how healthy, functioning adults argue. If your wife has had a bad day and snaps at you, “Hey honey, it really upsets me when you come home and yell at me. It hard for me to feel close to you.” What’s so powerful about statements like this is it will reveal who she truly is to you. If she says, “Hey, I’m sorry, I had a rough day, I didn’t mean to take it out on you” then you know the two of you are on the same page. If she says, “Fuck your feelings. What are you some kind of pussy?” then you know you should probably visit an attorney to set up visitation arrangements because your GF is a colossal cunt.

This is your issue. You don’t have proper boundaries. No one can “project” their mood on to you; she’s not She-Ra.

It sounds like she has her own issues. If she doesn’t see it, even with the help of a couple’s counselor then things are going to be really tough for you even if you do the work on yourself.

[quote]I believe that this is a one sides relationship and I don’t see why I have to put in all the work and change my issue when she will carry on treating me how ever she wants.

So that is basically the way I see our relationship.
please give me your opinions male and female would be greatly appreciated.[/quote]

This is your ego talking, trying to protect you. You need to evaluate everything from here on out based on whether or not it’s good for your relationship. You put in the work because it’s going to help you grow as an individual and maybe develop some healthy boundaries. Once you’re at that place, you can better evaluate whether or not this relationship is good for you.

^this is absolutely the best and most objective advice I’ve ever read or heard on this kind of issues.

Damn Pangy, that was beautiful

Well, there is this nugget of wisdom from Robert Glovers, “No more Mr Nice Guy”…

There are no relationships where one partner is fucked up while the other is not.

No matter how fucked up you think she is, you are probably just as fucked up, just in different, most likely complementary roles to her fuck ups.

Its not just her, its you, does not mean she is not crazy., but means that you are too and you need to fix that.

Y U hankering for drama !?!

[quote]orion wrote:
Well, there is this nugget of wisdom from Robert Glovers, “No more Mr Nice Guy”…

There are no relationships where one partner is fucked up while the other is not.

No matter how fucked up you think she is, you are probably just as fucked up, just in different, most likely complementary roles to her fuck ups.

Its not just her, its you, does not mean she is not crazy., but means that you are too and you need to fix that.

Y U hankering for drama !?![/quote]

Everything you said is 100% true, but the one thing that you forgot is that although two people may be equally crazy one party may be open and honest and about it while the other tries to cover it up and position themselves as the moral or intellectual superior over their partner through constant passive-aggressive behavior and or lying even though both are struggling with same issues, yet they choose to deal with them in different ways.

It is not always cut right down the middle in terms of the differences and sometimes one may just take on the role of aggressor and the other as the victim juxtaposed to their past experiences, but either way even though both are crazy one may be dealing with it in a more constructive and honest way in order to cultivate a relationship while the other is only concerned with their own well-being in spite of the best interests of their partner.

Going off what the good Dr. said… communication is key. Particularly communicating your feelings (I know, I know). It’s easy to begin a convo w/ “Everytime, you…,” “You forgot tooo…,” “Why didn’t you…?” As soon as someone hears the word “YOU,” they feel like they’re being accused of something and the defense mechanisms kick in. On top of that, you may be wrong, so they’ll feel even more justified. All you can do is communicate your perception of the situation (which may be missing something) and how it makes you feel (which she may be unaware of).

Another thing to keep in mind is “AND.” She sometimes treats you bad AND she sometimes treats you good AND you sometimes treat her bad AND she’s the mother of your children AND…" it goes on an on. There are many factors influencing our own and others’ behavior, but we usually just focus on one (she’s being a bitch), and one factor doesn’t define us or them.

Some truly great advice above.

To that I will add this. A number of women (even fundamentally decent ones) often give their partners ‘shit tests’. Usually they do this unknowingly. These tests can take the form of irrational demands (big or small), taking out her day to day frustrations on you (while everyone else seemingly gets treated nicely), nagging, veiled or not so veiled put downs etc.

My experience is that the less you’re able handle these tests as a strong, mature man the more regularly you’re going to receive them from your woman. This does not mean you just sit there and simply take it of course (that is the wrong response #1) - but nor must you overreact in return (wrong response #2).

So while part of what you’re going through is probably relationship related, I believe a lot may have to do with working on yourself (as some have noted above).

BTW a woman’s shit tests are all about assuring herself that she has a got herself a man that is confident and in control, in complete charge of himself and ‘the situation’ particularly at home, who can handle her unique brand of crazy (and every woman has a brand, if only from time to time) appropriately, who is not a doormat or a pussy, who can deal with his emotions well (not suppress them, not fly of the handle) etc etc etc. I think you get the idea.

I should add to the above the massive proviso that you, OP, are not some insensitive dick who is completely blind to some GENUINE grievances your wife-to-be might have about you/your relationship. Her complaining/want to discuss this is altogether different than a shit test. But reading your posts, that is not the sense I got about you/your relationship. You seem like a good dude who wants to do the right thing by your woman and kids, and just want her to meet you halfway and treat you with respect.

Good luck man!