Some of these are pretty funny…
Per number 3, what’s this: “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes”?
Answer: The answers when you ask Michael Moore: “Wanna pie? Wanna pie? Wanna pie? Wanna pie? Wanna pie?”
Soon to be a book, a movie, a play, and a suppository…
GREG GUTFELD’S 29 AMAZING REASONS WHY AMERICA SUCKS!
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If only our culture was as inferior as those of other countries, we could fly planes into their buildings.
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We naively export globes with America on it, showing terrorists exactly where we live.
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As long as we allow him to eat so many pies, Michael Moore will continue to hate crass consumption.
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Not executing homosexuals or adulturers makes us a laughing stock in Islamic countries.
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If we truly were a corrupt corporate pawn, we would have gotten oil for blood.
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Our Christian leaders aren’t as intolerant as their Islamic counterparts, making stateside ridicule of religion seem cowardly.
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Immigrants don’t believe we are racist. (Still, the least the maid could do is wear the Che Guevara shirt we bought her for Christmas.)
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The relentless stress of tenure is causing scholars across the nation to crack under pressure.
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Decent standards of living make it hard for young reporters to do those “My night as a homeless person” features.
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Churchgoers continue to attend mass despite the added folk guitar.
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We only “rule” over fifty states, making us appear as underachievers to the rest of the world.
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Venezuela is just sitting there.
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Americans are too generous. We let the French come here and wait our tables.
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Winning the Cold War means George Clooney can tell us how meaningless the Cold War was.
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Replacing a dictator with a democracy doesn’t sit well with my yoga instructor.
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We need to reduce elections, so we can feel guilty about not voting less frequently.
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By watching Fox News, you hurt Walter Cronkite’s feelings and exacerbate Norman Mailer’s dementia.
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No large-scale rioting occured after the New Orleans disaster. There’s clearly not enough factional violence to undermine this whole melting pot thing.
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Our constitution is simply too lenient and doesn’t allow for beheadings.
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Abu Ghraib proves our military is totally okay with encouraging gay lifestyles.
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Our army shows up early to everything, which is awkward.
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Uniformly applied “right turn on red” traffic rule perpetuates a racist worldview instead a society that’s a beautiful cultural mosaic. Worse, faster traffic flow puts off the day when we all must
return to sheep-drawn carriages. -
Bereft activist Cindy Sheehan’s tears available for intravenous injection only to the very rich.
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Alternative medicine relegated to crackpot status instead of funded by the state. This allows socialists like Deepak Chopra to rip off old ladies using free market principles.
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Unending series of medical and pharmaceutical breakthroughs by private research undermines population control.
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The death penalty raises the price of art created by recently deceased inmates, burdening hipsters like Johnny Depp.
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We will probably solve global warming before anybody else, then use the solution to make more money.
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Native Americans getting rich off casinos instead of staying dirt-poor does nothing to prove how bad colonialism was.
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Democracy still an untested theory! 230 years not nearly long enough trial period to truly know if it’s safe for general use.
THAT’S ALL FOR NOW, FANS!