T Nation

Read This If You're American



Wouldn't it be great to turn on the TV and hear any US President, democrat or rebublican, give the following speech?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now
to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are
some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face
of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are
retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid
parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded
and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You
creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets
tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over
to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York .

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to
try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt
government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple
extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going
to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA
treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for
oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for
decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this
decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.
They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on
the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to
eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup
Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks
guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to
speak Arabic.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English,
thank a soldier.


Wow, Chris, I never expected something as simple as that from you.


Very nice.


So because 99% of the world's countries didn't agree with the very questionable decision to invade Iraq over non-existent WMDs and non-existent Al Qaeda links you dismiss them completely? Maybe if 99% of the world's countries think the same way, they are onto something.

You dribble on about all kinds of shit, like foreign aid, which the US gives little of, per capita, considering how rich it is, and not supporting tin-pot 3rd world hell-holes, which is ironic, considering how many 3rd world dictators and military juntas America has propped up with money and weapons over the years.

Basically, your post is retarded.


I like the part about towing the dipolmats cars in NYC. Those bastards park in every handicapped spot in the city.

The rest...I don't see passing.

I don't think your post is retarded at all. I think it's borne out of frustration a lot of Americans feel. We help many countries. We expect something in return, when we ask for it.

It comes from a few dependable allies and that's it.

As to harboring terrorists. Hopefully they undestand what that leads too. Some of the middle Eastern Countries are even rejecting it. Hopefully they all will.


That's right.

How much aid is Japan giving out--per capita? Germany? Russia...

We still lead the world so get off your America sucks soap box. If you look for fault and the negative in everything, you are sure to find it.

It's really quite simple. If you aren't going to support us, why should we support you. I have no problem with their decision to support us or not. Don't be reaching out though once you've made that decision.


America... and only America. Oh yea, only Americans that agree with me completely. Everyone else go roll over and die. God bless and good night.


deanosumo wrote:
"So because 99% of the world's countries didn't agree with the very questionable decision to invade Iraq"

Have you read the list of countries that agreed with the decision to remove saddam?

I'm sorry but 99% is not even ballpark.

"over non-existent WMDs"

Found WMD. Not the stockpiles.

"and non-existent Al Qaeda links"

That's interesting. You make these comments without the courage to back them up. There is an interesting thread calling your name.

"you dismiss them completely? Maybe if 99% of the world's countries think the same way, they are onto something."

Again, your number is wildly off. However, for the sake of argument, it's fair to say that 99% of the world disagreed with the Founding Fathers' decision to shake up the "world order." It takes courage to lead.

"You dribble on about all kinds of shit, like foreign aid, which the US gives little of, per capita,"

What a disgusting statement. Ask the Japanese around you about American aid.

"considering how rich it is, and not supporting tin-pot 3rd world hell-holes, which is ironic, considering how many 3rd world dictators and military juntas America has propped up with money and weapons over the years."

Therefore, when the apples go terribly wrong, it would be our responsibility to remove them. Right?

"Basically, your post is retarded."

The refrain of those who can't defend their position.

Prove me wrong.




Chris, I hope you're just a teenager...a little intellectual maturity goes a long way.

Otherwise, your post is pretty irritating. Along with a pretty good chunk of our population, I disagree with a lot of what this administration has done. I'm also opposed to drilling for oil in Alaska. And you tell me I should leave my country, the country I love. I realize this is the internet, and people have license to say things they otherwise wouldn't, but if anyone told me to my face to leave my country one of us would end up in a lot of pain.


The World Cup soccer thing was really stupid, but the rest of the post was cool.

EDIT: I just said this post was cool, im offically a redneck.


Chris, your post has a lot of merits. However, maybe a lot of other countries would've been interested in getting involved in Iraq if Halliburton didn't have a no-bid contract.


I just realized something after I read the responses. I'm sorry to lead you guys on - but I didn't personally write that. I received it as an e-mail from a friend and I thought it was interesting, funny, intriguing, etc.

So just to clear things up, I didn't write it. I agree with what it says, but I'm just not that eloquent or creative. I appreciate that some of you think I would be capable of it though.

And I usually don't post here in the "Politics and World Issues" board simply because I've found that discussions turn into arguments a little too easily. Some of the replies to this post will reinforce that notion. Dear God, some of you guys are tight-wads. Its a simple satirical article and some of you felt the need to come on here ranting and raving about statistics and percentages and everything in between.

Y'know, through many discussions that I've had over time with the friend that sent me this article originally, I've learned that he and I are on the exact opposite ends of the political spectrum.

And yet he felt it was funny enough to e-mail to me, and I found it funny enough to post on here. How could that be?? Its because I've also found that he and I are able to take political matters somewhat lightly.

I posted this to help lighten the mood around this forum. Some of you saw that. Others of you need to take the stick outta your asses.

Oh and one last thing: deanosumo, I noticed your location says you're from Japan. The subject line of this thread says to read if you're American. Tsk tsk.


This might help you out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:OECDstatistics.jpg


I thought the DeezWeez thread was funny, but this is pretty good, too.

"We are America, land of the Biggus Dickus and we are pissed at the rest of the world for not agreeing that we have the biggest dicks. We will now stomp off and take our balls and go home. And you are all on our shitlist. Freedom fries for everyone!"



I knew that you didn't write that someone posted that same thing about a year ago. I thought you agreed with the message though.


Aha, so THIS is what's ment by free speach!! But only a selected few are allowed to "listen"!

Interesting list on Foreign Aid, didn't know that USA was so "cheap" 0,15% / capita!!!

Funny that Deansumo got called out when the Japanese people donate 33% more (per capita)than the Americans.

If talking about the amount being donated, EU donates more than twice than USA. What are the two leading countries in EU again??

(But then again you got lies, damn lies and statitics!!)

But what do I know, I'm not american.


So we don't give as much per capita or as a percentage of our income. Who gives a shit? According to that we still gave half as much as all of the EU countries combined "estimated". Of course by saying estimated they cover their ass for the massive corruption in those socialist hell holes which means probably less of that money got where it was going.

Has it ever occurred to these people around the world that if their being mistreated they should do something about it themselves? If you're going to die at the hands of some corrupt leaders or ineffective social order, why not die trying to fix it?


The OECD numbers exclude most of the ways in which the United States delivers aid to the world. It doesn't include private charity. It doesn't include direct relief aid for situations like the tsunami in Southeast Asia. It doesn't include military operations like the one in Bosnia. It doesn't include the direct food aid the United States provides, which is well over half of the worldwide total. It doesn't include funding of world organizations like the World Bank or the U.N. It doesn't include debt relief, etc., etc., etc.

I don't know if America is the most generous country in the developed world, but I don't think we are the stingiest. I think at least some of the accomplishments listed above should be a part of the equation.


So the fact that my current location is Japan means I MUST be Japanese? Everybody who lives in a place must be of that race/born there? You really are stupid.

Your post above reinforces the stereotype of the ugly American. We are the best, fuck you if you don't agree with us on every little thing. 'You're either with us or you're with the terrorists', that kind of thinking.

Someone above accused me of hating America. Far from it. There are untold admirable and great things about America. However, being the playground bully, waving your dick in the air, taking your toys and stomping off home are not items on that list.


Japan and Germany both give more per capita than America. Japan, in fact, actually gives more in total despite having half of America's population. But that's beside the point.

I'm not on an America sucks soap box. Should one not be able to criticize something? Especially a post as simplistically jingoistic as the one above.